2000Winston500

"Excuse me, ma'am...Which aisle has all the monster costumes?"

He's been a superhero for the last couple of Halloweens, but this year somethin's possessed him to go for the more malignant look. She pointed us to the 'Wicked West' end of the store and Nikolaus & I began our search for the ugliest, most hideous, most boogy monstrous outfit they make....for under $20.

"Here we are. Ooh, look at 'em all. You wanna be a Mummy?....A Skeleton?
"Naw....Scarier."
"There's an Alien mask......Jason the 13th?...."
"No...What's that?"
"Creature from the Black Lagoon"
"...Who's that?"
"Freddy Krueger"
"And that?"
"...That's Geoff Bodine."
"Please?...Oh, please-please-please?"

You wanna see somethin' REALLY scary? Check out what Dr. Helton-stein (NASCAR's VP in charge of revivin' the dead) has done with the cars this week. First, he's dug up an engine that's been strangled to death. He's wrapped a re-sized boa constrictor plate around it's carbureted neck. Then, he's crammed this quasimotor into an aerodynamic atrocity. He's welded somethin' he calls a wickerbill to the rear spoiler, and pointed it more towards, well, the Pennzoil Copter Cam. He's pugged the nose, lifting the front end up a 1/2" or so. And topped it all off with a bug deflector mounted on the roof....."IT'S ALIVE!"

No. It's a steel parachute. All this rhinoplasty and CPR is supposed to make today's race more interesting than the last few bronchially-challenged ventures. Jeff Burton's cakewalk in New Hamp-sure proved just how exciting restrictorators can be when the cars keep their human form. But by mutating them into these heavy breathin', shark-finned ogres, they might actually have the muscle to make a pass at each other.....

But that's another story.

The monster...Talladega. 2.66 miles & 33 degrees banking. (Almost as far as I had to walk to school when I was a kid...And the hills were steeper.) My hometown could fit in the belly of this beast. Never been there, but hope to one day...One day, when I can afford the binoculars it takes to see anything. That's okay, I'd still rather tape it and watch it late at night....With the lights off.....With the sound turned down and scary music playin'.....And all my windows opened.....And naked....

Again, that's another story.

Jinkees, this place is a mystery. Pack some Scooby Snacks and let's start meddlin'.

Paul Parker - The 8 car had a great Friday the 13th, qualifyin' 3rd. But Jason Jr. choked on the new plate in Happy Hour and looks to be in the way today. 22nd.

Stacy&Ted&Jeff&Sue&Boris&Bela&Lon - Gordon had a lousy Saturday the 14th too. Probably bigfootin' his back-up car from the last row today. Yeti still manages a 9th....No Bull.

Doc & Jeff - Stewart has been Kraken the whip lately, and Androme-dega looks to be his next victim. But like Zeus givin' Perseus that behind-the-back boost, I'll be secretly voodooin' Tony's little diecast into a crash of the Tide and other slow cars. (Me-dusa much for my driver.) Tony crumbles to a 28th.

If ya haven't seen the movie, this probably makes no sense. If you have seen the movie, it must make even less.

Mollie - Rick Mast don't stand a ghost of a chance today. Hey, with Foyt's jurassic parts, what did you exspectre? 25th.

Sue - Compton is the invisible man today. Won't see him anywhere. Except 31st. Nadeau did deau well in qualifyin', but turned into the Blob on Saturday. Sorry, McQueen. 16th.

Dave - Restrictors or not, Sterling's top 10's are as rare as Loch Ness sightings. And like Marlin, it ain't often Nessie rises to the top. Spotted him in 20th.

Wordy...but it's there, Dave....Go.

Myron - You're dragon your feet, man. Pick someone before I toss ya into the Bodine bin.

Kim & Paul - This draculaic season ha- (...Objection!...Sustained.) This vampirical year has tak-(...Obje-..Sustained!)........This year has sucked for the ever noble Martin. He used to like Talladega, but there'll be no million dollar bo-Nosferatu time winner here. 7th.

Sorry....Blame Dave.

Michael Waltrip's been feedin' 'em after midnight and lettin' 'em near water again. Might as well be drivin' a Gremlin....(How fast, G-pie?) Luckily, there aren't any bright lights for 23rd.

Lori & Tony & Andrea - ....Both Penske cars take provisionals. Both are fast Saturday....Dr. Jekyll's been busy....Rusty hides his elixir in victory lane.

Earlier this year, Ward Burton had knifed his way into the points race like Michael Myers. But a couple of unpleasant episodes of late have him barely makin' the post season stage.....Mr. Cleaver hacks his way to an 8th.

Oh, and Doc....As for Geoffro....He may catch a ride before the season's up. But if he doesn't, don't worry. He's makin' a killin' with these masks.....$23.95! You'd better wear this thing, Nik.

...Except in the car.