2000Phoenix500

Kinda takes all the fun out of it when the championship is pretty much already decided. Bobbily Bonte's lead has stretched to "whethering" heights. (Whether or not to wear them ugly shades with his tux.) He's a couple hundred laps ahead in points, and needs only to finish these last three races while the sun's up, to take the crown. And I guess all of that's jadin' my opinion about this south-waste-ern trip. I mean, really. Is it worth it?   Bobby's just gonna rack up another top 5, and then all the dejected teams are gonna have to haul 'em all the way back to Miami next week. Why even heave 'em out to the desert in the first place?

....."Yeah, but it's a dry heave."

A phan of Phoenix I am not, my phriends. Flat as a 2 day old Pepsi, and shaped like the water mark it left. And pay no attention to this "500" label it's flaunting. Look closer and you'll see it's got "kilometers" in the fine print. Pretentious euro-styling with the measurements to boot. 500K....Anybody out there got their thinkin' caps on? (Dave & Doc. Those pointy hats your wearin' don't count.) What's 500K in human length?   I know that there's some sort of formula for it......Double it and add thirty?.....5/9 minus 32?.....Pi r squared?....Pi r round?......Spring forward. fall back?

......Dave? Doc?

Stacy, Ted, Jeff, Sue, Jimmy Stewart, Glen Campbell, & River...Gordon sits 9th in the points and can't fathom missing the banquet. Relax Jeff. You'll make the stage. Just a little earlier in the evening than normal.   Jeff's never won at Phoenix. And won't get his feet wet this Sunday. 11th.

Paul Parker...Snail Earnhardt, Jr. has been busy posin' for People magazine, turnin' Ben Stein on, and televisitin' Fox & "empty"V. WAY too busy to worry bout that 16th spot in points. And still followin' the 'litre' (Kenseth) for that rookie cookie too. Lose the 'gallon' each arm and get back to racin', Junior.   22nd.

Lori, Andrea, & Tony...Rusty was mathematically eliminated when Bobby LaQualified on Friday. Still, sittin' 7th in the points. But not furlong. The 2 car has hot rodded to his ninth pole this season. (One more and he gets a 5 lap headstart in the Bud Shootout.) Nobody's won from the pole at the Desert Mile......yet. Cha-ching.

Sue...Nadeau sits 22nd but COULD still break into the top twenty. Telegram Jerry! This is Phoenix! 31st. Compton was trounced in qualifyin' and gets to watch the games instead.

Dave...Marlin's been heavyfootin' Chip Get-Nasty's Dodge down in Daytona this past week. Testin' is easy. Inchin' your way up from 19th in points, ain't.   Sterling puts that foot back into a Chevy and pedals to a 15th.

Hey! Pointy-pointy hat! It's "easy" this week.

Kim & Paul Blank...Now that King Busch'll be hangin' up his Winn Dixie car, he'll have more time to concentrate on the Sunday peckin' order. Martin's sittin' right behind Rusty in the points.....Martin's sittin' right behind Rusty today. (Sidebar....Rusty's so use to this, he spells your sponsor 'enilovlaV') 2nd....Again!

Myron...Burton sits safely in 10th. But he's due for another lousy finish here. Ward tells his wife he'll meter at the infield care unit after the scrape. (Smile Ward! Skinner's almost 300 points back.) 35th.

Molly...Rick Mast has pounded the Foyteen car into a 33rd in points. So the kilogrampa has ordered a Ron Hornaday for 2001.   Mast lame ducks to a 24th.

(Just where is AJ gonna fit 365 Ron Horns?)

Jeff & Doc...How the hectare ya supposed to beat a guy who won on here his first try? Tony's 6th in points, and although he swallows a provisional this week, I doubt the belly-acre loses a spot. (But Rusty's comin'...in that "etiL relliM" Ford.)   Stewart cruises to 9th.

and Michael Waltrip.....THIS track....(sigh). 26th.

"Hooked on Phoenix" doesn't work for HIM either.