Author's Note: This story has been coded with the "yellow ball" PG-13 rating due to the presence of some profanity used in conversation by the characters.
Click here to hear "I'm Looking Through You" by The Beatles
* * *
Sam closed the lid on the toilet seat and slid back down to rest his head against the side of the tank. Tears of pain and anguish coursed in hot rivulets down his cheeks as he curled himself up into a little ball on the floor. How could he have done this!? How could he have done something so completely stupid!?
Wiping tears out of his eyes with the palm of his injured left hand, he continued to stare at the picture of Josie in his right. 'I'm going to have to tell her,' he thought to himself, although the idea frankly scared him out of his wits. Sam forced down another pang of nausea as he pictured the shock and betrayal that he knew would be on Josie's face when he told her. He couldn't even imagine how much it would hurt her. Hell, maybe he'd even lose her over this. Sam snorted at himself and shook his head, not allowing an ounce of self-pity. He certainly wouldn't blame her�he more than deserved to lose Josie after what he'd done.
Suddenly there was a knock on the bathroom door. Sam jumped at the intrusion on his misery, forgetting for the moment that Lara was still there. Then he heard her voice, all sweet and loving, calling, "Sam? Are you okay in there? What's taking you so long?"
Without even taking his eyes off Josie's face, Sam answered, tears choking his voice, "It's one of my headaches again�"
Lara's voice was filled with concern as she asked through the door, "Are you going to be all right? Do you want me to help you?"
"No, no," Sam replied, a little too quickly. "I�I'll just need a few minutes and I should be okay. Thanks."
Lara's voice regained its teasing tone, "Okay�but don't keep me waiting too long�patience is not one of my virtues, you know."
"Okay," Sam practically whispered in reply. He held his breath as he listened to Lara's footsteps fading away.
Sam stared at the picture of he and Josie and suddenly realized that the only way it could have gotten into the bathroom was if Lara had put it there, because he was sure that the last place he had seen it had been on the kitchen counter. Which meant that she had seen it�no, it meant that she knew� knew about Josie and himself. Sam felt his head start to spin again as he thought of what else that must mean. It meant that she had most likely come to Chicago knowing he was already in love with Josie. It meant that all along Lara had known about Josie and had pretended not to. But�why? Why would she do that? he wondered.
As the throbbing pain from his headache started to recede, Sam began to think about Lara�the sweet, courteous way she was acting�and when he compared it to Josie's behavior earlier, something about Lara's behavior struck him as utterly false. He had seen this sort of behavior before, he realized with a start. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more he realized he'd seen it many times before in differing forms. And usually it coincided with Lara wanting something. He was amazed at his own shortsightedness, now as well as on those other occasions.
And as Sam remembered some of those times, to his horror he realized that he had always fallen for it, for some reason he had always believed her. It amazed him how good Lara was at manipulating his emotions around to her way of thinking.
Then he realized that it wasn't necessarily that Lara was so good at manipulation, although it was becoming more and more clear to him that she was indeed a master at it. No, Sam realized, he was not blameless in what had happened today�as well as in her countless other deceptions. The truth�the awful truth that he had never wanted to admit, even to himself�was that he had given Lara the power to manipulate him because deep down inside, he wanted her to make him believe her when she said she loved him. Because under all his supposed confidence in himself and his chosen way of life, he was really a scared little boy afraid that no one would think he was loveable.
And when things had started to go wrong in his relationship with Lara, instead having enough confidence in his own self to know that it was simply that they weren't suited for each other, he held on�wanting to somehow make her love him again. And obviously, Lara had reasons for wanting to stay with him, too, although she'd never made them known to him. And so it became an unwritten code between them: she pretended that she loved him, and he pretended that he believed her.
How many times in the past had he fallen into this trap of his own making? he questioned himself. More times than he cared to admit, he realized. There had been many times that he'd been upset, angry, and discouraged about the lack of growth in their relationship, but Lara always seemed to be able to pull him back into the quagmire, and usually, this was the way she did it� She used his own insecurities as a way to bind him to her.
And with a sudden burst of insight, Sam understood why Lara was there�she was making her final stand, her final play to win him back, using the same techniques that had always worked on him in the past. And indeed, Sam realized to his chagrin, it had been working before he'd burned his hand with the coffee.
