2000California500

Last one across the finish line has to kiss Miss Hathaway!!!   Stick THAT little phrase at the end of "Start your Engines!" and we got ourselves a pretty good race, flag to flag.

The Beverly Hillbillies have rolled into town. Jethro's built himself a 'speed-away' out by the cement pond and Elly May is paintin' his "Bodine-Express" as we speak.   Granny's mixin' elixer for the drivers. Miss Jane is bringin' each and every NASCAR hauler to the coast by herself.   And Mr. Drysdale is at the ticket window chargin' $70-$100 for 3 hours rental on 2 square feet of bleacher.

The Clampett-fornia 500 changes names for this year and henceforth shall be called the NAPA Auto Parts 500. ('henceforth' is latin for "until the next highest bidder.") 2 miles of wide open track. You can go 14 wide in the corners, and, without the Talladega carb-collar, you can get up to about Mach 3 into turn 1. In Jethro-ese, that's a somethin' like 190 to 2 naught naught miles per 'our. So far, half the field has broken last year's qualfiyin' record. Best take your Pa's advice & cinch that rope belt a bit tighter....

Wait a second...I got the wrong qualifyin' list. It's got Darrell Waltrip startin' 7th.........

60 Power Team Car:
Doc - Cousin Geoffro passed up on Californy. A might slow, that boy is... Why not start on the freeways of Fontana rather the someone's skidpad in Richmond? Wait...He's a Bodine.....No relation to the REAL Jethro but they share the same cunning. So, its one more week of antibiotics and you'll be rid of that Dick Trickle. Until then, Dick will shake it to a 30th place finish.
Sidebar: Doc's dog is named Dash Riprock. Both have been known to chew scenery...(My kingdom for a rimshot.)

#2 Rusty Wallace
Lori & Tony - See if you can spot the gas cans in the pits with the "XXX" on 'em. Rusty's pal Jeremy got caught sneakin' some of Granny's hooch into his gas tank at Talla-vega a couple weeks ago. No wonder them Penske cars were able to run at those 130-135 mph speeds. Rusty's not too fond of Fontana. He'd blame the owner of the track if the same guy didn't own his car.
Watch out for them revenuers and Rusty could pull a 8th out of this.

#24 Jeff Gordon
Jeff & Stacy & Ted - Gordon SHOULD win this'n and stop this streak of different winners....But he won't. Still havin' trouble findin' a Friday parkin' spot. He'll qualify again today (Saturday) but still start around 30th and have Rainbow Worriers trouble in the pits all day.   No kiss from Elly May. Not even a top 5. Dupont do not do good today
www.jeffgordon.com finishes www.9th.org in his www.homestate.us .

#1 Steve Park
Jeff Forte brings a new car into the fold (one that just so happens to match his business card.) That's an awful lot of Earnhardts to be workin' with. Not a bad time to jump on the Jr. bandwagon, though. Got his first career pole and top 5 this year. And he ain't pissed the boss off enough to end up in the wall........Yet.
Steve loses his ignition 3/4 way through and, (just so happens) parks it behind the wall.

#7 Michael Waltrip
Michael's hot. If not for a couple of outta place open wheel drivers takin' half the cars out in
Ala-blame-ya last week, Waltrip COULD'VE had his first WC win.....And Mr. Drysdale was a philathropist.
Michael goes top 5 this week with a 4th.

#22 Ward Burton
"Jed!..Jed! Someone done stole aaalll our molasses?"
"Relax, Granny. Wode Buhton's accent started slippin' somethin' fierce.   Had to fill the boy back up before he sprained a jaw and said something intelligible."
Wode's gonna ruin the streak with a "fust" place finish.

#6 Mark Martin
Kim & Paul - You'd think Martin was pickin' wallpaper or somethin'....Can't decide which dress to wear to the dance. This week, he's picked out the same hot little red & black number from the Talladega race. But can he stroll down the steps like Elly May a-courtin'?
Martin goes garanimals and matches his number with his finish...6th
Sidebar: He's gettin' too Busched winnin' all these Saturday races to follow up on Sunday. Take a break ya little robot.

#40 Sterling Marlin
Dave - Light blue nose.....John Wayne on the hood.....What sort of Peter Max you got paintin' that thing? NEVER EVER put the Duke on anything lighter than a Chestnut. And I'd better see some sort of firearm...
Sterling sashays to a 24th...

#14 Foyt Car
Molly - Rick Mast finally got that Green 14 on the grid the first day. And while AJ may be willing to offer a "heapin helpin' of his hospitality", I'd make sure he's done "shootin' at some food" first.   This IS AJ Foyt were talkin' bout, ya know.
Kin folks said, Rick takes a shine to 18th...

#20 Tony Stewart :
Doc & Jeff - The Home Depot car's got an extra fan this week. Doc, you remember Jeff Forte. He's the one who used to kick my ass while you'd sit around and watch.   Well, now he's claiming that HE's been followin' the Stewart car since long before you....And he called you a Goofy Lookin' Opie Mothe-.....Well, I'm not one to mince TV shows.
The Rushville Rocket records a 5th....
Sidebar: I'm givin' even money on Doc. (God, writin' these things is fun.)

Ya'll come back now, y' hear?

Lester Flatt...(& headin' to the pits)