"Five three....Five two....Five one...Fi-"

C'mon, a countdown to my newsletter?  How presumptuous would that be?...And to start it way up in the 50's:  How pretentious!...And to try and impress ya'll with big words: How-....How-....(flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip)....How thesaurus!

Four eight...four seven..."

Ah...'Bottles of beer on his wall.'  That's a good one.  Naw.  Actually, Asunta's been swept up with this whole Winter Olympics thing and has now developed an annoying little habit of judging everything.  Right now she's judgin' my-...uh...well...(flip-flip-flip)

Four four...Fou-"

...And besides; those bottles aren't even on the wall.  They're on the floor.....And there's only a coupla dozen of 'em....

Three nine........And for Technical Merit:  Two four...Two three....T-"

What?  Am I missing something?

Two oh...One nine"

...Mercy boo-coo, ma'am.  But I w-

-seven...One six.."

I...am not...Canadian!!!!

...Point eight..Poi-"

Tell ya what.  Let's call it a countdown.

Welcome back, my (flip-flip-flip) compadres.  It's good to be back here at the Copa.  I've missed ya'll.  And I mean that-I really do-From the love pumpin' left aorta-Give us a hug.  Hope ya'll hadda great holiday and are hyped up for this year.  Hope ya'll have kept up with all the changes over the off season and are ready to jump right back into it here at Rockingham.  I'm not.

You see, I too have been drawn into this Mormonic Olympiad.  So much so, that I've watched nothing else.  Nothing.  So much so, I performed a batteriectomy on the remote and have NBCeen nothing on TV but snow all week.  So much snow, I have committed the NASCARdinal sin, missing every racin' story since Daytona.  I am no more ready to 8-ball this pig, than I am ready to try a double-roll-in/split through a port full of pebbles....(Holy Hoglines.  I've figured out curling!)  I could not be any more uninformed.

Pfft.  Like that's gonna stop ME!....each and every week.

Ladies and Gentlemen,  Madames and -....(flip-flip-flip-flip)...French guys....I declare these games open!!!  Shall we meet our contestees?

Kathy's laced her skates to the Yates' 88.....(Aaaah.  It's good to be back.)  Dale Jarrett goes into this race startin' 4th.....Same place as Sarah.  She took the Gold.  But DJ is Bronze to the bone.

Sue, our own website mogul, has strapped on the Rossignols and is ready to ski the bumpy 2K2 with Nadeau.  Jerry starts 5th, but catches an edge and scrubs the wall 100 laps in.  24th.

Rollin' out eighth is the #2 Miller Lite 4-man Bobsled team.  Andrea and Lori do all the pushin'.  Tony drives.  I'm just there for the dead weight.   Rusty Wall o' ice carves a 6th.

Ted has gone K120 on us, jumpin' to yet another driver like a Flyin' Finn.  Bobby Labonte takes off from 14th and couldn't give a Flyin' Finn who's in his way.  Telemark him down in 8th.

Mark Martin's got the sled.  All he needs is a coupla real lugers on his team.....Kim?...Paul?  Starts 17th and never breaks into the top 5.  18th for Rosebud. (..Lahoooo...zher.)

Roy will be shakin' a cow bell for Ryan Newman while he slaloms up from 23rd.  The 12 car has a good day till the super-Geniuses in his pits blow it.  Then mechanical probs and a bad set of tires.  It goes downhill from there.  27th.

Michael Waltrip's startin' 26th but plans on speed-skatin' through the pack to first just like Apolo......Oh no;  A 29th.

Deshanna and Parker have some sort of cross country scheme cooked up and are both shooting for Junior's bottle of beer on the wall..  Dale guns it at the green from 29th and ski-daddles to a (flip-flip-flip-...) biathletic 11th.

Hey Jim, While you have that dictionary out, ya might wanna look up the word "batteriectomy"....I don't think you necessarily had to put the batteries there."

You mean-(flip-flip-flip-flip)......

"...Five nine...Five eight...Five nine....Five nine..."
2002 Season
Subway 400 - February 24, 2002
Rockingham, NC
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