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                                  When Sex Becomes an Addiction
                                            By Stephen Arterburn

For millions of people, Christians included, sex is a drug. Like any drug, it is used in an attempt to deaden pain: the pain of rejection, loneliness, fear, anxiety, childhood abuse or any of a dozen other hurts. Eventually people all discover that it does not work. It masks the pain for a moment, providing a brief mood change�not just the orgasm, but also the ritual leading up to it�the seeking of which becomes the central organizing factor of daily life. But in the long run, instead of making the pain better, it ends up making it worse as the person experiences deepening humiliation and loss of control over his or her life.
Consider the man who gets through his stressful days by visiting a few adult book stores and then a massage parlor on his lunch hour. The quick and reliable pleasure of the sexual encounter becomes his antidote to the pressures of life. He becomes convinced that he cannot function without this daily "fix." He turns to sex the way a heroin addict reaches for the needle. But until the underlying need and the emptiness at the core of his life are addressed, his addiction will continue to drive him deeper and deeper into slavery.

Sex as an Addiction
Sex, void of intimacy, is as addictive as any pill or injection. Sex provides a quick mood change. It is a reliable escape. It is used to mask pain. Eventually the sex addict becomes powerless over it. The addict goes out of control as the compulsion takes control. Even harmful consequences cannot deter the sex addict's compulsion to repeat the act and find temporary relief. The addict becomes powerless to change. Often he wants to change, knows he has to change. But he reaches a point where he cannot without some outside help. Try as he might, some trigger always comes along to set off the obsession yet again. The common denominator of all addictive problems is this: What the addict sought to control comes to control him. Even consequences like the threat of disease, disruption of family life and public humiliation are not powerful enough to extinguish the addiction. Sex addiction can readily be seen to have a number of parallels to other more familiar forms of addiction. Like all other addictions it is progressive; it grows worse over time. It does not stand still. The addict does not reach a certain level and then stay there. There is a built-in dynamic that always drives the addict to the next level and the next and the next. The end of the spiral is insanity or even death. Sexual addiction builds tolerance like other addictions. Alcoholics are notorious for their ability to hold enormous quantities of liquor. It is the same with sex: Greater and greater stimulation is required to produce ever-diminishing gratification. The addict has a tolerance for sex that leaves others aghast. Several sexual experiences a day still leave him unsatisfied. Indeed, the appetite grows stronger, not weaker, with each attempt to satisfy it. Sexual addiction produces withdrawal. The sex addict suffers withdrawal symptoms when he tries, or is compelled, to give up his drug for any length of time. An alcoholic gets the shakes without alcohol; the sex addict is shaken as well. He begins to think he might go crazy without sex and the obsessive withdrawal drives him to repeat the act anywhere or with anyone. Sexual addiction follows obsessive-compulsive patterns. Thoughts of alcohol, or cocaine, or eating, or gambling, or sex, begin to crowd everything else out of the addict's mind, until he reaches the point where he has to do something to make them go away. As the obsession turns to compulsion, the addict finds himself in the act of doing things he doesn't want to do, things he has promised never to do again. It is as though he is standing outside himself, pleading with himself not to go on, but deaf to his own cries. Sexual addiction produces shame. In the beginning, the addict chooses behaviors that are congruent with his sense of what is appropriate. But the force of the addiction eventually drives him into behaviors he himself abhors. To escape the burden of shame�which would crush him if he had to bear its full weight�he shifts the blame for what he does to his parents, wife or even his boss.

