The room is dark and it takes a few seconds for his eyes to adjust, picking out a small form sitting on the floor, her back pressed up against the wall. The light from the hall casts an eerie glow around her, making her look almost ethereal in the shadows.
Her head is positioned so it would seem that she's staring at the ceiling, but her eyes are closed. And although her lips seem to barely move, they form around each word and sound with perfect clarity. She's singing. The headphones she has over her ears keep her from hearing him approach, but Justin figures that she wouldn't have heard him anyway.
Suddenly, her voice dips low, rasping softly, and Justin feels his breath hitch in his throat. Her whole demeanor, the voice, the closed eyes.... her hands, grasping at the material of her jeans before reaching up, as if to touch something that only she can see, emulate a sadness that has his eyes growing moist in spite of himself.
He's frozen now, unable to move or even blink. He knows that she has no idea that he's watching her, but there's no way he's going to interrupt. He couldn't if he tried. He'd never heard anything that wrenched emotion from him the way she was doing now. It was as if he was a tattered and torn lover, desperate for just one thing to hold on to...one word, to give him the strength to go on.
This woman didn't just sing the song.... she lived it. She breathed it. The only person he'd ever seen like that was JC, but it still didn't quite match what she had. It seemed like the song was a part of her and singing it was like exposing that part, raw and hurting, to the world. It wasn't the world that got to see her though. It was just him.
When the song faded away, taking her voice with it, Justin's gaze was glued to her face. She let her head fall forward for a few seconds, like she was.... clothing that piece of her that had been so undeniably naked just a minute ago. She took a few steadying breaths and her eyes blinked open. When she saw him, she didn't freak out or blush or even turn away. She returned his stare, her brown eyes delving into his blue ones.
Slowly, she took the headphones of and set the cd player aside. She went to stand and automatically, Justin reached out to help her. Her hand was warm and soft and so very small that Justin's hand completely covered hers. Standing, she was still small, just barely coming midway up Justin's chest. She tipped her head back and looked up at him.
"I hope I didn't bother you," she said. Her voice was quiet, almost a whisper and Justin was again entranced. Her straight blond hair just grazed her shoulders and when she dropped her gaze again, it fell forward, covering her eyes. Without thinking, Justin reached a hand up and tucked her hair back, blushing at her startled look.
"That was amazing," he said, softly, "I've never heard anything like it."
"I don't usually sing in front of people."
"Why not?" Justin's eyes widened and she smiled, shaking her head. He looked so earnest; unable to comprehend why someone wouldn't want the fame and money that her voice could bring. She turned and walked further into the room, beckoning him to follow. They sat at a small table by the window and she snapped on the small light, making them both blink.
Justin watched her curiously. She hadn't answered his question and he wanted to know why someone who could evoke that kind of emotion in a song wasn't out there, selling records. She picked up a picture off the table and handed it to him, watching his face for a reaction. When it came, she started to explain.
"I did try.... once. I went through the motions...promoting and interviews...photo shoots. I even went so far as to record enough for an album." Justin's attention was still centered on the picture he held in his hands. It was fairly new, but worn around the edges. It had been handled quite a bit and he gripped it lightly between the tips of his fingers, not wanting to smudge or bend it. It was a picture of the woman in front of him. Yet.... it wasn't.
The woman in the picture had the same far-away look in her eyes. The same basic features. But the woman in the picture was fake. Her smile was forced, not even coming close to crinkling the corners of her eyes. The look was pained, as if she'd been slapped. The makeup was too heavy, the hair too perfect.... it wasn't her.
"I didn't like the person that I was becoming. It wasn't me and they wouldn't let me be me, no matter how much I argued. So.... I left. I took my bag, the money I had one me and just...left. I don't want that life, Justin." His head snapped up when she whispered his name. She sounded so.... heartbroken. He had everything his heart desired, he couldn't understand why she didn't want that, until he looked at her again.
Her eyes searched his and he could see that the woman in the picture couldn't even compare to the one standing here in front of him. She had an air about her that pictures couldn't capture. Something you couldn't quite put your finger on, but you knew it was there.
"So, you know who I am."
"Who doesn't?" She smiled at him. It was just a slight pull at her lips, but it was real. He had the decency to blush and he shrugged his shoulders. "Let me ask you something."
"Okay.... shoot."