Sam sighed heavily, looking at Josie's smiling face in the picture. Meeting Josie had turned his stable, albeit dysfunctional, life upside down. Josie had been impossible to ignore from the very start. She was truly beautiful from the inside out, and she had made him feel for the first time in his life that maybe he could be beautiful like that, too. Just by being bathed in her warmth, Sam had felt himself beginning to blossom, as if he were awakening from a long sleep.
In fact, Josie brought out all kinds of emotions in him that he had never thought possible. Through her, he had finally caught a glimpse of the kind of pure love that authors and poets had written of since the dawn of time. He'd never thought that anyone could truly love him as he was, but suddenly he found that someone did. Moreover, someone actually rejoiced in who he was and had chosen him above all others. Josie accepted him, warts and all. It was that simple. And even though she was probably scared to death, she loved him with her whole heart and her whole soul�and she deserved nothing less than that from him in return. He would entrust her with his heart and soul and pray that she could find it within her to forgive him.
Sam thought of the new, fledgling path that he and Josie had been creating together: full of laughter, understanding, healing, and most of all, love. Then in his mind, he looked back at the dark, twisted forest he had just stumbled out of: full of insecurities, secrets, and deceptions�and he knew without a doubt where his future lay. His future lay in Josie Geller's eyes, in her arms, and in her heart�that was, if she would still have him after he told her about what he had done today.
But, even if she wouldn't, he promised himself he would be strong. He would never again fall prey to his own insecurities. Using Josie as his example, he would forge on ahead and face his fears head on no matter how difficult it was. He could�and would�overcome.
Sam slowly pushed to a stand, using the toilet seat to steady himself. Then he carefully crossed the room to stand before the mirror over the vanity once again. This time, he saw something new in his eyes: a spark of determination, a little bit of fight, and a lot of self-knowledge. Giving himself a little nod in the mirror for encouragement, he grabbed his bottle of mouthwash and gargled the remainder of the bad taste from his mouth. Then he bent down to pick up the pile of Lara's toiletries, stacking them haphazardly back onto the counter. Finally, he wrapped his hand up in gauze and taped the end to protect his sensitive hand. Slipping the picture of he and Josie into his front pocket, he turned, opened the bathroom door, and strode through it.
* * *
Josie rolled her eyes as she only half listened to Gus. The only thing she could think of was that Sam somehow needed her, and instead of picking up the phone and talking to him, she had to sit here and listen to Gus' ranting.
"Geller, it's already Tuesday�do you have any ideas on what you're going to write your Sunday column on? The finished draft has to be in on my desk by noon on Saturday." Gus noticed that this news failed to light any spark of recognition in Josie's eyes. "Geller�" he said a little more forcefully to gather her attention. When that didn't work, he practically yelled, "Geller!"
Josie broke from her reverie about Sam to see Gus glowering down at her. "Oh, sorry. What did you say again?"
"Geller, get your head out of the clouds, huh!? Don't you know how important this first story will be!? This will be the one that will either hook the readers for good or turn them away�so this one has got to be good! So what I want to know is�what are you going to write for your first column?"
"I�" Josie stammered, "I don't know."
"Well, you better know, and quick! Rigfort's gonna be breathing down my neck about this in about 36 hours, so you better damn well know by then because I'm gonna need something to tell him!"
Josie put up her hands in mock surrender. "All right, Gus, I get the point� I'll work on it."
Gus nodded once in silent approval. Then he said, "But first, I need you to finish this copy�" dumping a stack of pages on her desk. "The computer's down again, and you're the fastest, most accurate proofreader I've got."
Josie looked from the small mountain of stories Gus had just dumped on her desk up to his determined face. His expression told her not to question, but Josie couldn't help it. "But Gus�I thought I wasn't a copy editor anymore?"
"As far as I'm concerned, Geller� Until you crank out that first column and prove to me that you can carry your weight as a writer, you're still just a copy editor that got lucky."
Josie flinched a little at the reproach in his tone.