Marks of Addictive Sex
It is easy to confuse normal sexual desire and conduct with addictive compulsion and gratification. A person can have a stronger-than-normal sexual appetite and not be an addict. Here are some characteristics of addictive sex that help set the two apart:
Addictive sex is done in isolation. This does not always necessarily mean that it is done while physically alone. Rather it means that mentally and emotionally the addict is detached, or isolated, from human relationship and contact. The most intimately personal of human behaviors becomes utterly impersonal. Addictive sex is secretive. In effect, the addict develops a double life�practicing masturbation, going to porn shops and massage parlors, paying for prostitutes, surfing the Internet late at night�all the while hiding what he is doing from others, and in a sense, even from himself. Because this secret life is so full of shame, the biggest fear of the sex addict is to be found out. Addictive sex is devoid of intimacy. The sex addict is utterly self-focused. He cannot achieve genuine intimacy because his self-obsession leaves no room for giving to others. As a child, there were most likely no intimate relationships outside of sex. To be truly intimate is an experience most sex addicts have never had. Addictive sex is devoid of relationship. Addictive sex is mere sex, sex for its own sake, sex divorced from authentic interaction of persons. This is most clear with regard to fantasy, pornography and masturbation. But even in regard to sex involving a partner, the partner is not really a person, but a cipher, an interchangeable part in an impersonal�almost mechanical�process. Addictive sex is victimizing. The overwhelming obsession with self-gratification blinds the addict to the harmful effect his behavior is having on others. If achieving gratification means that a 6-year-old child will be victimized, the addict will proceed anyway. Sex addicts need to be helped so that victimization is stopped. Addictive sex ends in despair. When married couples make love, they are more fulfilled for having had the experience. Addictive sex leaves the participants feeling guilty, regretting the experience. Rather than fulfilling, it is empty, and they despair over who they had sex with or how low they stooped to have it. In these dark moments of despair the addict most likely feels abandoned by God. Often they think to themselves of how badly they want to stop and want help, but they do not know how to stop or where to turn.
Like the alcoholic progressing from sipping an occasional beer to guzzling whiskey straight from the bottle, like the drug addict graduating from marijuana to crack cocaine, the sex addict inevitably moves beyond his current repertoire of behaviors into new frontiers of the forbidden.