"Are you happy?" Justin opened his mouth, but she held up her hand, halting his words. " And before you answer, I want you to really think about this. Think about your life, everything you've gained, but also, everything you've given up. Think about your family and your friends. Think about what could have happened had you not dropped everything and went for the career you did. Think about the fact that you are not now and never will be normal again. Then tell me, Justin, are you happy?"
Justin stared at her, not knowing what to say. He sometimes pictured what it would be like if he'd never joined NSYNC or become the pop icon he was. Would he have been happier? He didn't really know and since he couldn't go back and change it, it just wasn't really worth thinking about. Justin frowned and chose his words very carefully.
"I am happy. I know what I have and what I don't, but all in all, I'm happy. I know that people have different hope and dreams. I chose my path years ago, knowing where it would take me. There are times, yes, when I've been unhappy with it all. Honestly though, I wouldn't trade it. It's who I am now.... it�s a part of me. Maybe it always has been, but I would be miserable if this wasn't what I was doing."
The woman looked at him, her head cocking slightly to the left. She seemed to consider his answer for a moment before nodding. "I'm happy for you then. It's something I can never be. It took too much from me...more than I was willing to give."
Justin watched as she reached out and took his hand, clasping it between her smaller ones. When his eyes met hers again, he was stunned to find her eyes glazed over with unshed tears. Her voice was raspy and low when she spoke again. "Just promise me something."
Justin nodded. He'd promise her anything to see the smile come back. She looked down at his hand, hers tightening around it. Her eyes closed and she took a deep, shallow breath, letting it out slowly. She opened her eyes again and a tear left a glistening trail down her cheek. Justin raised his free hand and ran his fingertip over the damp path, catching the single tear on his fingertip.
"Promise me." Her voice cracked and she cleared her throat, continuing softly, "Promise me that you'll always strive for happiness. No matter what. If it means giving up everything.... money, fame, even music. Being happy is something that people take for granted, but as long as you take a step back now and then and ask yourself if you're really and truly happy.... you�ll be able to answer that."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Are you happy?"
The woman smiled at him, a sad and knowing smile that someone so young shouldn't be able to wear. She brought the hand she was still holding to her mouth and pressed a kiss to the back of it before letting it go. "No, Justin, I'm not."
"How come?"
"I've led a life that is very different from yours. Sure I was happy for a little while, all the glamour and glitz, but I realized that it's just a cover. It's a shiny piece of foil that covers a tarnished coin. It hides whoever that person really is and transforms them into whoever the fame wants them to be. I got tired of hiding. I wanted the fame to want me and not the image of me that they thought would sell the best." She looked around the room, like she was searching for something. Her gaze eventually settled back on Justin and she continued.
"I had to give up being a singer, but I never have to give up singing. That's something they can't take away from me. You're different though. You were made for this life. I can see that. You'll always be happy.... just the way you are."
"Yeah," he smiled. �I probably will."
They stood there for a few moments in silence. It was a comfortable one, though Justin couldn't stem the thoughts that were racing through his mind. He knew he had to go, he was already late, but he wanted to stay.
Seeing his indecision, the woman took Justin's hand again, this time pulling him into a tight hug. Her small frame fit snugly against his and he breathed in the scent of vanilla. It was over too soon, although Justin felt like he'd held her for hours. They were silent as they walked toward the door. When he stepped out into the hallway again, he turned back to her.
"I wish I could stay."
"I know." The sad smile on her face tore at him.
"You won't be here when I get back will you?"
"No."
"Will you tell me your name?" He was grasping at anything he could that would keep him here, even for a few minutes longer. She laughed and the sound was dry and brittle.
"Star."
"What?"
"Ironic, isn't it? My parents named me Star and that's the one thing I don't want to be." Justin smiled at her and she returned it. It was ironic. She glanced down the hallway and he took the hint, nodding. He walked a few steps and turned back.
"Star?"
"Yeah." She peered around the doorway, her expression blank now.
"I think you're perfect.... just the way you are. I also think that you'll be happy.... in fact, I know it."
She didn't say a word, but the flash of teeth and crinkles at the corners of her eyes told Justin that he'd been right to say that. As he turned away again and loped quickly down to the elevators, he smiled to himself, knowing that every time he caught the faint scent of vanilla, he'd think of the Star that didn't want to be.