"Besides," he continued evenly, "We've got nobody to replace you yet, and with the computers down, there's no way the rest of the staff can get it all done by 5�"
Josie sighed. 'Gus always did have trouble asking for help,' she thought. "Okay, Gus�I'll do it." Josie shuffled through the pile, counting 12 stories, and sighed again. This pile would take her all afternoon, and if she was lucky, she might finish by 5 o'clock�if she skipped lunch.
"Fine." Gus agreed, crossing his arms across his chest. Without another word, he turned to leave. In the doorway, he turned, his voice just a touch softer, "Geller?"
Josie looked up from sorting her pile of stories. "Yes?"
"Thanks."
Josie flashed Gus a bright smile. "No problem, Gus. Glad I can help."
Gus looked uncomfortable. He fidgeted just a little before looking down as the toe of his shoe kicked at a snag in the industrial carpeting. "Yeah, well� You just get on that story idea. Don't make me hound you for it."
As Gus retreated from view, Josie looked longingly at the telephone again and sighed. It looked like she had no time for personal phone calls now� She just hoped that whatever it was that was bothering Sam, he could handle it without her for a while.
* * *
As Sam entered the living room, Lara looked up at him from his favorite leather chair and smiled warmly. Immediately, she put the legal pad she'd had balanced on her curled up legs aside and stood to put her arms around Sam's neck in greeting.
Sam flinched slightly at the contact with Lara, and did not reciprocate.
Lara continued, "Oh, sweetie�are you feeling better? I was starting to get worried about you� My poor dear," she cooed, and then she stood on tiptoe to place a soft kiss on Sam's mouth�except that he turned his head away from it. A shadow of confusion crossed Lara's features before she said with a wounded voice, "Oh, Sam�what's wrong? You didn't mind my kisses before�"
When Sam turned toward her again, Lara knew that something had changed. She couldn't put her finger on it, but he looked�different.
Lara tried not to let that bother her. She knew what to do to get his attention again. "Now, where were we?" She began to snuggle up to him and started nuzzling his neck.
In response, Sam placed a hand on either of Lara's forearms and moved a step backward away from her, breaking the contact. Looking Lara right in the eye, he said flatly, "Lara, I'm not going to do this. Not this time. While it might be true that sex was something we've always done well, in the long run it never solved anything�it only delayed the inevitable. And it's certainly not going to fix anything now, so please, don't bother."
Lara flinched almost as if Sam had slapped her. She protested indignantly, "How can you say such a thing!?" Then she pouted prettily and purred, "All I wanted to do was show you how much I still love you, Sam�" She started to close in again. "Surely that's not a crime�"
"It wouldn't be if that were the truth," Sam acquiesced. "But then again, I think we both know deep down inside that it isn't the truth, don't we?"
Now Lara was really shaken. She felt her hold over Sam starting to slip and it frightened her. 'What happened in that bathroom?' she wondered to herself. He'd never acted this way with her before�so cold, so unemotional. Sam Coulson had always been about emotions�and now he showed her nothing.
Sam sighed a little at the hurt, shocked, fearful look on Lara's face. Although he had wanted to make his point, he hadn't meant to make it so bluntly. He let go of her right arm with his left hand and loosened his grip on her other arm with his right. Running the fingers of his left hand through his hair in a nervous gesture, he said, "Listen Lara� If you truly did come here in order to try and talk things out, to maybe make things work again, then clouding the issue with desire does not accomplish that goal." Sam gestured back toward the kitchen table and continued, "Why don't we actually sit down and talk�really talk about everything. I have to be honest with you� I truly believe that this relationship cannot be salvaged in any form, but I'm willing to talk about it anyway� What about you?"
Lara realized in that moment that she was no longer calling the shots with Sam: a position she'd firmly held for five years. Sam definitely was holding all the cards now, and what was even more frustrating about it�she didn't even know how it had happened. It was like he'd suddenly found confidence in himself in areas where he'd never had it before�as if suddenly the chinks in her errant knight's armor had disappeared as if they'd been a mirage. Knowing she had no other option, Lara silently nodded and turned to follow him into the kitchen.