LEVELS OF SEXUAL ADDICTION
Like the alcoholic progressing from sipping an occasional beer to guzzling whiskey straight from the bottle, like the drug addict graduating from marijuana to crack cocaine, the sex addict inevitably moves beyond his current repertoire of behaviors into new frontiers of the forbidden. Sexual addiction, like all addictions, escalates. First the addict fantasizes, then he looks for ways to act on those fantasies. He starts, gingerly and tentatively, with mild forms; he ends plunging headlong into extreme manifestations of the problem. In the beginning, the person has an addiction; in the end, the addiction has him.
Level One:
Fantasy, Pornography, Masturbation
Anyone engaged in the first level of sex addiction would have no difficulty justifying his actions in light of our society's liberal attitudes toward promiscuous sexual behavior. Although they are acting outside of God's will, they rationalize that what they are doing is not that bad. Fantasizing is a form of escape that tempts almost everyone. The addict compares this to other more victimizing levels and feels safe. The sex addict fails to realize that the addiction battle is a battle for the mind, and that compulsively mentally undressing and imagining interludes with others is where the battle is lost first.
Fantasy and pornography are closely related links in the sexual addiction chain. Pornography is an industry based on the combination of fantasy and masturbation. Through the use of pornography, the addict can masturbate while fantasizing about sex with a small child, sex while inflicting pain and violence or sex with multiple partners. Pornography is the gateway drug of most sexual addiction, viewed as harmless by society, yet it is the fuel that burns in the fires of lust gone out of control. The ocean of free pornography available on the Internet has only increased its threat to society. Ted Bundy, who killed 28 women and children, was interviewed by Dr. James Dobson just hours before being executed. During this interview he openly admitted his guilt and took full responsibility for his actions. He also offered some reflection on the impact pornography had on his life:
"I look at pornography as an addiction," Bundy said. "You keep craving something that is harder and harder, which gives you a greater sense of excitement, until you reach a point where pornography only goes so far. You reach that jumping off point where you begin to wonder if actually doing it will give you that which is beyond just reading about it or looking at it." Too few acknowledge the true danger of pornography. Those trapped in its merciless grip know of its power. Pornography is about masturbation. Bluntly put, that is what people do when they use pornography. Porn is not an art form. It is an aid to masturbation. The Playboy Mansion was built on the proceeds of men's desire to have sex with themselves while looking at pictures of perfected nude women. Compulsive masturbation, built on fantasy and pornography, is a quick escape from intimacy. The compulsive masturbator is without the ability to develop genuine intimacy skills. Sex becomes a one-sided process of self-gratification. The addict would rather masturbate than take the time to develop a relationship. Expecting marriage to eliminate the drive to masturbate, the addict soon finds that intimate sex is too much trouble and returns to the compulsion.   Different schools of psychology and theology disagree over whether masturbation is acceptable under various circumstances. My personal opinion is that for the sex addict, masturbation is never acceptable under any circumstances, because it starts the addiction cycle all over again, in the same way a drink sets off the alcoholic.
Fantasy, pornography, and masturbation together constitute the first level of sex addiction. They are essentially solitary. They are not considered criminal, except for the more extreme forms of pornography. Society either winks at them as insignificant amusement or encourages them as normal. But they form the gateway to deeper levels of enslavement.
Level Two:
Live Pornography, Fetishes and Affairs
As with the first, the second level does not involve criminal behavior. It differs from the first level in that contact is made with another person. In level one, the sex was on paper or a video, on a computer screen or in the mind. In level two, real live people are involved. Level two covers everything from going to bars that feature nude dancing to having an affair. It includes fetishes, in which items of clothing or other belongings of a real person become erotic enhancers. It also includes phone sex and all forms of sexual touching that are "accidentally on purpose," such as brushing up against someone in an elevator so as to touch them sexually. The most common form of level two sex addiction is having repeated affairs. A person who has a fling is not, by virtue of that one instance, a sex addict. But many people whom we now label as unfaithful could more properly be viewed as sex addicts, since they cannot exist apart from repeated affairs. Frequently the affairs will not provide enough thrills for very long. The addict may escalate to perverse forms of sex involving bondage, masochism, or sadism. They may pursue sex with multiple partners or begin seeing prostitutes. All these derivative behaviors reflect the ever-diminishing satisfactions of addictive sex devoid of intimacy.
Level Three:
Minor Criminal Offenses, Prostitution, Voyeurism, Exhibitionism
Long after it has become immoral and unhealthy, sex addiction progresses to the point where it crosses the criminal line. Level three refers to relatively minor criminal behaviors, such as prostitution, which is sometimes mistakenly referred to as a victimless crime. The prostitute, surprisingly to some, is frequently a sex addict and is a victim of the system of sex for hire. Many sex addicts progress to the point of paying hundreds of dollars a night for several prostitutes, believing they are practicing free love while enslaved to the world's oldest profession. Other level three acts include voyeurism and exhibitionism. Such acts may not be as outwardly obvious as they sound. A jogger who looks in bedroom windows is as much a voyeur as the person who hides in the bushes and spies on his target. An exhibitionist might do nothing more than leave the shades open while changing clothes at home or leave his fly unzipped when in public. All these acts are illegal, though they bear only minor consequences to their victims and minor legal sanctions to their perpetrators. More serious infractions constitute the fourth level of sex addiction.
Level Four:
Severe Legal Consequences, Molestation, Incest, Rape
Child molestation, incest, and rape are behaviors that characterize the fourth level of addiction. The perpetrator�which is what he will now be called by the police�will do jail time if apprehended and convicted. The victim will pay an even heavier price: often a life sentence of emotional turmoil and pain. He may well grow up to victimize others, repeating the chain of addiction across the generations. This unending cycle of victimization should move all of us to confront the sex addict and help him get the treatment he needs.

