Sometimes I find myself becoming bored with this shell that is not life. Sometimes, this body yearns once more for the eternal rest, but there are things I must accomplish before I can allow it the peace it deserves.
I must put an end to Naraku. Not for the injustice he caused between myself and Inu-Yasha or many others. This treads deeper. It is the miko's duty to banish evil. Even in death, I am bound by that obligation.
It is no mistake that I am close to them. I have been searching for Naraku also, and at last he is near, as are they. Within minutes, I can see him in the thick of the glade, and I can see her standing strong, bow taut, ready to strike him if he moves in the slightest. The urge is tempting to stand back and watch as my other self completes that task. A test to see if she can truly yield the power resonating in her soul. She holds a miko's energy, but the anxious child I see before me has no idea how to use it. That isn't to say that she is weak. I've seen the power protect her when in dire situations, but as far as consciously wielding it, the closest it seems she can get right now is a charged arrow. It's not surprising though, considering her age. There has been no time for her to be taught in a proper manner.
A small sliver of me feels sorry for her. Being inducted into the life of a miko in such a way must be less than pleasant. Even I had been granted time to learn and accept.
In my former life. Most of which resides in her body.
If I had the spirit with which to care, perhaps I would be jealous. Perhaps I am jealous of her. Why does she retain the happiest parts while I am stuck with the chilling sadness and hatred? Why must I get the bad? Is it payment for something I did before? Payment for my failures in my duty?
She is me in my youth. I had also been that innocent, that carefree, that brave, and that strong. I had been respected and worshiped by many, and loved by a few. I, too, had been a shining star.
It is hard to believe that the fierce girl on the field is pure in every way, but she is. How can she remain true to her function and still live a life full of joy? I tried. I wanted that normalcy for myself once, so much that I would go through any means to obtain it. What did I get for my troubles? I stand here as dirt and clay while she gets to breathe fresh air and feel.
For that, I am jealous.
But I cannot hate her for long. To hate her is to hate me, and all I feel for me is sorrow.
A bubble of laughter escapes me as I watch her fall. There is no malice in it. I suppose it's the same laughter that fills a mother as she watches her daughter struggle to walk for the first time. If she could just tap into the power, the fight wouldn't be so difficult. But she's still learning.
From the corner of my right eye, I witness Inu-Yasha scoop her into his arms, and my laughter increases as she scolds him for coming to her rescue. Good girl. She wants to do this herself.
If you could call the lump of dirt in my shell a heart, then it would be bursting with pride at the scene.
It's too late for her though. A pull at my consciousness tells me that Naraku has turned tail again. I watch her face contort with contempt and defeat, and then a hint of blush rises to her cheeks as Inu-Yasha inspects her for injuries.
A tinge of jealousy comes back to me. Only twice can I remember seeing his eyes full of concern for my safety. Usually, they held respect, and a sort of fear of me.
Slowly, I come to the realization that the respect for me caused him to acknowledge early on that I could fend for myself. I shouldn't be angry. It's true; I never needed his help. I was lonely in my duty, but it wasn't something I hadn't overcome time and time again. I didn't need him like she appears to need him.
Another reason to be jealous. She truly does need him. Even if her powers come into their own someday, there is a sense about her that she needs the love radiating from the people around her; she feeds off it. And they need her love.
She is me, if I could have been myself.
That's not correct. She is me, carrying out the life I wanted before I died.
My mind replays a brief memory-a wish I made while on the funeral pyre. The wish to be reborn, to live the next life as I could not live my old life..
I am aware that the whole group is looking at me now with curious eyes. There is a feeling that they are waiting for something, but for what? For me to go to Inu-Yasha or for him to come to me?
There will be none of that today. Today is for me and her. For us alone.
She catches my eye, and we silently regard each other. I await the fear and contempt she feels for me to show, and I am shocked when they are replaced by a wave of sadness, sadness for me. She feels sorry.for me?
Not just me. For the both of us. We both desire things that don't actually belong to us.
That memory comes back to haunt me again. The part of my soul that rests in her calls to me. The wish I made to be reborn with a happier life-can't I see that I'm living it out right now? It beckons, telling me that if I give up this false existence and rejoin my soul then I can feel whole again. I can be happy and loved.
Why can't I see that?
Iie, not today. Not until I defeat Naraku.
Maybe not ever.
It's not even a want to destroy Inu-Yasha that drives me. Not anymore. Now it's the simple need to go on-to live like I couldn't before.
Why can't she see that?
I fade into the depths of the forest again, away from their inquisitive stares. To most of them, all I'll ever be is the walking undead; I wouldn't be here if it hadn't been for the old hag reviving me in this present state.
To Inu-Yasha, I will always be a constant reminder of failure and unfinished love. Love that he now shares with the other me, even if he still feels responsible for this version. He'll deny it, of course, but I can see it in his eyes.
I understand. He loves her because she holds all of our best qualities. The ones he fell in love with. And he continues to love me because he feels loyalty.
But it's not real love.
But to her, to her, I'm memories of what used to be; things she's tried to forget. I am the reason she's always lived life to the fullest and loved all without question.
So she does understand. She can see why I continue to roam the land in death as I did in life. The ancient sense of duty to fulfill, the pain of betrayal and the need for revenge, the hope of love, and the need to be happy.
That's all I really want. That's my motive for staying, for my rage towards a girl that I can't really hate.
Because all I want is a chance. A chance to live.
I don't know where this story came from. It just sort of poured out. Obviously, I'm not a "Kikyo-basher". That doesn't mean I support her being with Inu-Yasha. As I had her explain in here, I really feel that Inu-Yasha will one day come to his senses and realize that Kagome holds all of the things he loved about Kikyo. Because she and Kikyo are the same. I guess this was a way of explaining things from Kikyo's perspective.
As always, this isn't owned by me. It belongs to Takahashi-sama. I'm not rich anyway. And thanks to all those that reviewed my first story! I'm writing a prequel for that as we speak.