2000UAWGM500

Can't we all just get along....Along stick....And hit each other.

Okay, we've had Gore v. Bush. We've had Cheney v. Lieberman. Ford's fault or Firestone's fault? Is it a Nintendo rating or do they intend to censor? Are you for the Mets or the Yanks?   RU 486 or against it? Hell, I even got ringside seats to an e-mailin' catfight involving my sister, an old friend, and a "Reply to All" button.

Did the earth just shift its axis outta the wrong side of some cosmic bed? What's with all the bickerin' this week? My KIDS don't even argue thi-....My neighbors don't even argue this much. And I've had just about enough of these "fuzzy math" insults and 30 second rebuttals. If you're gonna argue...Argue!. Let's see a little temper. Let's see a little Nikita (Khrushchev)...Hell, let's see a little O.J.

"Words can never hurt ya. But sticks and stones can break your bones" (...Read that in a quotation of books my dyslexia doctor had lying around his rooming wait.)   What these people need is an old fashioned, glove-slappin' duel. Swords at 20 paces. An Alexander Hamilton and Raymond Burr kinda thing. Let 'em settle this thing old school. Give 'em both a shot of whiskey, some bat-wing doors, and a 'message' from Marshal Dillon....Let's see who walks back in.

Truth is, the words ARE hurtin' me. And we've still got a few more of these powderpuff zing-fests to go. Hours of passionless prattlings that ramble on and on and on towards complicated yet pointless ends. "The socio-economic benefits of my plan, while takin' into account a steady growth in the nation's surplus, which is curren-".........SHUT UP!!!   Don't make me get old school on ya.

Speakin' of old school, this week's pick for old school debatin' goes to Yugosla v. a guy named Milo-...uh...Mil-...... Yugosla v. a guy. In all that footage from Belgrade, I've yet to see anyone tell the protestors they "only have 20 seconds to respond."   And while George W. was makin' snide asides, our Balkan brethren were stormin' the stairs of Parliament. And Clinton scolded the old regime.....Bill AND George....Clinton....I mean Bill Clinton AND George Clinton. Although I suppose George Bush pitched a sole insult their way too. Now, that's the YOUNG George I'm talkin' about, here...George W. Not the old one that was already in the White House. No, not Barbara. The other one. The father who was presi-...

I..did..NOT just hear someone say, "SHUT UP!"

Paul Parker - Junior and Michael Waltrip start their debatin' side by side on the 7th row today. Jr. on the left. Michael on the right.....Oh, that couldn't be more politically incorrect. Junior finishes a 'conservative' 12th while Michael gets 'left' back in 23rd.

Doc & Jeff - The 'Rush'ville Rocket does the 9th row Limbaugh beside Mike Skinner when the green flag waves. When the yellow flag waves a few minutes later, act like it wasn't your fault, Tony....Point to the grassy knoll. 4th.

Ted&Sue&Jeff&Stacy&Strom&Newt&Hillary - Gordon & LaBontiac have grabbed the first two lecturns. Who'll lead the first lap, is debatable. Jeff enters this race from the pole. Exit polls say he'll finish 6th.

Sue - Stacy Compton got Lyndon LaRouched in qualifying and won't make the stage this week. Sorry...But Nadeau's startin' third. Cool!...But he starts across from Jimmy Spin-ster. Sorry....But he was fast in Happy Hour. Cool!..... But he starts across from Jimmy Spin-ster. Sorry.......But...he....starts across from Jimmy Spin-ster. Jerry manders in 17th.

Kim & Paul - Mark gets his rebuttal kicked by the McDonald's car and squabbles with Flotsam Bill Elliott from the 4th row. A Titanic slide on election day and Martin's outta office. 19th.

Dave - I've been to Jackson, Tennessee. I Worked in Jackson, Tennessee....Dave...You're no Jackson, Tennessee....Sterling stares at Kurt Busch-leaguer from the 90th row at the start. He should leave his opponent in a sea of also-rans and make it up to 26th.

Myron's the new guy on this ticket. Yet another sportscaster tryin' to "Woodward and Bernstein" his way into some of my insider info....By Sunday night, he'll be debatin' whether or not he shoulda given me his e-drress...Pick a car, groover.

Molie - Foyt and Mast get the point on the 6th row. Ward goes counterpoint. Old age v. Old South. Unintelligent v. Unintelligible. Mast 30th. Buht'n 7th. "Temper Fi, AJ!!!"

Tony, Lori, & Andrea - Rusty goes toe to toe with Eleventh Row Joe. The #2 was quick in Happy Hour and blows Nemekakis outta the water. Rusty 'gallups' back up to 5th.

There ya go. Ya got a problem with any of these? Bring it on. I'm feelin' kinda scrappy.

Your Charlotte Charlatan