THE ADDICTION CYCLE
The stages of sex addiction progress from relatively minor to extremely severe. The consequences�both for the addict and for his victims�likewise grow more severe. The addiction is painful for the addict at any stage. He is usually laboring under his own denial, so deeply trapped in the addictive cycle that he cannot see any way of escape. Understanding the stages in that cycle can make it easier for the addict�and for those around him�to identify the problem and choose to seek help.
Obsession
The addiction begins with severe focus on self, either of the "poor me" variety or an obsession with past hurts. The addict loses the ability to concentrate on daily life as his mind becomes saturated with thoughts of how he will obtain relief. The triggers of obsessive thinking can be anger, shame, pain, anxiety, or some other momentary emotional upset. Or the trigger can be sexual in nature: some form of pornography, an attractive individual glimpsed in passing, an innocent-looking picture in a magazine or on television that stirs up lust. Whatever the trigger, the addict feels compelled to find relief as soon as possible.
The Hunt
Eventually the addict is driven to action. He looks for something or someone with which to be sexual. He may download pornography from the Internet at work or home, hoping his boss or wife won't catch him. He may seek out a familiar bookstore or nightclub. He may go out in search of a sexual partner, perhaps in singles' bars or on the street. Or he may simply find a bathroom where he can be alone with his fantasies and masturbate. Often the hunt is highly ritualized, built on years of practiced behavior and experience.
Recruitment
Identifying and obtaining a victim may be as simple as logging on to a pornographic Web site or purchasing a magazine. Or it may be far more complex, as in enticing and seducing another unsuspecting person.
Gratification
In one sense, gratification is simply a matter of achieving orgasm by means ranging from masturbation to intercourse. But it is not always so simple. Many addicts cannot achieve orgasm apart from elaborate and ever-escalating fantasy fulfillment. Finding the right kind of pornography, or the right kind of partner, or the right brand of perverse sexual behavior, is what fuels the addictive process from one level to the next.
Return to Normal
After the fantasy has been fulfilled and orgasm achieved, the obsession lifts and the addict once again feels "normal." Ted Bundy described a feeling of normalcy even after committing a murder. But as with other addictions, this state of normalcy does not last. The addiction intrudes once again, starting the cycle over again.
Justification
As the addict allows himself to become aware of what he has done, the need arises to justify it. Addicts are accomplished mental gymnasts, going through colossal logical contortions to persuade themselves that it was really okay. No one was hurt. Everyone does it.
Blame
When the addict can no longer believe his own rationalizations, he seeks a scapegoat onto whom he can project his problems. He looks for someone to blame for the dreadful feelings that always resurface when the euphoria of gratification wears off. He will blame his parents, spouse, society, even God for making him what he is. He will blame almost anyone rather than accept personal responsibility for his actions.
Shame
As the addict finds it increasingly difficult to project onto others what he has done, guilt and shame set in and eat away at his soul. He feels bad, less for what he has done than for what he has become. He sees himself as occupying the bottom rung of society.
Despair
Eventually the addict reaches a point where the pain is greater after acting out than it was before. He feels hopeless to change. At this point he may turn to alcohol or drugs, or he may augment his sexual addiction with any of a dozen other compulsions, all in a desperate attempt to make the pain go away. Suicide becomes a distinct possibility.
Promises
The addict tells himself and others that it will never happen again. He will never go to that place again. He will never see that person again. But his promises serve only to refocus his obsessive thinking and trigger the addictive process yet again.
The sex addict is on a collision course with family and personal disintegration. In his wake lies a trail of ruined relationships, where lust supplanted love in the drive for sexual gratification on demand. The addict's victims feel needed�for a time. Then they simply feel used. Often it will be their response to the addict's treatment of them that helps determine whether he will awaken to his problem and seek help before it is too late.
ORIGINS OF SEXUAL ADDICTION
With remarkable consistency, sex addiction finds its origins at the foot of a mountain of childhood abandonment, abuse and family dysfunction. In many cases sexual abuse launches the addict into a career of abusing others. Some studies estimate that as many as 80 percent of sex addicts may have been sexually abused in childhood. Often the victim grows up to be the victimizer, practicing the behaviors he learned from a parent or other significant adult figure. Intimacy is usually the core issue for the sex addict. It has to do with being able to give oneself to another without reservation and being able to receive another's gift of self with freedom and openness. Intimacy may be undermined by fear of failure in the relationship, a fear that may be based on a long history of failures. It may be based on fear of rejection, or of not measuring up to others' expectations�again, perhaps based on an agonizing experience. Difficulty with intimacy can spring from many sources, but the most common is a deprived or abusive childhood. If the individual does not bring to the surface and deal with those root causes, his hope of getting free from addiction is greatly limited. Problems with intimacy are usually coupled with self-obsession, usually in the realms of guilt and shame, fear or anger. I might feel guilty about things I have done, or about things that have been done to me. If I was molested and cannot forgive the molester, I will continue to carry a sense of guilt and shame over what happened, even though I a victim. If I have not come to grips with what happened and why, the fear of a recurrence will cloud my relationships, making it impossible for me to freely give myself to another person. Such fear is but a form of self-obsession. If I am focused on trusting God and serving others, I need not fear the outcome. If I can forgive those who have harmed me, I need no longer be bound by the hurt they caused me. Of course, not all sex addicts were abused as children. And not all abused children grow up to be sex addicts. There are other factors that go into producing sex addiction. Those with poor coping mechanisms will often use sex as a means to reduce stress. They may become periodic abusers, resorting to sex only when the pressures of life are at their worst. The greater the stress and more frequently the stressors surface may speed up the path of compulsive behavior and addiction. When an adult who was sexually abused as a child faces what seems to be insurmountable pressure, sex is often the quickest source of relief. Under stress, they begin to play out the script that was written for them in childhood, a script they thought they would be able to avoid in adult life. Sometimes sexual addiction develops later in life without the seeds of abuse from childhood. The person eases into the addiction casually through a process of conditioning. One case of this occurred when a man from a solid background moved in with a college roommate who subscribed to Penthouse magazine. He became fascinated with it, looked forward to its arrival each month and began to masturbate while looking at the pictures. This led him to phone sex and a $500 phone bill in one month. After he was married, his wife caught him masturbating while on the phone. Much counseling was required to keep the marriage together. Society conditions us toward active sex. The media have helped make the unusual appear to be the norm. Multiple sex partners, repeated affairs, sex on every first date�these things do not shock the regular viewer of prime-time television. Many who grow up with this influence will be predisposed to sex addiction even without a history of early childhood abuse or family dysfunction.
False beliefs are also at the root of most sexual addictions. When sex addicts open up and honestly express their feelings, they say strikingly similar things: "I didn't think I'd ever find someone who would love me." "I felt unworthy of love or respect." "I was always convinced I was inadequate." "The only way I know how to relate to someone is sexually."
These false beliefs about self and about the nature of relationships obviously fuel the addictive process. All of us make choices daily about the kind of lives we are going to lead and the kind of people we are going to be. Those choices are based on our core beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. If that foundation is faulty, our choices will be faulty, too. The catch is that poor choices reinforce the false beliefs, which in turn prompt more poor choices and so on. Still other factors lead into the development of sexual addiction. They range from low self-esteem, a rigid upbringing, controlling parents, inability to relate to the opposite sex and difficulty with emotional expression. Not the least of these additional factors is our propensity to do wrong instead of right�what the Bible calls our sin nature. Even if harmful circumstances are helping shape our choices, they are still our choices, and the path to recovery always involves learning how to take responsibility for those choices. But our freedom to make healthy choices is enhanced by our understanding more clearly the factors that influence us, and taking steps to disarm or counteract them.