* * *
Sam pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment in frustration. He and Lara had been talking for over an hour, and he felt as if they hadn't made any progress whatsoever. If anything, he felt that things were starting to deteriorate even further. Lara had neatly sidestepped his questions every time he tried to bring up a serious issue, while turning to level her own accusations against him.
Sighing, Sam put up his hands as if to signal a time out. "Hold on a minute, Lara� Can't you see that this going around in circles is getting us nowhere? If you're not also willing to discuss the issues that have bothered me, then why are we even havingthis conversation?"
Lara sat back in her chair and crossed her arms across her chest with a huff. Her left leg, crossed over her right, bobbed up and down in an impatient gesture. She was fast losing her patience with this new version of Sam. "Fine, fine," Lara replied tartly with a wave of her hand at Sam. "Go ahead� I'm listening."
Sam sat back in his chair; a little surprised that Lara gave in without more of a fight. Plaintively, he asked he asked a question he'd wanted to know the answer to for years: "I've always wondered�why was it that we never, ever discussed the possibility of you moving to Chicago? Why was it that I had to be the one to move to New York?"
Lara rolled her eyes and then looked at Sam as if he were completely dense. "Oh, come on, Sam� Do you honestly mean to tell me that you cannot see the obvious logic in it?"
At Lara's condescending tone, Sam frowned and crossed his arms across his chest. "No, frankly, I don't. I just can't believe that we never even discussed it as an option. I mean, it would have been one thing if we had discussed it and ruled it out, but you wouldn't even talk about it."
Lara threw her hands up in frustration. "Well, of course not! For God's sake, Sam! My career field is very specialized! Do you think I could practice investment law just anywhere!?"
Sam replied dryly, "There is a stock exchange in Chicago, Lara. Surely there must be firms that deal with investment law here, too�"
Lara shook her head again, as if she couldn't believe he didn't get it. "But all the best ones are in New York, Sam. The ones here couldn't possibly compete."
"Does everything have to be a competition with you, Lara? Why would you have to work at the best firm? What does that matter as long as you're doing a job you love? Wouldn't the idea of being with me mean anything to you?" Sam pressed.
Lara skirted that issue, saying instead, "Listen, Sam�I didn't go through Yale Law School for nothing! I worked my butt off for that degree! When you have a degree like that, people expect you to go places with it. I mean, I was chosen over 65 other applicants for my position! 65!A degree like that opens doors, Sam�doors that I want opened to me�"
Sam rolled his eyes again. "Geez, Lara�"
Then Lara turned her piercing gaze on Sam. "Personally, Sam, I have never understood why you waste your time, talent, and degree teaching spelling and grammar to a bunch of oversexed teens when you could have a distinguished career as a Literature Professor at NYU. Don't you want to do something with your life?" Lara leaned forward a little and in a bit of a conspiratorial tone, said, "You know, I still have some pull over there�I could get you in. Just say the word�"
Sam cut Lara off in mid-sentence. "Lara, I've told you before, I don't want to teach at the college level! I like what I'm doing now!"
"So, because you want to play Peter Pan and never grow up, I am supposed to uproot my whole existence?" Lara snipped at Sam.
"Well, that's basically what you were demanding that I do, Lara�abandon the life that I've carved out for myself here to be with you in New York," Sam reminded her.
Lara had finally had it. She was sick of trying to calmly justify her position to Sam. She was never going to move to Chicago, and the sooner he realized that, the better! "All right�this has gone on long enough! I've tried to humor you here, but the whole thing is completely ludicrous! Sam, you know how hard I worked to graduate from law school with honors, and you know how incredible it was for Stearns and Johnson to offer me a position straight out of college! They're one of the best firms in the country, Sam, and they never hire untried attorneys. But for me they made an exception�" For a moment, Lara had a faraway expression, as if she were reliving that wonderful moment in her mind.
"I understand all that, Lara�but I still don't know why�" Sam began.
Lara rudely interrupted, practically yelling to make herself heard over Sam's voice. "Listen! It's only natural that you would move to New York. After all, I'm already making a salary in the six digit range that's almost ten times what you make doing what you do. And I've already made lots of contacts in society�the kind that you can't replace. I already have a life there."
