ustin sat on the hard chair in the waiting area and crossed his arms over his chest. Joey and Chris were talking quietly in the corner. It wasn't like them to be so serious, but this wasn't what you would call a "normal" time. Justin just stared at the floor, the dull gray tiles fitting his mood.
He didn't look up when Lance slipped an arm around his shoulder. He didn't even look up when Lance begged him again to go. Justin knew that Lance didn't understand what he was going through. No one could.
"Ya know," Lance said, his voice quiet, "You're gonna regret it if you don't. What if you don't get this chance again? Just....think about it."
Justin continued his silence. How could he possibly explain what he himself did not understand? Lance eventually got up and joined Joey and Chris as they went to get some coffee. Still...Justin sat.
The thoughts parading around in his head gave him no relief. No matter what, he couldn't quit thinking about what was behind that door. About what he would have to come to terms with. About what he was going to do when it was over. He knew as soon as he walked through that door, he wouldn't leave until it was over and that scared the shit out of him. As he let out a long shuddering breath, Justin rose from the chair and stared at the door on the left of him. He knew what he had to do.
He only opened the door a crack, but it was enough. In the dimly lit room his searching gaze immediately fell upon the still form lying on the bed. Justin opened the door wider and slipped through, shutting it softly behind him. For a few minutes he just stood there, not sure what to do. When JC's head lifted slightly off the pillow and he saw the pain-filled smile, Justin broke.
The bone cancer had taken him, swiftly and silently. No one knew, not even JC, until it was too late. Collapsing from what everyone thought was exhaustion at a show, they'd rushed him to the hospital, but the blood tests had told them a different story. It had told them that their best friend and brother was riddled with cancer. It had told them that he would never perform again. And it had told Justin that he was going to lose the one person that he had ever trusted himself to love.
"Justin."
JC's voice was hoarse, but that didn't hide the pleasure in it. Neither did the smile slipping across his pale features. Justin pulled a chair up beside the bed and sat.
"Jayce...I...." Justin couldn't look him in the eye. Couldn't face it just yet. JC's hand covered his and Justin studied it. The long graceful fingers that had flown effortlessly over piano keys, always finding the right notes. The little scar that he'd gotten when they'd been wrestling and his hand had accidentally hit a mirror and one of the shards had cut him. JC squeezed his hand and Justin closed his eyes.
"Justin, I'm.... glad you're...here."
Justin looked up into his eyes. Eyes that had once been as bright as a clear summer day. They were dulled now...from the drugs, the pain. Justin tried to take in a breath, but it hurt. His chest constricted and he nearly choked on the sob that was trying to force its way out.
He felt JC's hand squeeze his again and Justin pulled himself together. He had to be strong. He could break down later. He didn't want to miss his last chance at being with JC.... at loving him. JC's sharp intake of breath made Justin raise his head quickly. It was getting worse. Justin wanted to call for for a nurse, but JC told him it was okay. It had passed.
"I'm...so...tired, Jus."
"Then sleep."
"Will...will you...be here..."
"Sleep, Jayce, I'm not going anywhere."
And he wouldn't. Not now. JC closed his eyes and his breathing deepened. Justin watched him as he slept.
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you�re far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure.
So many times Justin had watched him sleep. So many times. Justin watched as JC took each shuddering breath. The tension in his face had eased some and Justin hoped that JC's dreams would be able to release him from his torment, if only for a little while. He leaned forward and crossed his arms on the bed. And then Justin lay his head down and wept.
Don�t wanna close my eyes
Don�t wanna fall asleep
Cause I�d miss you baby
And I don�t wanna miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I�d still miss you baby
And I don�t wanna miss a thing.
Justin awoke to find JC's hand moving in slow circles over his shoulder. He blinked his eyes, focusing on JC's face.
Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
And I�m wondering what you�re dreaming
Wondering if it�s me you�re seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we�re together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever.
"You've been...crying."
Justin just shrugged, not wanting to make a big deal out of it. JC brushed a finger down his cheek and frowned.
"I hate...to see...you cry."
Tears welled up in Justin's eyes again and he blinked them back, swallowing hard. He cleared his throat and looked up.
"Jayce, there's something I need to tell you."
"You...don't..."
"Yes, Jayce, it's important. I have to let you know."
JC's hand trembled as it cupped Justin's cheek.
"I already...know..." Justin just looked at him. He'd never told anyone how he felt. How could he know? "...and...I love you too."
~**~
Justin glanced over at JC and watched until he was sure that his friend's chest was still moving. He was still reeling from JC's confession. Why had he waited so long? Why hadn't he spoken before now? Justin was confused now. He didn't know if knowing this made him happier or if it just made it more difficult for him to let go. He sighed and walked back over to the bed, taking a seat again.
Through the evening people had come to see JC; his family, friends and their brothers. Joey, Lance and Chris tried to keep the atmosphere light. They joked and recalled silly stories of mishaps and pranks and for the most part JC had laughed with them.
I don�t wanna miss one smile
I don�t wanna miss one kiss
I just wanna be with you
Right here with you just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart right next to mine
And stay here in this moment for all the rest of time.
But Justin could see that JC was fading. His smiles weren't as big. His laughter wasn't as full.
After they'd left, JC had fallen asleep and Justin had stayed behind. He couldn't bring himself to leave JC. So here he sat, watching him die before his eyes. It didn't matter that he was tired...or scared...or lonely. It was all he could do. So he stayed and he waited.
"Jus..."
JC's soft voice interrupted Justin's thoughts and he leaned forward, searching JC's face. Their eyes met and Justin could see that this would be the last time. Knowing what would comfort JC, he gave a slight nod and rose. Looking at JC now, he didn't see the gaunt paleness. He saw him healthy and vibrant. He saw JC as he should have been.
Don�t wanna close my eyes
Don�t wanna fall asleep
Cause I�d miss you baby
And I don�t wanna miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I�d still miss you baby
And I don�t wanna miss a thing.
Justin leaned over the bed and raised his hand to JC's face, trailing his fingers down his cheek. JC closed his eyes, leaning into Justin's soothing touch. Slowly, Justin lowered his head and pressed his lips to JC's. JC's lips were dry but still soft and warm. The kiss said everything they couldn't and Justin wished with everything he had that it could last forever.
Suddenly, JC pulled away sharply and winced, his hands clutching at the sheets. He clenched his teeth together and Justin took his hand, trying to take some of the pain away.
"Jus...I..."
"What, Jayce,...what is it?"
"...so...scared..."
Two tears made their way down JC's face and Justin made shushing noises wanting more than anything to just make it better. He'd already pressed the button for the nurse to come and he didn't know what else to do. JC tensed again and then stilled. He opened his eyes, focusing on Justin's.
"Love...you...so...much."
JC's hand squeezed his one last time before his eyes closed again. His breathing slowed, then stopped. Justin couldn't comprehend what had happened at first.
"Jayce?" His voice cracked and he brushed a hand across JC's face, but he knew that he was gone. Tears slipped down his face as he leaned up and pressed his lips to each of JC's closed eyes. He laid JC's hand gently on the bed and turned. When he reached the door, he looked back at the man who meant everything to him.
"I love you too, Jayce."
The whispered words seemed to echo in the silence and Justin's chest tightened. Standing straight, Justin brushed the tears from his cheeks and left the room, left the best thing that had ever happened to him.