| PARTIES Let's take a look at the last example from above: I'm terrified of parties where there is a lot of tempting food. When you're attached to feeling terrified of parties, you avoid parties because you don't want to be tempted by the food. You worry about receiving invitations to parties, especially around holidays. Just one party could ruin a week's worth of weight-loss efforts. When you see your state of mind clearly, you recognize that the energy you spend being terrified of parties is misguided. This pain doesn't come from a party; parties don't cause pain. Suffering comes from the experience of being terrified and wanting to avoid parties. If you weren't terrified of parties, terror would find something else to fear. Feeling terrified is an attachment to desire on the lookout for an object to be terrified of. It doesn't matter what the object is; terror doesn't care. The feeling of terror within you is what needs your attention, not another object to distract your attention from it. When you focus on the feeling of terror, it loosens the grip on the object, in this case, parties. Once you identify your attachment to desire as separate from the object of it, you isolated the source of suffering so you can begin to address it. The ability to separate attachments from objects of desire is an ongoing challenge. The Hungry Ghost works hard to keep you searching for things to satisfy the chronic hunger for more. You must work even harder to pay attention to what's fueling this search instead of participating in it. GRASPING ATTACHMENTS HURTS, PREFERENCES DO NOT Preferences aren't destined to create suffering. Only grasping at preferences has the power to do that. For instance, if you'd rather be two sizes smaller, that preference is no problem. But if you're are really attached to wanting to be a smaller size, that attachment can create problems. You may feel driven to take extreme measures like using diet pills or trying a crash diet that's nutritionally unsound. Or you may beat yourself up to such a degree that you become depressed and withdrawn. In other word, attachments can be dangerous and create a lot of suffering. Strong attachments, not preferences, have the potential to trigger you own suffering, and they have the potential to hurt others as well.... IDENTITY The suffering generated from our attachments really heats up when we build an identity around them. For instance, at times we define ourselves by certain preferences: "I'm a chocolate lover;" "I'm an Italian food freak;" "I'm a deli devotee;" or "I'm an Indian food snob." Once you establish an identity around somethiing, there's pressure to support and defend it. That's a form of suffering in and of itself. Defending an identity takes time and energy. As a restaurant buff, you only want to go to the places where you get the best burritos or the flakiest croissants; you need to avoid the second-rate places. Your identification with something can be so strong, you lose perspective on what's really true: you are not your attachments. There are many different pieces that makeup you and these pieces are always changing. In the morning you may start out as Mom or Dad. But that identity is always changing. In Buddhist psychology, there's no real you. That's a concept that describes many interrelated facets of experiences. But when you're strongly identified with one of these facets, it feels like you are your attachments, and this creates suffering.... NASRUDIN'S EGGPLANT Nasrudin is a legendary character in Turkish folklore. He is often used to illustrate the antics of the human mind because he can be silly, clever, and mystical all at once. Nasrudin and a friend once went to a restaurant and decided to share a plate of eggplant. They argued fiercely as to whether the eggplant should be stuffed or fried. Each was attached to his identity about the best way to prepare and enjoy eggplant. Tired and hungry, Nasrudin yielded to his friend's wish to order it stuffed. His companion suddenly collapsed off his chair and onto the floor. Nasrudin jumped out of his seat. "Are you going for a doctor?" asked someone at the next table. "No, you fool," shoulted Nasrudin. "I'm going to see whether it's too late to change the order." Nasrudin was so attached to the kind of eggplant he wanted, he saw the accident as an opportunity to satisfy his desire rather than help his friend. Attachments to identity can narrow the perspective to such a degree, they overshadow someone's need for help, put friendships in jeopardy, or trigger the end of a relationship... Continue BACK TO PAGE 1 |