Sam was getting angry, too. He snapped, "Well, what about my feelings, my needs! I also have a life I've made for myself here! Maybe I don't want to live out there! Maybe I'd rather watch grass grow than go to all those operas and charity balls that your life seems to revolve around! Maybe I'd rather stay here in Chicago being "Peter Pan," as you call it, than play Ken to your Barbie in New York! Did you ever consider that when you went off half-cocked making all these 'plans' for us?"
"I made plans�" Lara over-enunciated each word because she was so livid, "because it was the only logical, sane choice."
Sam gave Lara a look as if he thought her sanity were in question.
Glaring back at Sam, Lara continued, "And I've been doing the lion's share of preparation for your move, I might add! I've been hard at work trying to lay the groundwork for our happy future together, while you've been here playing hockey with your 'buddies' and tossing back a few beers! I would think that the least you could do after all my hard work would be to make some definite plans�to tell me how much longer I would have to wait our life together to start! That�and learn a little about the culture and society we would be living in, of course� Which I have taken great pains over the years to instill in you so that you wouldn't feel out of place! You should be thanking me for all my hard work, not tearing me down for it!"
"Thank you!?" Sam sputtered. "You think I should thank you for making my life miserable with all this idiotic, pompous propriety crap? And for what? So that people we don't even know can think we are great?"
"Fuck you, Sam!" Lara swore vehemently, her temper unleashed at last. She stood up and pounded her fist on the table. "This is bullshit! I worked damn hard to get where I am right now� And everything is perfectly on schedule, just as I planned it! That is, except for you! I am not going to give up my prestigious Wall Street position�the one I worked so hard and am so respected for�just so you can stay in Chicago and babysit some worthless, mindless kids!"
"I mean, come on, Sam�! What!? Did you really expect me to throw my whole career away just so I could play happy homemaker for you�? Living in a cramped little house with a white picket fence in Cheeseville, Wisconsin while I pump out kids, playing the part of the dutiful wife, as we struggle to pay the bills because of your sorry excuse of a profession? Oh, no. I don't think so�! And if you did think I'd go along with such nonsense, then you're out of your mind!" Lara's chest heaved from the intensity of her outburst.
Sam's mouth dropped open as he stared at the seething Lara, completely stunned and shocked at the bald viciousness of her attack. Her words swirled around in his brain for a moment in a jumble, almost as if she'd spoken a foreign language that he couldn't quite comprehend.
But then, as Sam digested what Lara had said�and what she hadn't said� it was as if a fog bank had lifted in his mind and suddenly everything was crystal clear. In an instant, he understood everything that had been a mystery to him about their relationship for the past five years�especially Lara's true feelings for him and what she wanted from him. The naked truth was so painful, he felt as if the breath had been knocked from his chest. 'Five years�' Sam thought in anguish, 'Five years wasted for absolutely nothing�'
Sam looked down at his lap and blinked back the tears that were threatening to form. Even though he was now in love with Josie, at one point in his life he had loved Lara very much. And to find out in this harsh way that everything he thought he'd had with her was just a sham hurt Sam deeply.
Meanwhile, Lara, still boiling with anger, did not notice the change in Sam's demeanor. She continued to attack, saying, "Well!? What do you have to say for yourself!?"
Sam hardened his heart and looked back up at Lara with more strength of conviction than he'd ever had before. Calmly, almost in a conversational tone, he began, "You know, I just got it. After five years, I finally got the joke�and it's been on me this whole time. I finally understand what you saw in me from the start and why our relationship has always been so frustratingly difficult."
Now it was Lara's turn to be shocked. Her mind was only just registering what she'd said to Sam in her rage and she realized that she had made a serious tactical blunder. She could only hold her breath and wait to see what Sam would say next. She fervently hoped that she hadn't ruined everything, but the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach from the strange calmness that had descended on Sam told her that she probably had.
Sam continued in a strained voice that belied his calm demeanor, "You didn't date me because you were attracted to me as a person� I mean, sure, I suppose you thought I was attractive physically�there had to be something you liked�but you had little use for the person I was on the inside. You just wanted to find out what it would be like to be with someone from the poor side of the tracks for a while, right? Maybe somehow that seemed a little exciting to you�that you were doing something a little daring and adventurous, a little naughty�considering the prim, proper world you were from. Maybe it was a way to get back at your uptight upper middle class parents for your restrictive upbringing� I don't know."
