2000MichPepsi400

Every summer, we overload the Jeep, pump the kids full of ritalin, and drive to Kentucky for a little family reunion with my branch of the tree. And each year my relatives look past our prodigality (......I think that might actually BE a word.) and go nuts with the welcome mat. There are perks & freebies & tours of where everyone works. Along with 6 home cooked meals a day, there are hourly shopping sprees for the kids, free rounds of golf at Dad's little course, and I never pay for gas.   My cousins live in a 'de-luxe apartment in the sky', and each mornin' they dryclean every stitch of my clothing. Newspaper is free. My beverage-in-laws get us all the soda we want. And this past trip, my bloodlines snuck me into the cockpit of an F-18 Hornet. (Okay, maybe the engines never fired...But I've got almost 40 years of jet fighter sound effects stored in these cheeks.....I was flyin', I tell ya.)   It's good to be a Nelson....

Just wish I'd seen a NASCAR logo on someone's shirt, hat, or business card.   Check your dictionary. The word "Nelson" is on the same page as "nepotism." (And both refer to "Figure A", a small B/W photo of my great grandfather.)   Now, just for fun, flip back a few more pages and you'll find the word NASCAR.....Refer to Figure A and....Voila! It's Gramps again. (And he's posin' with Bill France).....(Sr.)

Nepotism and NASCAR go together like...like...like father & son. 3 Bodines. 2 Labontes. Pettys and Waltrips, Andrettis and Jarretts. All ya need's a paint job and a pedigree. And as we roll into Michigan today, the name-drops keep fallin' on our heads....Yet another Earnhardt has made the field. Kerry joins daddy Dale, and his other brother Dale, for a spin or two (hundred) around this 12 lane freeway.   Oh, sure there may be some sort of 'thoroughbred' logic you could try applyin': That reflexes and adrenal instincts are hereditary. That pit strategy is inborn. That winning's in the blood.... Right. Tell that to Michael Waltrip.

NASCAR not only gives a 'dam', they give a 'sire' too. It ain't who ya know. It's who your Mama knew. "What's that last name again? Ain't you my sister's boy?".....Yeah, if you wanna race Winston Cup, you gotta 'Earn' it the 'Hardt' way.

Ted, Stacy, Sue, Jeff, Doc, & Brooke & Chef Boyardee - Ya'll better pucker up. I just saw Richard Dawson, the fiddles are playin', and the Gordons and Stewarts are ready to play the Feud. "100 people surveyed, Top 2 answers on the board....Who started it?"   I imagine the boys will behave here on this autobahn. But Bristol beckons next week. Survey says they'll wait till then before crosstitchin' each other into the walls. Gordon buzzes in 6th. Stewart won Michigan in June. But he won't get his wish again in August. The Orange Crush sips in 4th...."Good Answer! Good Answer!"

Doc - Larry & Moe qualified, buy Geoffrey is gonna miss his chance to race his brothers. Todd Bodine is set to sub for Terry in the 5 car. (Although now, Labonte has changed his mind and says he wants to race his own brother, Bobby, today.)   Brett Bodine uses a "Get Into Race Free" card and starts 42nd. If only Geoff had one of those provisionals left....Them Bodines invented the phrase 'sibling rivalry.'

Mollie - Most of Foyt's family disappeared when AJ was a kid....Shortly after losin' his first soap box derby, as I recall.   Rick Mast has endeared himself by qualifying 3rd. AJ's has started callin' him bro' and is walkin' around with this overconfident smirk on his face.....Think we oughta tell Mast the derby loss story? Bro' breaks about 2/3rds of the way through. 36th.

Dave - Sterling's Dad was Coo Coo for Logo Stuff and gave his son his first start drivin' one of these NASCAR billboards. 'Course the old school Marlin volunteered to do all the post race interviews. Sterling was still pubertizing (...Okay. now that's probably NOT a word) and his voice was too 'tinny', see. (sigh....I'm runnin' outta these, Dave. Why couldn't you be from Arkansas?) Like father, like son. Like.....13th.

Paul Parker picked a pack of pickled polesitters. Dale Jr. should be able to keep his beerwagon up front, and avoid problems with the assorted Intimidators scattered throughout the field. Dad's chewin' his first provisional and starts from Wisconsin. And big brother Kerry will still be tryin' to figure out, "Clockwise? Or counterclockwise?"    Parker's people parade his preferred port in peventh....uh, 7th.

Paul Blank & Kim - Mark Martin's originally from Arkansas, ya know. So while not havin' any legitimate family structure, he can lay claim to being his own uncle. Martin's feast or famine summer started at the June race with a 40th. Since then, he's been top 5 or 43rd each week. Mark strums a banjo and hopes for deliverance. Finishes 3rd.... And so will his nephew.

Sue - Stacy Compton couldn't qualify and calls home. He misses Mommy & Daddy.....AND his first race of the season. Jerry Nadeau qualifies 8th and calls home. He misses his sponsor. The Hooligans.com are probably building a new team, shop, and webpage come 2001. Nadeau drops to 26th.

Jeff - Steve's folks couldn't make it, but he found a foster family at his Watkins Glen win last week.....The entire state of NY. He Parks his Pennzoil in 9th today.

Michael Waltrip's brother didn't make the show this week. Darrell's 'bout ready to be put out to stud. But Mikey gets a 18th startin' spot and muscles the Waltrip name all the way up to a 17th at the end. Okay, maybe there IS somethin' to this DNA stuff.

They tell me Wo-uhd Buhton and Jeff Burton are brothers. Yeah right. One word outta each south-uh-nuh and you'll see. They's as different as mollasses and sorghum....As 'chaw and t'backy...As a Virginia mule and a Chesapeake ass.   Ward gets beat by his kin and finishes 27th. Brother Jeff heads back home to Chesapeake.

Tony, and Lori - 4 or 5 years ago, it was wall to wall Wallaces in Winston Cup. Mike has since moved into the trucks, but Kenny still follows Rusty around the track like....well, like a guy who's always losin' to his brother because he keeps following him around the track. Kenny tattles on Rusty. Tells Mom he cheated to win...

So ya happy, Tony? I'm givin' up on sagacity and goin' with my gut. (Yes, "sagacity" is a legitimate word too. It's pronounced like "some gas in me.")

.........'Course it could just be my stomach, missin' my Mama's cookin'.