2000MichKmart400

"I'll take a keg of Coke-Cola...A large popcorn with that yellow oily shit....And one of those half filled boxes of Whoppers."

"That's $28.50. Cash or Credit?"

It's my Christmas. Gone in 60 Seconds opened last night. I've been pocketin' a little bit of the kids' lunch money over the past coupla months, saving for this. Does anyone remember the first one? Story of some car thieves who.....well, steal cars. The Citizen Kane of the 70's B-Movie car flicks. They filled a junkyard when it was over. The writer, producer, and leading man was a stunt driver who also did most of the drivin' for the movie. The last half of the movie was a car chase. Last HALF! And it was the kind where the cop car is a Ford LTD while it's chasin', then turns into a Chevy Caprice when it takes flight and crashes through a building full of naked women.   I have it on tape, DVD, Betamax, LaserDisc, and 8mm film.

I was set. Aisle seat. Stadium seatin'....Dolby XQ37 Titanium Enriched Giga-Phonic Sound. A couple of breathing exercises and some stretchin' during the previews.   "WE WANT FLIPS!! WE WANT FL-"......I don't think anyone else in the theatre had ever seen the first Gone before, much less Rocky Horror. They just stared at me.....Maybe it was the little teddy & tights I was wearin'.

Now, I don't wanna give anything away to anybody who might wanna catch this movie, but I've seen better film on a pond. If we can put a man on the moon,...Wait. Tom Hanks never got to the moon. If we can put a man on an asteroid, why can't we remake a simple classic. There was no actual story in the first one. Respect that. Leave it alone. Two people....Two Cars....Chase.   A few notes...

Original - 100 cars crashed.
Gone 2K - I'd guess about 16.

Original - 40 minute car chase.
Gone 2K - 12 minutes.

Original - 128 foot car jump.
Gone 2K - Somethin' the folks with computers put together. Musta been a 1/4 mile.

Original - 73 Mustang Mach I
Gone 2K - 67 Shelby Mustang GT-500.....Okay, that's one.

Original - Novas and Plymouths and Lincoln Mark Ones.
Gone 2K - Nothing under $100,000....That's two.

Original - 100 mph chase.
Gone 2K - 140 mph chase.....Okay, but my point is -

Butthead said it best; "Ya can't polish a turd, Beavis." Nicolas Cage may have won an Oscar, but Toby Halicki-(somthin' or other) flew his Mustang without havin' his face digitally inserted. This version may have had Porsches and Ferraris and other shiny objects, but it had very few chases. $6.75 and I'm watchin' a 45 mph Lamborghini. Stop talkin', let the "sunglasses at night" thing go, and get out there and scratch some paint. Fishtail, Flip, or Fly. And gimme a big ol' Bo Duke "YEE HAW!" just for fun.

(Mollie. I need help with a segue. I got nothin'.......)

MMMMuch..like...the new..movie.......Michigan is fast but boring. It's too wide to scratch any paint. Watch the aerial shots. It's like OJ in the Bronco. And there's too much fuel mileage calculatin' goin' on to call it a chase. With so little action-packed incentive to go on, and with all the new bumpers and noses and Fords out there, I ain't gotta clue who'll win this one.

So excuse me while I stretch....

Doc - Ya still drivin' that Honda? Quite the steal-able car, 'accord'ing to some sort of insurance survey-says report I found on the web.   Bodine and Bessey could use a little according themselves. Hearin' Geoffrey might not be the 'Bess' man soon. 60 car swipes a 23rd.

Jeff & Doc - Stewart has stolen a few of Bobby's tricks at Michigan. He finished in the top 10 twice last year as a rookie. Hmmm...Both Doc & Jeff used to own 4X4 Jeeps.....Home Depot has 4X4 lumber......4X4=16.....nth

Oh this is easy.

Jeff - Now Mr. Forte is Dodgin' around town, makin' deals in an Intrepid. Steve Park bravely "pennz" a new 2 year deal with Dale Sr. The #1 car dodges Nemechek and finishes 11th.