WHEN WOMEN MARRY SEX ADDICTS
When they think back, most partners of sex addicts can remember numerous instances that should have been red flags. They may, for example, have come across unusual belongings or possessions: pornography, articles of women's clothing, receipts, perfumes or other gift items, sexual paraphernalia. When confronted with these items, the addict explains them away with some seemingly plausible rationalization. He may even try to persuade his wife that the real problem is her overreaction to something harmless.
Along with the hard evidence may come less tangible indicators: unexplained absences and late hours, inconsistencies regarding where he was and for how long. Typically, the addicted partner will try to cover for these blunders with extra attention, gifts, flattery and so on. He may even admit to minor indiscretions, trying to create the impression of an open honest relationship�while in fact covering up more serious breaches. Those living in a close relationship with someone addicted to sex are almost always surrounded by signs of a secret double life. But their denial prevents them from seeing what is plainly before their eyes. Going back farther, before the marriage even started, it may become clear that the individual was hiding something from the outset of the relationship. There may be signs that the relationship itself was part of the addict's attempts to cope with his problem. He may have hoped that a stable relationship would provide a cure he needed. This is almost always a vain hope. There are more serious forms of marital dysfunction that can occur when one of the partners is addicted to sex. One of these occurs when the addicted husband attempts to act out his addiction with his spouse, pressuring her to be sexual in ways that make her uncomfortable. When she finally refuses to compromise her values, or even comes to resent and avoid sex altogether, the husband uses this as a pretext to justify seeking gratification in other places. He tells himself he cannot help it. His needs are not being met at home, and he must look elsewhere�all the time conveniently overlooking the fact that it was his own manipulative behavior that created the situation. There may be no lonelier group of people than the spouses of sex addicts. Usually these women either know or suspect that their husbands are involved in behavior they can neither stomach nor comprehend. What makes it worse is that there seems to be no one they can talk to. Most cities have dozens of support groups for spouses of alcoholics or drug addicts, and the stigma attached to attending such groups has greatly diminished in recent years.
Not so with sex addiction. The only person who feels greater shame than the sex addict himself is often the addict's wife. The very nature of the problem seems to implicate her as a contributing factor: Surely if she were woman enough, her man would not need to have his needs met elsewhere. This line of thinking is a cruel lie, but it places innumerable women under a tremendous burden of guilt and prevents them from seeking the counsel and support they so badly need. Some Words of Advice to Wives of Sex Addicts
Take to heart the first lesson you learned in your high school health class: In terms of sexual response, men and women are very different creatures. For women, sex is intimately interwoven with intimacy, tenderness, stability, and commitment in a relationship. It is, indeed, the ultimate expression of these things. To be sure, women do experience sexual desire and gratification at the physiological level. But it is seldom divorced from these more relational and spiritual aspects. In men, this distinction is far more common. To be sure, men can and do experience a craving for intimacy and commitment; they can and do view sex as an expression of these things. But male sexual response can also be readily detached from other considerations and become a psychological and physiological drive in and of itself. Sense stimuli that leave women relatively unaffected�erotic pictures, to take an obvious example�can have a powerful and immediate effect on men. This is neither good nor bad in itself. But it is a significant difference that women need to understand and accept even if they cannot fully identify with it.
Love and Lust
The other thing to keep in mind is that sexual addiction is about lust, not love. Love is personal; lust is impersonal. Love is concrete, focused on a particular object; lust is unfocused, capable of fixing on almost any available object. Love tends toward faithfulness; lust is a wanderer. Love seeks stability; lust is short-lived and mercurial. Love is an affair of the mind and heart; lust is an affair of the emotions and the hormones. Love is a matter of giving; lust is a matter of taking. Both men and women are capable of love and lust. But men seem far more prone to experiencing lust than women, and to experiencing it more intensely and more uncontrollably. This explains why the majority of sex addicts are men: Sex addiction is a lust addiction. Lust is the fuel that runs the engines of addiction.
This in turn explains why men often see no contradiction between loving their wives on the one hand, and lusting after pictures of nude women, or even prostitutes, on the other. They experience the two as separate and distinct experiences; neither seems to interfere with the other. Thus love and sex, which are inseparable for women, can seem to occupy two entirely separate niches of the male psyche.

