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Neale's Amazing Facts And Jokes Page

 

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but men s noses and ears never stop growing.

When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like "Coca-Cola" when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to

mean was "Bite the wax tadpole". It did not sell well.

Tomatoes and cucumbers are fruits.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

Just some things to think about now and then....

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they use to.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

***In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.****(my personal favorite!)

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on
these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that
to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are
all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Bet you didn't know this stuff...

Here's some history fun for you. Next time you are washing your hands, and
complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think
about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in
May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, as time passed they were
starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had
the privilege of the nice clean water; followed by his sons, and other men
living under the same roof. Then came the women and finally the children.
Last of all were the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it, hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with
the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw, piled high-with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and
other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof, thus
came the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs." ?


There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house either. This
posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could
really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet
hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came
into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than
dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor."


The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet,
so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As
the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the
door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the
entrance way creating a "thresh hold."


In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always
hung over the fire. Every day they lighted the fire and added things to
the pot. They ate mostly vegetables without much meat. They would eat the
stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight, then start
over the next day. Often times the kettle contained the same stew for quite
a while, hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
porridge in the pot nine days old."


Families that could obtain pork considered themselves quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was an
outward sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." Another
indication was to cut off a sliver of bacon to share with guests and sit
around to "chew the fat."


Those with money had plates made of pewter. Unknowingly at the time, food
with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,
causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes,
so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.


Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood
with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from
stale bread, which was so old and hard that they could be reused for quite some
time. Trenchers were never washed, and worms and mold got into the wood
and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get "trench
mouth."


Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of
the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."


Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along
roadside would often take them for dead, and prepare them for burial.
The "deceased" were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days,
and families would gather around, and eat, drink and wait to see if the person
would wake up, thus began the custom of holding a "wake."


England is old and small, and the locals started running out of places to
bury people. They would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening coffins, 1 out of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside. Realizing they
had been burying people alive came the thought of looping a string around the
wrist of the corpse, through a hole in the coffin, and up through the
ground attached to a bell. Someone had to sit in the graveyard all night long --
the "Graveyard Shift" -- to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved
by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in
old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at
to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's
where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle
baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a
refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your >
whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.

In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had
consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When
anyone wanted to have a baby, they got the consent of the King and the
King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were
having sex. The placard had F. U. C. K. on it (Fornication Under
Consent of the King). Now you know where that came from.


On a BAD day

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of
the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they
were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to
a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his
reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with
an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the
world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came
down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone
bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had
been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from
the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by
the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment
he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two
thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling
the two hapless protesters to death.

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.


INSURANCE Statements:

The following was given to me by a friend, I found it so hilarious that I had to share it on-line ... What follows are actual statements found in insurance forms where auto drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even the most incompetent writing may be mighty entertaining:

  • - Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
  • - The other car collided with mine without giving any warnings of it's intentions.
  • - I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head thru it.
  • - A truck backed thru my windshield into my wife's face.
  • - A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  • - The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  • - I pulled away from the side road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
  • - In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into the telephone pole.
  • - I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
  • - I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
  • - As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
  • - To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
  • - My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
  • -An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
  • - The pedestrian had no idea which direction to turn, so I ran over him.
  • - I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
  • - The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  • - I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
  • - The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of it's way when it struck my front end.

Amazing facts: 

 If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you fart constantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank # for animal having the most taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

Some lions have sex over 50 times a day

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Starfishes haven't got brains.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime-time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Smartest dogs 1) Scottish border collie 2) Poodle 3) Golden retriever.

Dumbest: Afghan hound.

City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong

State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7

Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World: 70%

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches

Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for Profiles in Courage

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. Oh nooooo... Does this mean Redheads???

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, "G.P."

The Pentagon has twice as many bathrooms as When it was built in the 1940s,

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-stars Game.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.


How about this.... The nursery rhyme Ring Around the Rosey is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around the rosey..."), these sores would smell very badly and common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores ("...a pocket full of posies..."), People who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("...ashes, ashes, we all fall down).


More Funny Facts

Raw cashews are poisonous and must be roasted before they can be eaten (this is
probably one reason that you can't buy cashews in the shell)

Vietnamese currency consists only of paper money; no coins.

During his entire life, Vincent Van Gogh sold exactly one painting, Red Vineyard at Arles.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

Skin is thickest on the back -- 1/6 of an inch

The most sensitive finger is the forefinger.

