2000NHJiffyLube300

Bummer, eh?

When Adam Petty hit the same wall a coupla months ago, it was an off week for the Winston boys. I was spared havin' to wrap one of these predict-a-thons with a black armband.   I'm only good for one or two "With all due respect"s and I usually lack the tact to stifle an ill-timed bad joke. I'm Carrot Top at your great uncle's funeral. And while I hope not to offend anyone, nor make light of Irwin's death, a fan's gotta do whatta fan's got, adieu. Besides...I imagine Kenny's up there right now, wantin' the show to go on...the racin', the predictin', AND the rubber chicken......That's Kenny Taylor I'm talkin' bout now. That damn Kenny Irwin is probably down there causin' some multi-soul spin in the River Styx 500.........."With all due respect"..(that's one)

They were speculatin' that his throttle may have hung. Some are blamin' the track, sayin' it's too fast for such flat, sharp turns. And still others are swearin' they saw a flash over by the garage-y knoll. But they're all missin' the big picture. Remember North Wilkesboro?....A short-track that was hostin' NASCAR events back when they raced on horseback? The little NC bull-ring lost its last Winston Cup race a few years ago when some northern speedway and its 80,000 seats gobbled up its spot in the schedule. So some Goober from Mayberry conjured up a buncha spirits (moonshine, that is) and started 'casking' a spell on "that damn Yankee track."   'Course, after incantatin' and inebriatin' for nearly two hours, ol' Voodoo-ber's words started slurring. And his hex on "any Ford in the starting order" at New Hampshire turned into a hex on anything starting with a four on the door.....Voila! The 'Nauth Wilkesburra Curse'.

.....Uh oh, Sterling.

Ya know, while it may not have been here at New Hampshire, you damn sure better believe a lot our drivers have had their own close calls. Ya just ain't a driver till you've bent the frame. And ya ain't a veteran till you've seen the bright light.

I remember Sterling trying to "dark roast" his Maxwelll House car at Bristol about 10 years ago. You couldn't see the car for the flames. It looked like Apollo 13 re-entering our atmosphere. Marlin "has a problem, Houston" but fireballs home in 15th.

Rusty's had a few scrapes but my favorite is his finish line tango at Talladega years ago. Crossed the line backwards, in the air, and finished with a tumble that Mary Lou Retton won't even watch. I "wreckon" he'll end up winnin' this week.

Okay, so I keep pickin' Rusty to win. And so, I'm wrong most of the time. I was informed by one of you... (I won't name names, but he's a rather Gillespious supporter of his driver)...I was informed that a TRUE fan would die before picking someone other than Rusty....So, "Irwin" or lose, I gotta go with the #2.

Alright, how was THAT? Tacky? In bad taste? Am I headin' to Hell? If I am, gimme a full face helmet before I go. I just know Kenny's down there....And he's got A.J.'s old Buick.

Speakin' of Mr. Foyt...Rick Mast has never really been in a car capable of 'killing' speeds before. But, hell, he's playin' with his life everytime he brings the boss' car back home. I'd just as soon race a figure 8 super speedway than bring A.J.'s car across the line in 21st.

Mark Martin just doesn't wreck. His career's full of more top tens than Letterman's. I can't remember his last bone cruncher. He popped the wall at this year's Winston pretty hard (with a little help from the 20 car) but I can't recall ever seeing that 6 become a 9, then a 6, then a 9, then a 6.....Only thing rollin' on the 6 today will be the Goodyears.....to a 3rd.

Steve Park played bumper pool with the walls at Atlanta a couple of years ago during practice and mumbled something about some broken bones....Hard to understand the boy without his teeth. What he lost in prize money, he made up for that night from the Tooth Fairy. Thteve bings the Pennthull numma 1 car acwoss in 19th.

Jeff Gordon - Hmmmm. Wonder Boy has had it pretty easy. He took a pop from Ernie a coupla years ago (Texas...?) that looked worse than it was. Last year's Talladega race included at T-Bone from Rusty at 400mph, but it was to the wrong door...I mean it was to the passenger's side door. Jeff's Timex ain't really taken that much of a lickin' in his career. Until he gets tagged, lifted, and inverted at speed, Jeff's gonna keep on tickin' like a Swiss timepiece....attached to a bomb. John Cameron Swayze comes in 4th.

Geoff Bodine's Daytona truck wreck this year is another of my favorites. Not so much because of the accident itself. But because it kept "Spin us, the Menace" outta Rusty's fenders for a few months. Ol' 9-Lives was fast in Happy Hour on Saturday. But the bar's closed on Sunday, Geoff. 24th.

Tony Stewart - His worst accident came at this track one year ago. He didn't roll it. He ran it outta gas with 2 laps to go. While the car was okay, Tony was the wreck. It may have been what 'bent his frame' and turned him into such an ass-.......ssssspiring fuel mileage specialist.....Tony fumes at his 5th place finish.

Ward Burton is always that "3rd car involved."   He's the guy who was running just behind the wreck and gets caught up in it. He got loose in qualifying a couple weeks ago at Sears Point and did a slo-mosault into the tires, but I've had worse tumbles in my office chair. I'm not even sure I've ever seen Ward's roof flaps. Burton ain't hurtin' when he slaps the wall but comes in 16th.

I remember Michael Waltrip destroying his Pennzoil car at a short track a decade or two ago. Drove it at speed into the end of the pit wall. 100 to 0mph in 0 feet. Everything exploded off the car. There wasn't even any yellow paint left. I found parts of it in MY yard.

As for where Michael finishes....I've been keepin' track of every race so far, and how close I've come for each of these drivers. I've actually nailed a couple and gotten close a few more times.   But with Michael, I've missed by an average of 19 positions per race. I'm throwin' darts at a pinata. My best bet at improving that average is to say he's gonna finish 20th....Now watch. His throttle will hang up and he'll be the next to bust his cabeza in Turn 3....

Oops. See that?! Another one. A tactless reference, without so much as a second "with all due respects." I just can't help it. I've got the empathy of Eric Cartman....The compassion of Stan & Kyle...and the luck of-

"Oh my God! They've killed Kenny! You bastards!"

See ya in Hell. I'll be the one spinning right in front of the #42.

(Kenny Irwin - 1969-2000)