Why Being 'Woman Enough' Isn't the Answer
Understanding the way men detach lust from love helps free a wife from the most agonizing prison of all: the false belief that her husband's sex addiction is somehow her fault, that if she were only thinner, or prettier, or more glamorous, or more responsive or more wanton in bed, her husband's need for sex would be satisfied. Many wives live under a crushing burden of guilt, believing that it is their inadequacy as women, wives or lovers that has made their husbands sexually compulsive. For many men, and especially for male sex addicts, love and lust are like two different appetites, satisfied in two different ways. Many wives believe that if they treat their husbands better, or have intercourse with them more regularly, the husband's addictive drives will be satisfied. This is like expecting an alcoholic to be satisfied by drinking more water. The alcoholic's problem is not thirst, and is not solved by merely drinking liquid. Rather, it is only alcohol that both fuels and satisfies the compulsion.   In the same way, it is not merely sex but lust that fuels the addictive behavior. The male sex addict can enjoy a wonderfully tender sexual experience with his wife and be on the prowl for lustful encounters the same day. The message to wives is simple: You are not the cause of your husband's addiction, and you cannot be the cure. The problem is in him, and it is there that the battle must be fought and won. Battling this problem is not easy. You need to take care of yourself, and seek out a Christian counselor who can be supportive. Learn all you can about the problem. This will help avoid personalizing his problem onto you. Seek out a support group that can meet some personal needs as you struggle through this dilemma. Additionally, love him as toughly as he needs to be loved. Do not enable his addiction to progress and victimize more people. Be willing to do whatever it takes to help him see what he is doing and his need to stop the cycle and start recovery.

