2000Pocono500

I guess that Rusty could finish like, somewhere around first maybe. But maybe not. Hell, I don't know.

Oh this is just great! It's gone. My confidence is shot. Your nasty little retorts and attempted coups on my expertise have left me gun shy. What if I call it a Buick? What if I misspel a word? What if I claim I really know a woman who brags about her mudflaps? Y'all would be on me like stink on rice.....

So for fear of actually being wrong once, I'm gonna let someone else take a crack at it this week. Any takers? Anyone wanna pick 'em?.....C'mon Stacy, A lady's perspective. Doc'll help...........Tony? Gremlins got your keyboard?......Ted.....TED!!!........I see. I guess none of you women are man enough, and none of you men are woman enough. (Doc, you're doin' just fine.)

What do we do now? I don't wanna waste this Father's Day watchin' a race that-.....THAT'S IT! My Dad! He knows everything. He's my Dad. He's ut he's the one who taught me my keen intuitions. He taught me everything. He knows everything. He's my Dad.

ddddddd...........dddd-

"Hello.."

"Happy Father's Day!"

"Aw, Thank ya, Son. And thanks for the staples. Mighty thoughtful gift. I'm always losin' papers on the golf course. I've clocked winds up to 65mph over there on number 14. But one well-scrunched staple can withstand winds well over 80."

"I knew only you could find the beauty, Dad. Listen, ya gotta minute?"

"I got 10. Your Mother forgot it was Father's Day and ran to the 7-11."

"Not an orange slushie and a 'Tater log?"

"WHAZZZZZUUUUUUUUPPPPPP!"

"Oh Geez, Dad. No! No! Don't do that! Don't ever do that! You're from Kentucky...It comes out wrong."

"Have you seen the one where the lizards are doin' it? They have somehow TRAINED that little one to move his mouth right to the words. It's amazin' how intellige-"

"Dad! I've lost the power. I've lost the will. I've lost the testicular arrogance to pick the winners of this weekend's race. I can't do it, Father."

"Use the Force, Jim....And I'm not really your father."

"Alright, TOM. Will you help me?"

"Gentlemen, Start your motors!"

".......Dad, it's not mo-....mo-...it's...It's not more good to pick a long shot here. That's all I can tell ya. Okay let's start with.......Mark Martin."

"Martin...One of the Jeff Roush cars, eh? Didn't they just drop some kinda sponsorship deal? And next year he's gonna have a Willie Wonka Gobstopper on the side of his car?"

"That's Viagra, Dad."

"Ain't no such thing as 'everlasting', boy. Martin will get it up to 3rd though."

"What about Michael Waltrip?"

"He's from up here 'round Owensboro, ya know. I think I went to school with his Daddy."

"Ya went to school with everybody's Daddy, Daddy....Michael?"

"Michael may not have ever won a race, but this track has been his closest. He came in 2nd back in the late '80s. He come's in 15th in the early '00s."

"Uh....Rick Mast?"

"That's AJ Foyt's Driver, isn't it? I think I went to school with AJ's son. He kicked my ass every day in science. Mast fights for an 18th."

"Rusty Wallace?"

"I know that name. Didn't you give us a Rusty Wallace pool table light for our 40th Anniversary? Haven't put it up yet, because your Mom says it sticky.....No. I think she said 'tacky'." Tack Rusty's name on the trophy."

"Jeff Gordon?"

"Gordon....Gordon....Never heard of him. New kid? There was a Gordon kid who was tearin' it up here years ago. He finished 1st or 2nd in 8 of the last 10 races at PoKokomo. But it can't be the same guy. This guy finishes 4th."

"Sterling Marlin"

"Of the Tennessee Marlins? Boy, I done told you, we don't cotton much to the likes of them Teeny See'ums. They's pests. They's just varmints. And they's a-ffectin' the ways that we's a talkin'. I see 'um endin' up 10th."

"Ward Burton?"

"That Virginia boy's gonna drive slower that he talks. 27th"

"Steve Park?"

"He still drivin' for Amelia Earnhardt? Not a bad track for Steve. But he crashed in practice and had to qualify in a Chevy Cavalier. Horrible startin' spot. Behind Jerry Nadu-Nadu and way behind Joe Telecheck. Crashes his back up car and finishes 37th."

"Okay, Tony Stewart?

"Stewart?...Stewart?...What car does he drive?"

"The Home Depot #20"

"....vluh.....malwo..."

"Dad?..."

"Sorry. Went a little Pavlovian. Have you seen their staple aisle?"

"Dad."

"Tony gets impolite with Martin again, and passes him for 2nd."

"Geoff Bodine?"

"HIM I went to school with. He'll graduate 21st. Funny little cat. Put more cars IN the auto shop than we could keep up with. Why, I remember one time, he had a '53 Plymouth that could-"

"...Anybody else gotta question before I hang up?..........."

"...without the transmission, it just sat-"

"Alright. Thanks alot Dad. Happy Father's Day!. Tell Mom Hi!..."

"...he did somethin' with the cam that made-"

CLICK............................CLICK

"...not 5 minutes later the cops wer-"

"Dad! Hang Up!"

CLICK....CLICK.....CLICK.- CLICK...

"...I was runnin' left, He was runn-"

"DAAAAAAADDDDD!"