Alaska is the most northern, western and eastern state; it also has the highest
latitude,the most eastern longitude and the most western longitude.

Cinderella's slippers were originally made out of fur. The story was changed in the 1600s by a translator.

A large flawless emerald is worth more than a similarly large flawless diamond.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and
Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"

A penguin only has sex twice a year.

Mr. Spock's (of Star Trek) blood type was T-Negative
.
A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

The statue of Christ in Rio de Janeiro is exactly facing the statue of Christ in Lisbon, Portugal.

There are 118 ridges on the outside of a dime.

The dot above an 'i' is called a tittle.

A peanut is not a nut; it is a legume.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

It was the left shoe that Aschenputtel (Cinderella) lost at the stairway, when the prince tried to follow her
.
The phrase "sleep tight" originated when mattresses were set upon ropes woven through the bed frame. To remedy sagging ropes, one would use a bed key to tighten the rope.

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

The A&W of root beer fame stands for Allen and Wright
.
A baby eel is called an elver, a baby oyster is called a spat.

Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box.

On a trip to the South Sea islands, French painter Paul Gauguin stopped off briefly in Central America, where he worked as a laborer on the Panama Canal.

There are only 12 letters in the Hawaiian alphabet.

Charles de Gaulle's final words were, "It hurts."

Gatorade was named for the University of Florida Gators where it was first developed.

Brooklyn is the Dutch name for "broken valley"

There are four states where the first letter of the capital city is the same letter as the first letter of the state: Dover, Delaware; Honolulu, Hawaii; Indianapolis, Indiana; and Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

There are four cars and ten lightposts on the back of a ten-dollar bill
.
Venetian blinds were invented in Japan.

Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past
their king. This custom has become the modern military salute
.
ABBA got their name by taking the first letter from each of their first names
(Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny, Anni-frid.)

The first electric Christmas lights were created by a telephone company PBX installer. Back in the old days, candles were used to decorate Christmas trees. This was obviously very dangerous. Telephone employees are trained to be safety concious. This installer took the lights from an old switchboard, connected them together, strung them on the tree, and hooked them to a battery.

White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees)

The "huddle" in football was formed due a deaf football player who used sign language to communicate and his team didn't want the opposition to see the signals he used and in turn huddled around him.

There is no such thing as naturally blue food, even blueberries are purple.

It was illegal to sell ET dolls in France because there is a law against selling dolls without human faces.

Walt Disney had wooden teeth.

The hundred billionth crayon made by Crayola was Perriwinkle Blue.

Montana mountain goats will butt heads so hard their hooves fall off

The coast line around Lake Sakawea in North Dakota is longer than the California coastline along the Pacific Ocean

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with
"Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

Kitsap County, Washington, was originally called Slaughter County, and the first hotel there was called the Slaughter House.

Dinosaur droppings are called coprolites, and are actually fairly common.

The legbones of a bat are so thin that no bat can walk.

No matter how big or small the piece of paper, you can't fold it in half eight times
.
The Beatles song "Dear Prudence" was written about Mia Farrow's sister,
Prudence, when she wouldn't come out and play with Mia and the Beatles at a religious retreat in India.

The state of Maryland has no natural lakes.

Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

St. Paul, Minnesota was originally called Pigs Eye after a man who ran a saloon there
.
The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.

Moisture, not air, causes superglue to dry.

Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.

Sarsaparilla is the root that flavors root beer.

The U.S. Mint in Denver, Colorado is the only mint that marks its pennies.

A full moon always rises at sunset.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

Rabbits love licorice.

Kelsey Grammar sings and plays the piano for the theme song of Fraiser
.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds recieved in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural cause
.
In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only, home run.

Panama hats come from Ecuador not Panama.

Urea is found in humna urine and dalmatian dogs and nowhere else
.
Human birth control pills work on gorillas.

The Earl of Condom was a knighted personal physician to England's King Charles
II in the mid-1600's. The Earl was requested to produce a method to protect the
King from syphillis.(Charles the II's pleasure-loving nature was notorious.) The
result should be obvious.

There is no word in the English language that rhymes with orange
.
Lynyrd Skynard was the name of the gym teacher of the boys who went on to form that band. He once told them, "You boys ain't never gonna amount to nothin'.
"
M & M's were developed so that soldiers could eat candy without getting their fingers sticky.

The Grateful Dead were once called The Warlocks.

Pinocchio was made of pine.

A banana tree is not a tree; it is an herb.

Alma mater means bountiful mother.