Finally, read the following list of dont's and adhere to them as much as possible:
? Don't ignore the signs of your husband's double life.
? Don't accede to your husband's unhealthy sexual demands.
? Don't tolerate abusive behavior toward yourself or your children.
? Don't place yourself at risk for serious disease.
? Don't cover up for your husband's behavior by lying or making excuses for him to bosses, co-workers, friends and family.

WOMEN AND THE ADDICTIONS OF LUST
While women may not understand the attraction to pornography or the other variations of male sexual addiction, they may still be involved with some lustful addictions. They may experience arousal from romance novels, soap operas or other material that assists them in living in a fantasy world their husbands could never live up to.   Women can also involve others people in lustful compulsions. There seem to be two categories of compulsive relationships for women. One involves romance and the addiction to attraction. This involves luring others into a fantasy world with no intention of making a commitment. The excitement comes from attracting the other person and being pursued.   The other involves relationships and the addiction to attachment. Here, the goal is to be able to make a commitment as soon as possible. Each new person is considered to be the one for a lifetime. Once the attachment is made, dissatisfaction sets in quickly. The lust fades and the reality sets in that the woman has likely latched onto another unhealthy person. Both romance and relationship addicts want to be close to someone, but they tend to seek after people with whom closeness is almost impossible. They seek security, but find people that will leave quickly. Both want to be free to love but like the sex addict, they are trapped in their self-destructive obsessions. They are like people drowning in the whirlpool of their own unresolved emotions, turning to a rescuer that cannot swim. In both cases the real obsession is not with the other people; it is actually with yourself. The romance or relationship addict is totally focused on her own broken soul, with the hurts caused by all those who have abandoned her in the past. Only one thing matters: to feel better now. Only one thing is sought: immediate relief from pain. Whether it is romance, relationships or sex, all three occur in hurting people�people who need to change. They are people who need to begin the recovery process, which is available to anyone willing to suffer delayed gratification and the painful process of change.

RECOVERY AND THE RETURN TO INTIMACY
Whether a person is hooked on romance, relationships or sex, the person must come to grips with the issue of intimacy if he or she is to recover. If recovery does not include coming to a point where genuine intimacy is possible, that recovery will be incomplete and short-lived. When genuine intimacy is achieved and maintained, the engine that drives all of the people addictions of romance, relationships or sex runs out of gas.
One of the main obstacles to achieving intimacy is the array of false concepts of intimacy presented by our culture. In the eyes of the world, intimacy equals closeness, which almost always includes being sexually close. The more intimate two people are, the more sexual they will be; conversely, the more sexual two people are, the more intimate they are assumed to be.   According to biblical standards, genuine intimacy certainly involves being sexual within marriage, and requires a high degree of transparency and vulnerability. But these are by-products of intimacy, not the thing itself. Much sexuality is oriented to self-gratification. And even openness and vulnerability can be forms of emotional exhibitionism that serve selfish needs rather than contribute to true intimacy. But authentic biblical intimacy has nothing to do with self and everything to do with the other person. The focus is taken off my desires, my needs, my hurts and placed on the other person's desires, needs and hurts. The joy of intimacy is not receiving but giving, not being served but serving. It is utterly different from co-dependency, in which I serve another to gratify my selfish motives. It is serving another purely for that person's sake.
Obviously, authentic intimacy involves giving of self in a way, and to a degree, that weakness can be shared without concern for the consequences. You become open about who you really are, rather than try to present an image. You also accept the other person for who he really is, not on the basis of an idealized image or for the sake of meeting your own needs. Ironically, this disinterested focus on others ends up yielding great rewards. We are able to experience appreciation, acceptance and love on the basis of reality rather than on the basis of pretense.