Stunned at Sam's accurate description of her early motives, Lara just continued to stare at Sam, horrified.
When Lara did not break in immediately with protests, Sam knew he'd hit the nail on the head with his assessment. "But you never really saw me as your equal, did you? After all, I was that poor professor's kid who got into Yale on the coattails of some old, long-dead benefactors instead of being a banker's son or a lawyer's son who could pay their own way and then some. And since you'd never considered me as anything more than a plaything for you while you were away at school, it didn't really matter that I was studying to be a teacher, too. It amused you�you thought it was quaint. You never considered it a worthwhile profession for a Yale graduate, but then you never expected to see me again once you'd left, so you conveniently forgot that detail about me for a while. When I'd talk about my aspirations to you," Sam remembered with uncommon clarity, "you humored me; almost as if I were a little boy that would eventually grow out of such fancies and choose a real job."
"But you had a problem when you graduated and went back home, didn't you Lara?" Sam remembered that summer and autumn of his final year at Yale, when he hadn't heard from her in almost four months before she contacted him and they continued their relationship. "Apparently you found your proper, upper class male friends too bland for your taste. You found that I gave you something that those crusty, starched white-shirts couldn't, didn't you? So you had a dilemma. You wanted to be with me because I provided that sense of excitement and danger you were lacking, but you didn't want any of your high society friends to know how you'd been 'slumming it' at school."
Sam smiled mirthlessly as he deduced, "So apparently, you decided that you'd have to make the best of it. That's why you came back to me after those four months of avoiding me, wasn't it? I apparently filled some sort of void in your life�one that you were ashamed to admit to your 'important' friends."
"But if you were going to have me in your life, things were going to have to change. I was going to have to change, right? The only way I would ever fit into your vision of happiness would be if you could turn this sow's ear into a silk purse. You had to make me look good to your friends�acceptable even. That's why all the charity balls, the operas, the countless black tie dinners. All that time, when I thought I was helping you, being supportive of your interests, expecting that you would then help and support me� You never had any intention of returning the favor� You were showing me off like I was a piece of property."
"The part you forced me to play while I was in New York with you was to be my permanent role, wasn't it? You wanted people to see how well you'd 'reformed' me." Sam snorted in disgust at his own na�vet�. "I'll bet all your friends were congratulating you on a 'job well done' and on all your 'hard work' paying off, weren't they?"
Lara sat back down in her chair stiffly, as if her legs could no longer support her. Her face was ashen. "Sam," she began tentatively, not knowing how she could possibly explain her way out of this mess, "you don't understand�"
Sam cut her off in mid-sentence. "Oh, but I do understand. For the first time, I understand perfectly. I gave you my heart and soul, and in return, you used them to get me to jump through your hoops like a trained poodle. Once I had opened myself up to you, you quickly determined what my insecurities were and then used them to keep me in line."
A wistful expression crossed Sam's features as he admitted, "The truly sad thing is that I fell for it; I fell for the whole thing hook, line, and sinker. When I met you, I was young and na�ve�and probably an easy mark for someone as worldly as you. But I'm five years older�and hopefully�wiser now. I now know that real love is based on acceptance and understanding, not on fear and deceptions. I cannot understand why it took me this long to realize that. I was miserable with you because you made me feel that whom I was inside was not okay."
"But now I know that I am okay, whether you approve or not. I am finished with needing your approval. I know now that I need none but my own approval. And I've discovered that I'm happy with the life I've chosen. I'm happy with the way things are going in my life. I love to teach� I love teaching at South Glen South. And I love those kids."
'And I love Josie,' he added to himself.
Knowing now that Sam was lost to her forever, Lara no longer couched her venom in niceties. She narrowed her eyes dangerously and spat at him, "Yeah�some more than others, obviously�"
"Oh, so now the truth comes out," Sam replied, an edge of barely concealed anger in his tone. He leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed menacingly across his chest. He waited in expectation, with the false disinterested, bored expression of a cat about to pounce. "So�exactly how long have you known about Josie?"
* * *