2000Homestead400

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa....Hold on just a second. Steve Park? On the Pole? In a Chevy? This is Homestead we're talkin' about. A wide track for the Wide-tracks...."Ponti-acres"...."Gibbsland"....This is where the Grand Prix's have a history of dominating. (If you can call last year's inaugural race "history".) And all of a sudden this upstart Parks his Monte Carlo on the front row? Something smells mighty fishy down there by the seashore. Maybe once the media gets done with this trivial Presidential mess, they can stop by and do some REAL journalismizin'.

- Just what kinda illegal ballast is Florida lettin' the Chev-publicans use down there?
- Why was the qualifyin' order was laid out the way it was?
- Why was Steve Park listed last in the qualifyin' order?
- And where are all those absentee drivers? Where's Ernie Irvan's name? Where Richard Petty's?

Somethin's obviously wrong here....I want see the qualifyin' tape. I want to see every lap. And I want 'em to requalify. And I want 'em to KEEP requalifyin' until Rusty starts somewhere better than 17th.

Okay, okay. Enough of Jim's sour grapes. Let me recount for you how I see this race comin' out in the end.

Doc - Geoffro's spent the last month or so campaignin' for a new ride and has finally found a foo-...an owner who'll let him back behind the wheel....So that he can finish behind 31 other wheels. Ya know, while he's down there, he might consider lookin' into one of those retirement homes when all this is over. 32nd.

Doc & Jeff - Tony Stewart's bobble with Bobby made for the only highlight of last year's race. "His Incumbancy" put in almost a hundred Happy Hour miles and is ahead "in the polls" by almost a second...Fitting....2nd.

Jeff & Stacy & Sue & Ted & Al & George & Ralph - Jeff Gore-don finished up his "Bush" series career with a win here yesterday. But he'll start his Sunday drive from Volusia County and there's an awful lotta cars in the way. 8th.

Kim & Paul - Martin ended his Saturdays of Thunder career yesterday too. And guess where he finished? Poor Mark. Ya know, it WAS a close race...And Florida's full of attorneys and lawyers right now. Ever thought of gettin' an injunction? Mechanical probs drop the 6 back to 18th on Sunday.

Myron - Ward starts 8th today, but by the looks of his Happy Hour numbers, he'll be lucky to finish ahead of Ralph Nader. The Molasses Mauler is unsafe at any speed and wrecks his way to a 35th.

Sue - Nadeau can & will do as well as Pat Buchanan did. But Jerry's 'flat track fever' will subside as the Mocha City Madman drops to 23rd. And Compton will have "Gonzo" slow, he'll finish even worse. 30th.

You wouldn't happen to be a hard-linin', right-wingin', gun-totin' 'publican, would ya?

Paul Parker - If the son of a winner can win, so can the son of a winner.....Wait. Too confusin'. Let me rephrase that. If the son of a Bush can win, so can the Son of a B-.........Junior won't. 14th.

Dave - Last Tuesday, my vote was cast in a secret ballot. Just how do you Volunteers do it? A show of hands? Ya know, if Gore ends up winnin' this thing, and with your home state in a seemingly republican mood, I'd hate to be in your's and Sterling's shoes....That is, if ya'll actually WORE shoes. .Marlin concedes to a 26th.

(Pant-pant-pant......Two in one, Dave. Tennessee-um?)

Lori & Andrea & Tony - I just can't do it. I can't vote the party line on this one. Rusty's good on the flat tracks, but this super-skidpad was built for a Pontiac....A black one....With gold numbers.....(sniff) Oh, I miss that car. 5th

(Oh, and Lori? Did ya see who your Cowboys are playin' today. At least one of us will have somethin' to smile about....I'm all flossed and ready.)

Michael - "2001"...."2001"...."2001" It just can't get here soon enough. I just hope there's a president in office to call him when he wins Daytona. 24th

Mollie - What this Presidential race needs is a Foyt in the mix. Not as a candidate. But rather, a referee. Once AJ's done cussin' about Mast's 22nd finish, he needs to go slap some of them bureaucratic bean counters around a bit. I swear, if Florida gets anymore press, politicians, and pre-law paper pushers down there, that whole dang(ling) state is gonna snap right off and float away.

...Hmmmmm. Come Monday, let's all meet at the Georgia line and start jumpin' up & down.