Glass flutes do not expand with humidity so their owners are spared the nuisance of tuning them.

Carnivorous animals will not eat another animal that has been hit by a lightning strike.

Reindeer milk has more fat than cow milk.

The "L.L." in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood.

Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.

"Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has
about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the
twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise
what is occuring, relax and correct itself. At about that height it hits maximum
speed and when it hits the ground it's rib cage absorbs most of the impact.

The female ferret is referred to as a `jill'
.
Alexander the Great was an epileptic
.
Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother
.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Elton John's real name is Reginald Dwight. Elton comes from Elton Dean, a Bluesology sax player. John comes from Long John Baldry, founder of Blues Inc. They were the first electric white blues band ever seen in England-

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

The original plan for Disneyland included a Lilliputland.

The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."

The "ZIP" in Zip Code stands for "Zone Improvement Plan."

Pocahontas appeared on the back of the $20 bill in 1875

Crickets hear through their knees.

Turnips turn green when sunburnt.

Pigs, walruses and light-colored horses can be sunburned.

Crows have the largest cerebral hemispheres, relative to body size, of any avian family.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

St. Bernard is the patron saint of skiers.

John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles
.
Of all U.S. Presidents, none lived to be older than John Adams, who died at the age of 91
.
Abe Lincoln's mother died when the family dairy cow ate poisonous mushrooms and Ms. Lincoln drank the milk.

George Washington's false teeth were made of whale bone
.
Gerald Ford was the only man who held both the Presidency and the Vice-
Presidency but who was not elected to either post.

Gerald Ford was once a male model.

According to the ceremonial customs of Orthodox Judaism, it is officially sundown when you cannot tell the difference between a black thread and a red one.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

In Kenya they don't drive on the right or left side of the street in particular, just on whichever side is smoother.

The Utah State Bird is the California Seagull and the Utah State Tree is the Colorado Spruce
.
Cyano-acrylate glues (Super glues) were invented by accident. The researcher was trying to make optical coating materials, and would test their properties by putting them between two prisms and shining light through them. When he tried the cyano-acrylate, he couldn't get the prisms apart.

Almost half the bones in your body are in your hands and feet
.
A flamingo can eat only when its head is upside down.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head.

An elephant can be pregnant for up to two years.

Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.

Marijuana is Spanish for 'Mary Jane.'

One of the many Tarzans, Karmuela Searlel, was mauled to death on the set by a raging elephant.

Professional ballerinas use about twelve pairs of toe shoes per week.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

Cranberry Jello is only sold in November and December, and is the only jello flavor that comes from real fruit, not artificial flavoring.

Don MacLean's song "American Pie" was written about Buddy Holly.

Impotence is legal grounds for divorce in 24 American states.

The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

'Strengths' is the longest word in the English language with just one vowel.

Twinkies aren't made, they're formed by a chemical process.

A family of six died in Oregon during WWII as a result of a Japanese balloon bomb.

AM and PM stand for "Ante-Meridian" and "Post-Meridian," respectively, and A.D. Actually stands for "Anno Domini" rather than "After Death.

The first person to fly across the Atlantic Ocean alone in a hot air balloon was
a Stanford alumni.

Benito Mussolini would ward off the evil eye by touching his testicles.

Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle

Stalin was only five feet, four inches tall.

The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.

Armadillos get an average of 18.5 hours of sleep per day and can walk
underwater.

Polar bears' fur is not white, it's clear.
Polar bear skin is actually black. Their hair is hollow and acts like fiber optics, directing sunlight to warm their skin.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -it will let you go instantly.

Killer whales kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

The only planet without a ring is earth.

If you feed a seagull Alka-Seltzer, its stomach will explode.

The raised reflective dots in the middle of highways are called Botts dots.

The Amazon rainforest produces half the world's oxygen supply.

A group of kangaroos is called a mob.

A group of whales is called a pod.

A group of geese is called a gaggle.

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like
it's kissing the conveyor belt.

Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of linen.

A rhinoceros's horn is made of hair.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie
.
Shrimps' hearts are in their heads.


The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated
that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply
of footballs.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already
married.

The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year. BE CAREFUL!

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or
handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the
whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by
this practice.

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes...when
you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep
on. That's where the phrase, "good night, sleep tight" came from.

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific.
When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo
belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the
pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

Lessons  Learned:

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." Age 6

I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29

I've learned...that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41

I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage,

and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a > medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands.
you need to be able to throw something back. Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family,
the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72

I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch ---
holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92


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