Jeff & Stacy - Mrs. Forte, meanwhile, sells drugs out of the back of her Beemer (Pharmaceuticals....Pardon me.) and Jeff Gordon just can't 'beemer"ciful at Michigan. (Sorry) He hasn't finished outta the top 5 here since they were makin' the 318i. But he's never been there without Ray holdin' his hand. Gordon grabs an 8th.

Tony - Pontiac Bonneville.....Boring. Why don't ya tell us all about that ol' red & white AMC Gremlin, Tony. Remember? That Starsky & Hutch wannabe rhombus of a car. Was it ever stolen? (Pshaw! Who am I kiddin'.) Was it ever in a chase? (Okay okay, let's get serious now....) How hard was it to pedal? Rusty needs to shake a few gremlins and get back up in the hunt. Rusty slips away with a 7th.

Paul - Anything black. A black Accord accurrently. Paul's last coupla cars have been black. While Mark Martin's last two cars have been BACK....back in the garage. Watch out for the #20 car and Mark might snatch a 3rd.

Dave - A Chevy S-10.....Who let the hillbilly in? I suppose you expect some sort of "Sterling's season will 'pick-up' here." or "Marlin is a tailgater." Nope. I bring big news. And I've written it Tennesslowly so's you can keep up.
Chip.."Get Nasty"..is..buying..everything..but..the..shop..clock..from..the..#..40..car's..owner,..Felix.. Sabates.....Did ya get that, Nell? Chinqa-pay..Chinqa-nay-nay. The S-10 boosts the 10-S-C driver to a 10th.

Ted - You had that century old Buick, didn't you? Buick Century? Oh. I haven't see any of those on this insurance report. Course, I haven't seen any movies called Gone in 100 Years either? Gordon has taken about that long to start his year. If he can win again at Michigan it could get things goin'. And if a Century could fence you'd see a lot more stolen. Not this week, Gordo. 8th.

Lori - Last I heard, you were drivin' a "piece of shit Monte Carlo". I don't mean to correct you but, isn't that a little redundant? And remember: A shitty car is the best defense against car theft. Rusty gave up on the Monte Carlo back before Pontiac and Kodiak helped him attack a title. And now he still calls 'em "pieces of shit." Or maybe he's talkin' bout the Chevy drivers....Again, we're gettin' redundant. Rusty steals 7th from Gordon.

Kim - Brand new Ford -150 XLT. 4X4 by God. And red. Like a one of those safety trucks you see in the infield....Waitin' for Mark's next fireball. Martin's takin' a big dip in the points. He needs to stay off the TOW truck and hang behind the TWO car if he wants back up there. This 3rd will help.

Mollie - Old-mobile Alero.......Alero? This report has nothing about antihistamines. What the hell kinda name is THAT for a car? A Cutlass; that's a tough name.   Olds 442....Random numbers and letters are always good. Strong names. These are cars worth stealin'. But a Calais?...Brougham?...Alero? I'd rather hold my breath, run to Nashville, and hotwire and an S-10. Rick Mast is something of an Olds man......He's 43. And AJ is older than Oldsmobile itself. The Foyt-teen car has a big day robbing Bobby Hamilton of 24th.

Okay, a Jeep Cherry-Key, if ya must know. I didn't wanna just blurt it out, and I don't want this to change a thing between any of us. So, you're all feelin' a little jealous of me. It doesn't mean I'm THAT much better than you. And you'd just as well reconsider stealin' it. I've installed the latest in anti-theft devices, including the newest Robby Gordon Bumper Sticker/Window Cling Combo Kit.
- Rusty palms a 7th.
- Michael Waltrip is gettin' jealous of those makin' money at this sport & snares a 16th
- Ward Burton has placed 8th, 37th, 4th,& 43rd over the last 4 races. He's due. And he does....2nd.

Finally, I'm countin' on our regular batch of troublemakers to keep things interesting. After two hours of Nicolas Cage preparin' for a 12 minute joyride, I'm ready for a little Spencer, Bliss, Irwin, and Pruett....Start the music boys. You've got one minute...