2000MartinsvilleNAPA500

It wasn't the one with the girl ice skatin'....And it didn't have that little engineer guy hooking up words and phrases and clauses. I'm tryin' to remember which one of those Saturday morning Schoolhouse Rock things mentioned a "Magic Number".....But I can't even hum the tune at this point.....All I'm gettin' is the theme music from Sportscenter.

I'm a little sick of hearin' about magic numbers. Speakin' from a Cincinnatic point of view, I've been stringin' together a buncha Interjections with Conjunction Junctions and hurlin' 'em at my Reds lately. They're battlin' the Cardinals, along with a double digit magic number.....And they've one game to do it. The Bengals were mathematically eliminated back around, oh, the 3rd week of August. (The coach has just quit after being caught jumpin' up and shouting "Hurray! I'm for the other team!") And don't get me started on their le cross team.....I doubt anyone on the team's ever been IN a Schoolhouse....

Probably can't even SPELL "le cross".....

Ain't that right, Dave?

Cinc-he-naturally started so many races from the front, you'd think I'd be gloatin' about Rusty's magic number about now. But it's LaBobbiac with the 6 stroke advantage goin' into the ninth with 2 laps to go on the clock. (.....Was there ever a Schoolhouse Rock about juxtaposition?) Rusty's gotta win more than the Reds do. And Labonte has to lose more than the Reds...Did. On paper, Bobby's gotta average somethin' like sixth or better to win the championship. But paper's just a paper. Yes, it's only a paper. Truth be told, Labonte's magic number is 'qualify.' He won't get his Lolly's here at Martinsville, but he's gotta trainyard full of trophies from most of the tracks ahead. Once he qualifies, he should finish top 6, easy. Just gotta avoid hittin' any person, place or thing that Jimmy Spins-er throws his way.

Hmmmm. I can almost hear the song now....How'd it go?...."A man and a woman had a little baby....."

Kim & Paul think it was the one with the little girl with the huge rucksack on her back and the pet turtle? No. That one was about Mark Martin....And the rucksack was a monkey.... And the turtle was his Ford...8th

Sue thinks it's the hide & go seek, "5-10-15-20-." one. No...That was just somebody keepin' track of how many laps down Stacy, Casey, & Jerry are gonna go. Gordon screams "Ready or not,. Here I come!"....to a 3rd. The legal team of Compton, Atwood, and Nadeau finish 29, 32, and 21, respectively.

Mollie, Mollie, Mollie think it's the adverb song. Golly, Golly, Golly...Couldn't be more wrong. That one's about all the different ways AJ is gonna smack someone...Angrily. Wildy. Randomly.....Mast coasts to a 27th....Slowly.

Dave?.....Where are ya, Dave?....Oh. Dave's still lookin' up "le cross." But he told me he was sure it was the one about Noah's Ark. That wasn't 40 days & nights of rain, though, Dave. That was Sterlling crying. Marlin's Volun-tears just got beat in SEC conference play. He'll finish 2 by 2....2 RIGHT by 2....22nd.

(Find THAT one Dave,and I'll swear allegiance to your Knocks-villian Vols....And I'll stop with the vaudevillian knocks.)

Paul Parker thinks it's the little ice skatin' girl. But he's just stuck on his own driver's number. "If you skate, you would be great, If you could make a figure eight. That's a circle that turns 'round upon itself." Actually, Paul...You may be right. Junior gets turned 'round a couple times and finishes 19th.

Jeff & Stacy & Sue & Ted are all leaning towards the Constitution song. They all recited it in unison....Well, more like sang it. But, then again, who out there CAN rattle off the Preamble without hummin' that tune. Jeff Gordon secures the blessings of a 3rd.

Doc & Jeff took a train, took a train to another state. They're confusin' Tony Stewart with a Noun. Stewart is a dangling participle....And the sooner he falls off, the sooner the other participants will be happy (Hurray!), or sad (Aw!), or frightened (Eeeeeek!), or mad (Rats!), or excited (Wow!), or glad (Hey!)......If I may interject. Tony finishes 14th.

Oops! Class!...If I can have your attention in the Schoolhouse. Class, I'd like you to meet, Andrea. She's a Rusty fan. She collects die-casts. And on Sunday morning's she lines 'em all up, shakes a monkey hand, and sticks needles in the bumpers of anything shadin' the Lite.

G-Pie, Lori & Andrea say it's that pronoun song. The one with the kangaroo and the aardvark and the armadillo and the rhino? But he, she, it, them, and they, don't sound right. (.....Nor does the order of those first three pronouns.) Rusty Xavier Sasparilla redeems his spring race with a win.

I got to hummin' the Unpack your Adjectives tune but that couldn't have been it either. That's Burton's song. After his last two finishes, Ward is the one lettin' loose with all the 'descriptive' language....If we could just figure out what language that is. The 22 in 15th.

Couldn't be the verb song, could it? "Verb! That's what's happenin'!"...Imaginary superhero as a 'big brother' figure, mentoring and encouragin' a little kid with an inferiority complex?.....No, wait...That's Michael Waltrip. Hand-me-down leotards with a big, emblazoned "W" won't help Michael match his 3rd here this spring.....18th.

Last short track of the season, ya'll. I know the big tracks get all the glory with their triple digit speeds and their aerodynamics and their Bodinian crashes and their roof flaps and their 12-angled slo-mo's...Gimmicks are what made ConJUNCtion JUNCtion the most FUNCtionally popular of the Saturday mornin' top-40 too. But the 'magic' is in the claustrophobic confines of a tiny track at rush hour. Where road rage is so easily diguised as "rubbin" (...Where Rusty "rubs" supreme.) And where Tony & Jeff and Brett & Jimmy can finish their "discussions" in the privacy of a 42 car field. Oh, I'll not miss any of the acres of racin' to come on the Super Duperways...But I WILL miss our little short tracks after today. All three of 'em: Bristol, and Richmond, and Martinsville.

"A man and a woman had a little baby.
Yes, they did.
They had three,
in the family.
And that's a magic number."

Darn! That's the end!