| ....Um...Uh....What Dave said. You've seen the commercials and PSA's. You've read it in every column & print ad. All the TV shows this past week have faded up to some sort of no-frills message, and all the hosts have written one. Everybody has an "Open Letter to the People of America". A statement to make before they try to get back to normal.... ........Pass. Forget it. My dry cleaner has a patriotic commercial running that's more sincere and respectful and sympathetic than I could ever be. I'm no good at the 'serious' thing. Hell, last time I told my kids I loved 'em, they just stared at me. "........That's it?...We don't get it." Besides, all the good stuff has been said already by dry cleaners and beer companies and e-mails......And Letterman. So, yeah....I say whatever Dave said. But if it's "Open Letters" ya want, there are a few notes I've been meanin' to get out. Let me see.... Dear Oksana Baiul... I think I owe you an apology. You're not in Afghanistan, are you? So then, you must be that skater, right? Go figure. I've apparently confused you with someone even more evil. Sorry for the last coupla weeks of hate mail. And obviously, I will NOT be cuttin' off anything that you don't have in the first place. Jim Dear Lunatic Fringe... Come, Mr. Taliban. Tally me big bombers. Daylight come?.....Maybe. Maybe not. Jim Dear NASCAR... Thank you for post-ponin' the New Hampshire race. You get no argument from me, nor any other warm blooded human. Jim Dear NASCAR... But speakin' of warm blooded, I gotta few questions about this November zamboni fest you're plannin'.... Jim Dear Federal Bureau of National Sub-Committee of Names Department Agency...dot gov. Forget tryin' to name this "Operation" and find that little freak. Osamawhere bin Laden has found himself a hole to crawl into. And while you're brainstormin' a catchy title for this thing, he could be shavin' that scrag from his chin, puttin' on a dress, and posin' for passport pics. Jim Dear Oksana... ......Say, let me make it up to you. Can I buy you a drink? I'm buyin', if you drive. Jim Dear News Editors... Stop with the music!!!!. I know how I feel about all this. I don't need slo-mo, violins and a piano to make me sad. Nor the Charlie Daniels Band to make me mad that it "ever would happen again." It's not a music video....Otherwise, you'd all owe Lee Greenwood a fortune. Jim Dear Mr. Greenwood... I am too....But listen, Dude, you got anything else? Jim Dear Mr. President... Kick his ass. Jim Dear Jeff, Mollie, Tony, Carl, Andrea, Paul, Stacy, Reagan, Kim, Ted, Deshanna, Dave, Kathy, Pam, Paul, Lori, Sue, and Doc... Have ya noticed all the "unity" out there lately. There's an awful lotta spiritual harmony in the country right now. And outta respect for this newfound togetherness we're experiencin', I've decided to refrain from teasin' your drivers for one more week. Instead, let's all gather up in a circle and hum Lennon songs. No holdin' hands though...I don't want your Cooties. Rusty Wallace - 7th Michael Waltrip - 32nd Tony Stewart - 8th Sterling Marlin - 14th Mark Martin - 11th Matt Kenseth - 17th Jeff Gordon - 2nd Ron Hornaday - 28th Dale, Jr. - 5th Kenny Wallace (#1 car) - 21st Bonte Labobby - 6th Jerry Nadeau - 16th Dale Jarrett - 3rd Jim |
| MBNA Cal Ripken, Jr. 400 It's Not My Turn, Is It?... |