2000SearsPoint

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but.....

Seems Monday Night Football has gotten rid of Howard Cosell and Dandy Don, and has been scoutin' for a couple of flankers for Al Michaels. And while you're likely to see some crusty old jocks.....Yich. Let me change that....Some crusty old athletes read for the part, you'd probably not expect to see someone like Rush Limbaugh tryin' out. But ABC was sacked for a loss in the ratings last year, and apparently is willin' to try anything. They've ended up going with Dan Diego Fouts, the Charger QB who...uh...played for the Chargers, and Dennis Miller. Dennis Miller....That incensed little Rasputin from SNL & HBO.

I liked Boomer Esiason (since he natty) but shed no tears when he got axed to leave. I'm not sure Gifford had a pulse when he left. And I was as happy as anyone to see Dandier Dorf go a coupla years ago. But at least they all spoke in X's and O's. "See Dick run...See Tom block." While I'm a fan of Dennis, I'm none too thrilled at the thought of spendin' an entire game with a dictionary and a copy of Machiavelli's "The Prince" in my lap. And what about those people like our own Dave and Tony and Kim...They've had a hard enough time understanding "Turn out the lights-The party's over."

"2nd and eight on the Broncos 47 yard line. So 'Doomer,' Ya think the Rams will go deep?"

"Listen Michaels. You refer to me as Howard, or OJ, or Boomer one more time, and I'll be on you like Chrissy Evert on Jim Rome. I took this gig knowing that my defined role on this show was narrower than a coach seat on Southwest Airlines. But if you keep spewin' these pseudocivilized malignant spirals at me, I'll slice into your psyche with more multi-syllabic references than a 300 level Nietzsche course at the Lubbock Ju-Co. I am "Uberman"...Got that, 'Miracle' Boy?"

".....(blink)......(blink)............3rd and four. Ball at the Denver 43."

Oh yeah. All my Mensa friends are comin' over tonight....

Cogito ergo segue...

No missin' the Miller car this week at Sears Point. Rusty snaked her around this road course for his 6th pole of the year. But, of course, as he has so eloquently and repeatedly proven: A pole don't mean a win. So what's gonna happen? Bust open a thesaurus and try to follow. Dave, Kim & Tony...You guys hold hands and follow the others...

Jeff Gordon has dominated road courses like Bea Arthur in a skin-tight, jewel-encrusted, black-leather jumpsuit. He's won the last 5 and hasn't finished outside the top ten since they were run on gravel. A culpably missed shift drops him to an aberrant 6th.

Mark Martin won here back in '97. Pick most any other year and he's second. 1996, 1995, & last year.....& this year. He'll take 2nd with all the contrived nobility of a teeth clinchin' Susan Lucci.

Geoff Bodine held up the start of last week's race because he overslept. And this week, Mr. Van Winkle schlepped his way through qualifying and will start this race from a lazyboy in front of the TV. He'll do his best to make up for it next...week...at.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sterling Marlin has over 50,000 Tennessee fans pullin' for him this weekend. To put it another way, that's nearly 65,000 teeth. Welcome to the Alamo, Davy Crockett. 21st.

Steve Park's has turned this feud with Nemechek into a pillow fight between Christopher Lloyd and Ainsley Harriott. C'mon, Boys! Slug it out. Sonoma's the perfect hiding place for a little vindictively induced karma. Steve powderpuffs to a 34th.

Tony Stewart will "give" his alloted 3 minutes to signing autographs before jumping into his poly-triumphant chariot and immediately sufferin' the wrath of a vengeful Mark Martin, hellbent on destroying Stewart, not only in retribution for the bumper pool game at the Winston, but also to prevent Tony from capturing, at the end of this race, what is rightfully Mark Martin's......(breathe....breathe)....2nd place. Tony trots in 11th

Rick Mast and AJ Foyt are 'clickin' like Laurel & Costello. This geriatric union of futility has produced no more than a 31st place finish and 3 DNQs.....4 DNQs.

Ward Burton flipped the Cat car in qualifying starts 37th with a provisional. A provisional on a road course is like being 37th in line for the port-a-lets at Woodstock Two. There's way too much shit goin' on ahead of you. Ward slinks in with a stinkin' 29th.

Poor little Mikey Waltrip. While he may never be one of my lifeline choices for Regis' show, I gotta love him for stickin' to it. Someday he'll learn that a Waltrip has about as much chance of winnin' a race as someone named "Darrell." Michael rows his boat ashore 19th.

Rusty's has started better than a third of this year's races from the pole. And teammate Jeremy's gettin' all the heat. Takes a tenured veteran to chea-...race like this, young Jedi. Rusty's got more bad lies than Stevie Wonder at Pebble Beach. And his latest will work. 1st.

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.