2000Goodys500

I've been kinda missin' my mower. With a drought "reigning" all summer, and a heatwave bakin' the thirsty remains, it's a wonder I've had any landscapular responsibilities at all. (..."of or pertaining to landscapes."....I know. It's not in my dictionary either....Oughta be.) I'd even approached the City Council with a proposal to pay Jeff Burton to drive that rainmaker of his around town for a few days....Skepticular fools.

Finally, after some late season showers and a hundred dollar water bill, the rye had risen to a mulchable 4 or 5 inches. My neighbors on both sides must've had the same idea, as we'd all rolled our mowers out within minutes of each other....."Hey, Mr. Biddle! Hey, Mr. Rodgers! Dontcha just love the smell of two-stroke in the morning?"....I'm guessin' they've never seen the movie. And as I stood there cinchin' on the 'briar'proof gloves, I started noticin' that each of our quaint little properties is shaped pretty much the same. Kinda narrow, but deep....Long straightaways. And tight turns. Kinda like....Martinsville!.....(insert head and 15 watt bulb here.)

Hmm. Ya know, if I put a hotter plug in this thing and adjust the height on that left rear, I might stand a chance of finishing before these guys. Wheeled my Sears Craftsman 5HP Eager 1 onto the patio and took a round of wedge out of the rear. Blew off the spark plug idea (Who keeps spare mower plugs?) and yelled in for my son. "Nikolaus. How'd ya like to be called "Chocolate" for the next hour or two?" (...A six years old's mind is so easily swayed.) "When I'm done with each side, watch my hand. If I'm touchin' the handle, get the gas can ready. If I'm touchin' the grasscatcher, bring me a Phillips head and 1/2 inch socket. If I'm touchin' the...Aren't you writin' any of this down?"

By the time he & I got all our signals straight, the other gentlemen had started their engines already. My little crew chief was spinnin' the gas cap back on as I primed the one barrel carb. Crrrank! Crrrank!...Crank-Crank-Crank!..."GET THE ETHER!!!!" She finally lit while my kid was still back rummagin' around the flammables, and I screeched off of my patio a good swipe and a half back of the neighbors. Mr. Biddle has some kinda "earth friendly'" electric mower. He's not gonna be any competition. But my other neighbor, Rodgers, has got a '99 6 HP Snapper. I hate to sound like a Chevy guy, but c'mon!...Until Sears comes out with a better mulching package, I don't stand a chance against his Snapper.

When I got done with the front yard, I had caught up to Biodome-Man but Rodgers had a two swipe lead on me goin' up the side-yard. I was gettin' loose comin' outta the mums and knew that I wasn't gonna catch him with this set up. So I signaled 'Chocolate', throttled her down to "turtle" and dove in for a 'patio-stop.' We raised the front end of my machine another half notch, added a splash of gas, and I was off the bricks and back out in 16 point 2. Ran over an extension cord, but I don't think any of the LAWNSCAR officials saw me.

Rodgers started havin' problems with debris and made a stop of his own to clean out his Snapper's discharge. Even without a crew, he was in & out in under 20. And I was still almost 3 swipes back. BUT, I noticed he didn't take any gas. Rookie mistake! He was out of pat-sequence now. I had him right where I wanted him....

Got to the back yard and I'd made up a swipe. But I was startin' to get a slight push in the corners. May need to drop that left front another half a notch. Hung onto her for another 10-15 swipes, just to make sure I could make it on one more stop. Glanced over at Rodgers while I whoa-ed her down. He had just made another fuel stop and was a still a swipe ahead, but boggin' down in some long, thick stuff in turn three. Biddle was just gettin' TO his back yard, and sounded like he'd dropped an amp or two. Had my quickest pat-stop of the morning. Full tank of gas, quick chassis adjustment, and a sip of Coke for the driver. All in 12 seconds flat. Pulled the cord. Shoved her into "rabbit." And with a push from the crew, I made it out without goin' down another swipe.

Mr. AC/DC was drained and behind the wall as we headed towards the other side-yard. I'd made up a little ground, but knew that I had the fuel and the set-up to make it from here. Sure enough, by the time Rodgers got done gassin' up for the last time, I was in his mirrors. And with no trees on this side to deal with, I could really take advantage of all 5 of those unrestricted horses. I scraped the chain link fence comin' outta the far turn once or twice, but he had his own mishap with an air conditioner and we both ended up neck and neck on the last swipe. "Snapper! Sears! Snapper! Sears!...And Jim's gonna do it! He's gonna win the Neigh-tona 500."

So, I'm no Ned Jarrett. But I AM the Buddy Baker of Bermuda. Took me a victory lap around the yard just to rub it in. "This is MY neighborhood, Mr. Rodgers." As I pulled back onto the patio, my son was waitin' there with a half gallon of Gatorade and my Sears Eager 1 baseball cap.

Told me it was the most spectacular landscapular finish he'd ever seen.