Steps Toward Intimacy and Recovery
If a sex addict is ever going to achieve this level of intimacy, they must initiate the recovery process. No one can do this for them, yet they cannot do it alone. A combination of resources is required to overcome this problem. The church must be supportive. The addict must find a place where healing the soul is more important than shaming people. This addiction does some very severe spiritual damage. Without sound Biblical teaching and counsel, the entire recovery process will be off-balance.
Any sex addict I have known has also had to do something that in the beginning they find quite repulsive. They must commit to a long-term involvement with other addicts in a recovery group. In this group they will find confrontation as well as encouragement. They will learn how to be authentic with fellow strugglers, and that authenticity will then be transferable to other relationships. Probably the most important factor in long-term recovery is accountability. It is the lack of accountability that allows the problem to develop and the lack of accountability that will lead the addict back into the problem.
Probably the most important factor in long-term recovery is accountability. It is the lack of accountability that allows the problem to develop and the lack of accountability that will lead the addict back into the problem. Not only should the recovering sex addict be accountable to the group, but he should find one person in particular, a sponsor, that will hold him individually accountable. This means that on a regular basis the addict will be asked about where he has been going and how he has been spending his time.   After accountability, the word protection is next in importance. Every addict must have a protection plan that keeps him out of bookstores, away from the magazine racks, away from chat rooms and pornographic Web sites and out of the arms of prostitutes and affairs. The plan must address all areas of the person, including physical, mental, social and spiritual. A protection plan includes helpful reading material, listening to tapes, Bible study and prayer and even when and how a person will have fun. The lure of lust is powerful, and to avoid its snare the addict must be wise in protecting every area possible. Finally, every sex addict needs to be aware that there are treatment centers, Christ-centered treatment centers, throughout North America that can assist with this problem. This booklet, along with the best intentions, will not fix the problem. These problems are formed on a foundation of some deep psychological and spiritual wounds. Professional help is needed in resolving these deep hurts. Without it, many will only survive and never truly enter into the recovery process.

A FINAL WORD
Sexual addiction is a shame factory. Anyone associated with it is most likely saturated with guilt and shame. They feel alienated from God and very unworthy. Although you may not believe it, God loves you unconditionally. He wants you back. He wants to be part of the recovery and healing process. His grace is big enough to handle your problem. His forgiveness is real.
The Bible is full of verses that assure us that no matter how far we have drifted from the life God intended for us to live, His forgiveness is available. The following passage is one of the greatest illustrations of God's willingness for us to experience the joy of His forgiveness. Please read slowly so you can fully comprehend God's love and forgiveness for you:

The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Psalm 103:8-12

The distance between east and west is a description of infinity. God's message to us is that once He has forgiven our sins He removes them from us and never forces us to face them again. That is an act of divine love from our Creator that allows us to begin again.
The problem is not in God forgiving us; the problem is in our forgiving ourselves and each other. With God's help, this too can occur and allow us to repair broken hearts and relationships.   I am reminded of a man who came to us for help. He had been involved in numerous affairs and had a daily struggle with pornography. He wanted treatment because he could no longer live with the guilt, shame and remorse. Through the realization of biblical truth, hard work on his problems with intimacy, and a desire to restore his marriage, he made a solid start on his recovery. His biggest fear was that when he told his wife of his problem, she would reject him. Finally he made his confession to her. She was hurt, but more than anything she was relieved. For some time she had known there was a problem in the relationship, but she did not know what it was or how to deal with it. Now, confronted with a husband who wanted to change, she felt there was hope for their marriage. She did the thing that is most difficult for wives of sex addicts: She forgave him. Not only did she forgive him, she also committed to working through her own problems with intimacy that had allowed him to struggle for so long without her intervention.   Together, with God's help and the freedom provided through complete forgiveness, they have made a new start and stand as wonderful examples of what God can do when His principles are placed before all other issues. They are among thousands who have watched their lives be transformed; body, soul and spirit. The wandering soul of a sex addict is torn between lust and a desire to change. It is a daily battle. God, through His Son, wants to help you win that battle. He is on your side and with Him you can win. Don't wait to make the changes you need to make. Reach out to someone and ask for help so that you can begin again and find the life you want to live, the life that God has always had planned for you. There is a new world waiting for you to experience, full of hope and fulfillment. No one can find that world for you�you must take the first step. I pray you will do that today.

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Question?

If this were a "Woman's" addiction, in the Majority... I wonder if husbands would say, "Get out!" or would they forgive? Who... wants ot understand the Human condition or the War Within?