|Have ya'll heard about this? I just got this "alert" from somebody that said the post office was gonna start chargin' for email now. 5 cents per message!!! I couldn't believe it, until I waded through countless
address books and found it had come from someone who got it in an e-mail from the Postmaster General himself; C Everett Koop.
Oh, I'm screwed. Let's see. How many of ya'll are there?...four, five, six,.....(Gimme a sec to get my
shoes off.)....16. Sixteen nickels equals-.....Whoa!! I can't afford $8 dollars a week!
You're smart, Jim. You can think of somethin'....(If only that $1,000 from Bill Gates would hurry up and get here.) Hmmm.....I could call all o' ya'll every Sunday mornin'. Naw, some of ya'll are long distance, and I'm a Sprint-er. And while I could fax it to ya in less than 8 dollars worth of needle-droppin's, I doubt I could actually drawl it out over the phone without takin' food from my babies' mouths.
...Oh, I'd still eat.
I could-......stop sendin' 'em. (Put your hands down!) I could-..... Buy a buncha homin' pigeons! Naw. If it didn't work for Gilligan, it wouldn't work for me. I could-.....
...AHA! I'll surf around for some poor schmuck's website and plaster 'em on his forum thingy or guest book or...feedback board, message-whatever. Surely I can find some site in Yahooterville to post these things. That way, you can see 'em without it takin' a kilo-bite outta your mailbox. And I can save a buck or two....Wait, that's Terry Bradshaw. I'm with that Sela Ward lady....(It was that dancin' commercial....She got me.)
................Okay, I've found a place. Some moron with nothin' better to do than slap a picture up against a white background and call it a NASCAR website. I tell ya. The vanity of some folks. It just makes me wanna laugh. I mean, what is with all these sites? Nobody ever surfs that far back into the little corner of the wwweb...Do they honestly believe they're gonna get their Warholian 15 by postin' a pic and joining the other 23,000 hits the search engine comes up with? Who sold 'em on that?
And how gullible CAN they be?
The Brick...And no. I ain't talkin' bout my nickname in basketball. It's the Brickyard this week. Not officially one of the 4 majors, but just as big. Doc & I went to this track for the Indy 500 one year, and I remember bein' amazed at how narrow it was. Bob Beamon could clear the frontstretch. And considerin' there's wide track Pontiacs out there, and a wide-drivin' Jimmy Spencer on the pole, the first few minutes of this'n could be fun to watch.
And from my ongoing pursuit of all that is trivial, I offer this piece of pie....(Arts & Entertainment) Look for the "Squash Cam" in Turn 1. A lipstick camera buried in the grass at the very edge of the pavement. If the director doesn't use it for every restart then he's a fool....Or he's busy punchin' up any of the 74 other cameras that NBC will be armin' him with. 75 cameras! I don't even think Big Brother has that many. And that's on tape. This is LIVE! The thought of punchin' 75 cameras would make me kinda woozy. Hell, I have a hard enough time with two, eh Carl? "Cam1...No, 2...No wait, yeah, 1. Turn! Turn!!!"
And if you've room for a little orange pie: The winning car of today's Brickyard 400, is automatically entered into next year's Indy 500. It's true. C. Everett mentioned that too.
Dave must have a website of his own now, too. He hasn't written us. He hasn't called. No pigeons. Or maybe, he's just got nothin' to talk about...Eh, neither does his driver. Sterling's been ho-hummin' lately and nada thing to shout about. A 15th today. Nice knowin' ya Dave.
Jeff & Doc - The Rushville Rocket heads back home again, indeed. I hate to do it, much as I don't like that chubby little midwestern smirk of his. But I got 20-20 vision on this one. Tony by a second and a half. But he'll piss somebody off gettin' there......Alright, so the "pissin' sombody off" is a given.
Ted - Steve parked her back at a sobering 13th in qualifyin', but gotta DWI in Happy Hour...."Didn't Waste Time" and posted the fastest speed....Barely. Don't ya just hate Tony Stewart?...You will. Park goes to the garage in 37th.
And G-Pie, that's the last time I use one of your acronyms.
Lori, Andrea, & Tony - Rusty was puckered up and ready to kiss a brick last year till he (...sigh) "lost the lead late in the race." Win #2 for #2 is comin', just not today. He swallows his pride, spits out a provisional, and makes a charge "late in the race" to finish 8th.
Michael Waltrip starts outside of Steve in 14th, but will have nothing to fear from Stewart. He'll never see him. 22nd.
Reagan - Bobby's carryin' some major monumentum into this race. A big statue from last week, and the brick on a stick he won at this race last year. Startin' 15th, but he's achin' for one more kiss. A 5th.
Pam - Matt's due pretty soon, but he ain't gonna windianapolis. He was fast at Happy Hour but Kenseth finseth theventh...Hey, what'd ya expect?...I mean, when?
Kim & Paul - Got your note, Paul. Yes, I'm doin' fine, and I hope your friend likes 'em.....Oh, I got your note too, Kim. And no, I'm not agile enough to have my head stuck up there. Martin has a miserable pit stop during a yellow flag near the end and drops 6...no, 8 spots with 9 to go. Mark viagrabs a tenth. And no, Kim. I don't have a oiuja board up there either.
Stacy & Carl - Oh great. We're at yet another Jeff Gordon track. Inaugural winner....Two-time winner...Home state...Yesterday was his birthday....He's leadin' in points....(Yaaawwwwwwnnn.) Wake me when he-...What this?...Startin' 27th? Okay! Now it's a race. Jeff justa 6th.
And Carl, I butchered Mollie's show last night. Good luck with tonight's director.
Mollie - Boy, the other folks on the crew really messed up your show last night, didn't they? And boy, AJ's folks on the crew really mess things up for Ron Horna-today. The Foyteen car cowers in, 32nd.
Paul Parker - Junior's been draftin' off of Bobby's momentum, gatherin' up a top ten in NH, and a 2nd last week. A lousy start today but Indy's not much different than Pocono. So I'm pickin', oh, a 4th for Dale.
Kathy's sleepin' off a hangover from a friend's birthday bash, and will miss the green flag, along with the fleeting few moments of Kurt's Sharpie shootin' through the pack. He'll drop a cylinder on lap 24 and cripple around with his flashers on for a 35th.
See, now that I'm not worried about the e-mail postage anymore, I can be a little more specific. I can focus my predictionaric skills down to the actual laps. Ah, this web thingy was the best idea I ever had.....Like takin' two tires only, "late in the race."
By the way, if ya feel like surfin', here's that loser's site: www.nelvis.com
Indy Mood to Surf?...