There Are No More Angels

 

          “Hey”

          Don’t wake me up. Don’t wake me up. Don’t want to wake up.

          “C’mon it’s time to go”

          Go where? Back to hell? Sheesh.

          “You can’t sleep forever”

          I bloody well CAN.

          “The teachers will see you”

          Ask me if I care. Better yet, DON’T.

          My eyes snap awake. I never wake up gently. I never live gently. Not anymore. I’m tired with the hypocrisy of gently.

          I walk to class.

          These are the last few days of school. I prefer to live them gregariously.

          I’m tired of handling everything and everyone with kid gloves.

          Damn gentle to hell.

          God, do me a favor and don’t let any fragile creature come near me today. Or any day for the rest of my freaking existence.  I’ve broken enough hearts dontcha think?

          You know how much I hate myself. I’m just making sure I won’t make a clone of what I am.

          A freakish painful existence.

          A plastic mask.

          The plastic mask has cracks, I know.

          Never mind that God, there’s a brick wall behind it. No problem.

          “You’ve been like a steel wall to me”

          Oh, scratch that. Steel wall God, steel.

          “Ring around the rosie

          A pocket full of posies

          Ashes, ashes”

          I’m still falling.

          You know God? Once I get outta here, You know, once I get to Australia, I’m going to change. This wallflower, pathetic little nerdy geek image of me is sickening. Dontcha think?

          I’m tired of having been walked all over and being stoic about it.

          I’m going to be a little better.

          I used to tell people that they have a ‘Melt the Ice man Complex’

          Well guess what world?

          Now, I’M going to be the ice man.

          Ice lady. Whatever.

          Going back, don’t forget that favor I was asking okay, don’t send anyone breakable. I mean, I’m really hard to live with anyway. Imagine if I go around and break another person that would be extremely stupid…

          “I love you”

          Yeah? And?

          *sound of broken glass*

          Aw crap.

          Really God. That was a real sick joke.

          You know what?

          (…Aw no, she’s prolly crying now, how the hell am I supposed to comfort her? ‘hey it’s okay honey, you love me, but I’m not sure if I love you COMPLETELY back. I mean, not like I lovelove you but…’ great great great. Smooth very smooth you fool…)

          Haven’t You wondered why the angels up there are starting to diminish?

          (…knowing her she’ll just clam up and never tell me she cries. Her pride is just as immovable as mine. But I mean, what AM I going to TELL her? There’s nothing I know. Crap crap crap. Words are a source of understanding. It’s not my fault I tamed her…)

          Well, if You took a roll call right now, You’ll figure out that there are several missing.

          (…or is it that she tamed me? Which is which? Which is worse? And HOW the hell did that happen? Am I that blind? Or stupid? Or insane? This has got to be a bad dream. Wake up wake up…)

          You know why?

          (…wake up wake up…)

          Well, I broke them.

          (…wakeupwakeup…)

          You sent them to me and I broke them.

          (…wakeupwakeup…)

          They’re in tiny little pieces strewn on Eden’s floor

          (…WAKE UP DAMMIT!)

          My eyes snap awake. I never wake up gently. I never live gently. Not anymore. I’m tired with the hypocrisy of gently.