That's been my mantra for years now. Through everything and everyone, I've smiled. It helps some, but it never hides my pain completely. It was her I smiled for. Always her...and I'm gonna keep on smiling just for her benefit, even though I feel like I'm dying inside. She always said she loved my smile.
Watching her walk down the aisle the first time nearly killed me. She looked so happy that I didn't have the heart to do anything but look like I was happy for her. I wasn't though. I knew what would happen. Wished it wouldn't. Hoped it couldn't. But it did. The bastard cheated on her and she came to me, like always.
I've always been there for her. No matter what's happened in our lives, I've always been there. Not as the psychologist that I become five days a week when I walk into that office on the first floor of the clinic on Main Street. No, I'm there for her as a friend. Always a friend. It doesn't matter that I want more. That I would worship the ground she walked on. She doesn't want our relationship to go there.
I asked her why once. She told me that she needed me for something else. She needed me to be her rock, her friend. Not her lover. So, here I am, being her friend and smiling my way through life. If I were my patient, I'd tell myself that it's an unhealthy relationship. That I should end it. But, I'm not....and there is only one thing that keeps me going.
I love her.
The second time she married, I felt a little bit happier for her. Not much though. I actually liked the guy and he treated her the way I would have. It didn't last though. When she called me in the middle of the night and asked me to pick her up, I went. No questions. I just went to her.
The son-of-a-bitch had hit her. He'd actually had the gall to mar her beautiful face and body with bruises and cuts. I wanted to go after him, but she talked me out of it. I stayed with her while she filed a report with the police. I stayed with her when she woke up with nightmares while she healed. I stayed with her when she began dating again, cautiously. And I stayed, diligently, until she got her smile back.
That's all I cared about. Her smile. It's such a beautiful one that transforms her whole face. No matter how stormy I felt inside, when she smiled.....that was all it took to make it better. Of course, everything about her was beautiful, but her smile was what I loved the most. In fact, that was what she told me had drawn her to me. My smile. So, if it bring back that light in her darkened world.
I'm gonna smile.
I sit and watch her now....as she sleeps. My heart is broken and the darkness that once filled her life has taken over mine. She doesn't see that I never go out. She doesn't see that I've never married because no one can ever compare to her. She doesn't see that I'll never stop loving her.
She wakes slowly, stretching like a cat, lazing in the warmth of the sun reaching through a window in the afternoon. Before her eyes opened enough to focus on my face, I grinned, stretching my lips into something that passed for happiness. Her still sleepy gaze fell on me and she slowly turned her lips up, a tiny flash of even white teeth, breaking through.
People may think I'm crazy. I might be. To see that look on her face though, and to know I put it there. That's more important to me than anything. I leaned down and kissed her forehead, telling her I've got breakfast waiting on her. Her smile brightened even more and mine became real. Taking one last look at her, I leave her to get up and ready for the new day. I may cry when she leaves again, but for now.....for her....
I'm gonna smile.