2000Southern500

"Jim, are you sure stackin' three TV's on the aquarium is such a smart idea?"

So, the top one is hangin' off a bit. I can still see it from the couch. Actually, I could do with a little less critiquin' and lot more help stringin' this coax around the room. It's gettin' closer to Noon and I still need to loop through two more VCR's and a small black & white.

Don't laugh. With the NFL teein' it up this weekend, I'm sure there's a few of ya'll out there with that extra Zenith sittin' beside your big screen. But ya might also think about draggin' that one in from out in the garage. And if nobody's watchin' the kid's Quasar, haul it in too. There's much more goin' on in TV land than the Eagles upset of the Cowboys. (No, Lori. There is no Santa Claus.)

The NHRA has it's own "Superbowl" of drag racin' goin' on up in Indianapolis this weekend. And oddly enough, Joe Gibbs owns one of the faster rockets in that series too. Okay, so they are just a buncha yoke-steerin' wheel-standers. (If I had my way, they'd have a couple road courses a year, just like NASCAR.) But the US Nationals is their biggest event. I'll watch just about any sport's 'biggest' event....As long as it involves speed...And doesn't include the word "badminton."

Okay, anybody know how to patch a F-connector into a Nintendo 64 and then out through some speakers?

The US Open is aflush in the meadows of New York. Upsets and Underdogs have underscored this Grand Slam tennis tournament. And Sampras should skate through the weekend. But I still gotta watch. No tellin' which humble and lovable shoe shine boy Pete'll have to face next.

Speakin' of Grand Slams, I might need to Denny-size my breakfast this mornin'.   There's gonna be little room for snacks on the coffee table. I haven't seen this many remotes since the OJ verdict......(Doesn't anyone own a set of drums?)

And, of course, the Southern 500. This ain't just another race comin' up. This is one of NASCAR's "Crown Jewels."   They've been runnin' this race since volcanos ruled the earth. The first race run on a paved speedway. And an oddly outlined oval at that. This track looks like like the timin' chain on V-8. (Just look out in your yard, Dave. I'm sure ya gotta small block Chevy layin' out there somewhere.) It's egg-shaped, and has two different degrees of banking in the corners. They have a couple of nicknames for Darlington, but I can't quite remember 'em. Something 'bout Tamin' a Black Lady who's Too Tough to Track?.....Tough Lady Tamin' and a Black Track Too?.......Let me get back to ya on the catch phrases. Suffice it to say that this race has been a pain in the asphalt for 50 years. And for a 51 year old sport, it don't get much more "major" than that.

Well. It's taken a quarter mile of cable, 3 extension cords, 4 splitters, 1 RCA plug turnaround, and 7 dollars worth of AA batteries, but I think we're set. And since we gotta few minutes to kill before race time, I think I'll surf...in quadruplicate.

Kim & Paul....I just saw Mark Martin on the History Channel. "He was a good driver."...."He coulda been one of the best."....4th won't help the season.

JeffStacySueTedetc....Remember that kid who used to win all these Southern 500's? What channel is he gonna be on? Maybe I can catch him hawkin' somethin' on QVC. I ain't gonna see much of him here. 11th.

Jeff & Doc.....Saw Stewart coppin' a plea over on Court TV. "It was my fault. My fault..." Sentenced to a 5th.

Jeff.....Steve Park was doin' a "cookin' show" in practice yesterday mornin', but don't expect a rerun. 19th.

Sue....Did I see Willard Scott sayin' Jerry Nadeau just turned 30 years young? What a coincidence...30th. And as for Stacy Compton, I can't find him on any channels. I checked HBO, NBC, TBS....Let me try DNQ.

Dave....Was that Sterling I saw at the US Open? At least, playin' tennis, he'd stand a chance.....(Dave, I made this entire load of tripe up for that one little line....You'd better find it.) 14th.

Mollie...Ya just don't see much on TV about AJ anymore. Ever since they started broadcasting in color, there's not much call for those old black & white films. Mast paints a gray stripe on the Foyteen car by lap 120. Finishes 26th.

Paul Parker...Let's see. Junior & Dad & Taz sellin' Monte Carlos...Junior & Dad & Taz sellin' Monte Carlos...Junior & Dad & Taz sellin' Monte Carlos........Junior & Dad bump Monte Carlos and spin like Taz between laps 230-240. Junior has his car-tooned to a 29th.

Doc....What is Geoffro doin' here? I just saw him on "Where are They Now?" VH-1 has Bodine down as bein' dead.....My bad. Now that I listen to it, they're just talkin' about his career. 21st.

Tony & Lori....I know that Rusty's ratings are up. And I know that he's been as hot as those torches on "Survivor." But ya gotta trust me on this one. This track hates Rusty. He's had a show or two cancelled here before....He'll make it up to 6th before his tiki is snuffed.

I just finished watchin' a 450 part mini-series about Michael Waltrip runnin' on Comedy Central. Each episode documenting yet another winless race. I'm watchin' the sequel this afternoon. 23rd.

And there's Ward Burton all over Speedvision.   He won the spring race here. He's qualified third for this'n.    He was fastest in Happy Hour. He's more confident than Stephen Hawking on that Wanna be a Millionaire show. Ward can only Regis-stir a 3rd.

So let's see. One TV for NASCAR. Two for football. One for drag racin'. I can switch this one over to tennis after the race....Then this one over to the Bills game after that....Perfect. Just hope there aren't any overtimes. Or tie-breakers....or red flags.....Did Jeff Burton qualify? What's the weather forecast?

"Hey, Asunta! Be right back!........and I'm takin' the VISA."

("I read that!".....Asunta)