* * *
I was walking on air on Monday morning as I entered the main building of the school, a small smile on my face. After Rob's confession to me the night before, we had snuggled on my couch watching a movie before he walked me up to my room. The desire for him to spend the night with me was there for both of us, but we both agreed that it might be too soon. As much as we felt for each other, I didn't want to jump in too soon and mess everything up. So, he curled up around me, twisting my hair through his fingers and gently rubbing my face until I fell asleep. He let himself out, leaving me a note saying goodbye and that he would call me soon. When I saw that note I folded it up and put it in a box in my closet that was full of mementos.
I sat on the stairs and faced the doorway, watching as Guy Perkins and the three Barbies walked in. The girls were laughing at something that Guy said as usual.
"That is so rufus, Guy!" said Kirsten.
"Rufus. Guy's 'ingenious' contribution to the slang dictionary. I really can't believe that it caught on. These kids really will do anything he says, I guess." I said into my recorder. I looked at them again and this time Guy noticed. He walked toward me, to the surprised looks of the girls.
"Guy? Where are you going?" asked Gibby.
"Why are you going to talk to that freak?" Kristen asked.
He ignored them and stood in front of me. "Blonde?" He asked, referring to my wig.
"I thought it might make it easier to hide from you." I replied, deadpan.
"Funny." He said as the girls gathered around him, their hands on their hips, staring at me.
"It wasn't meant to be." I replied. I stood to leave, annoyed that they had invaded my space when I hadn't seen Josie or Rob arrive yet. My morning ritual was important in my observations. Josie was at her least defensive first thing in the morning. As I reached the bottom step, Guy stood in front of me, much as he had last week.
"Excuse me." I said as politely as I could, flashing a smile.
"Why are you always running from me?"
"I wouldn't say I run, I'd say I escape."
"Why? Why can't you have a conversation with me?"
I let my gaze travel from him to the girls flanking him. They were all glaring at me. "Why is it so important that I have a conversation with you? Is it because I refuse to? Do I intrigue you because I could care less about who you are or how popular you are? The more I ignore you, the more you love me, right?"
Kristen huffed. "Are you going to let her talk to you like that, Guy?"
I turned to her and said "News Flash, Skipper. America is a free country. I can talk to whomever I want however I choose to."
"Not if you want the rest of your high school career to be pleasant." Kirsten chimed in.
"Oh, you mean, I have a chance to be accepted if I kiss your asses? No thanks. I can't think of any group I'd rather not be in more than yours." I pushed past them and headed toward Ms. Knox's class to see if Josie was in there yet. When I reached the door and saw that she wasn't, I leaned against the lockers across from it and sighed. Thank goodness this would all be over soon.
Kristen and Kirsten glared at me as they entered Ms. Knox's room, both saying "Freak" as they passed through the door. I rolled my eyes and looked to my right, seeing Rob and his little girlfriend talking in front of her classroom. My stomach dropped. I knew that it was just a charade, but he must be a fantastic actor, because to me it looked like he really did like that girl.
"Lily." I jumped at the sound of Guy's voice.
"What now?" I asked, irritated again. "Are you going to threaten my future happiness, too?"
"No." He paused, waving at Rob as he passed us. I made sure to keep my head down briefly before raising it to look confidently at Guy. "I just wonder why you are here."
"The same reason you are." I replied. "And if this is another inquisition about never seeing me in class, save it. You don't need to know everything about everone that goes here. Accept that, to me, you are not important. I don't care what you think. You can't bully me or make me feel small. I am not weak minded. And I don't think you are cool. I think you are a scared, insecure little boy who has to make everyone either like you or fear you to make yourself feel secure." I saw Josie enter her class, looking a little like the confident girl I had lunch with on Saturday. Being the observer that she is, she noticed Guy talking to me, but didn't seem to recognize me. She just seemed curious. Then the bell rang. "Now, if you will excuse me, I have to get to my class." I walked off, hurrying up the stairs before he could catch up, and ducked into a bathroom. It was in there that I noticed that I had never stopped my tape recorder, so I had gotten all of the exchanges between me and the cool kids on tape.
* * *
Rob told me about his plan to make the cool kids like Josie. He explained to me that she had been ridiculed continuously in high school, with no help from him, and he felt that he had to make it up to her. He admitted to being the one that started the awful nickname that followed her all the was through her Senior year.
His plan consisted of stories that he would concoct about Josie's past, some including him. "I know the secret to popularity." he stated.
"As long as one popular person thinks you're cool, you're in." I replied.
"Yeah! How'd you--?"
"I was popular." I answered.
"I guess the little known secret isn't so secret after all."
"It's not like you made up the rules, Rob. Things have been that was in high school forever. It's just that the popular kids are in on it and everyone else isn't."
"Yeah, I guess. Anyway, if I tell them that Josie, like, dated someone in a band or something, they'll be uimpressed. Then, they'll like her and she'll be happier."
"You're sweet."
"I at least owe her that after the 'Josie Grossie' thing."
I noticed that in a few days' time people were treating Josie differently. The boys were looking at her with new-found interest, people listened to her opinions in class without laughing at her, and , in the most incredible turn of events, the popular girls asked her to sit with them at lunch and to hang out with them after school. Rob's plan had gone off without a hitch, and Josie looked a hundred times happier because of it. I was happy for her. She deserved to be happy.
* * *
For the first time in the five weeks that I have been wandering around undercover at South Glen South I slipped into a class, partly because it was the sex-ed class, and partly because it was so large that I could blend in without Josie noticing me. I sat in the very back and waited for it to start. Mr. Coulson was the supervising teacher, and we were waiting for the guest speaker to arrive.
Josie was seated in the front, and I wasn't sure if that was because she was more comfortable there, if she was really interested in the subject matter, or if she just wanted to be closer to Mr. Coulson. Whatever the reason, her confidence had grown in the few days that she had begun to be accepted as "cool", and it showed in her smile, in her appearance, and in her overall posture. She was seated next to Tracie, a fact that made me feel a little betrayed. I felt seventeen when I allowed thought enter my head like, 'Josie should be loyal to me and not sit with Rob's pretend girlfriend.' I knew it wasn't like that at all, though; Josie was just being Josie.
About ten minutes later the speaker arrived. I looked at the attractive brunette and again wondered where teachers like that were when I was in school. She fit the part of a sex-ed teacher in her silky slip dress that showed a lot of skin and her red, red lips.
It was toward the end of class that evertything changed for Josie forever. There was an announcement that East Glen East had chosen the same prom theme as South Glen South. The room erupted in cries of despair, anger and dissappointment. Pam, the speaker, suggested 'Under The Sea' as a new theme, and Mr. Coulson had offered 'The 80's', only to be rebuffed by Gibby who said "What do you think we are, ameteurs?"
I rolled my eyes at that one.
Everyone seemed to be on the verge of breaking down when Guy stood up and said, "Josie, Josie will have the answer," in his confident, cool way.
Josie stood up, stunned, and faced the class. I could practically see the wheels turning in her head as she said, "How about, 'Meant For Each Other'? Famous Couples Throughout History."
There was a moment of silence before the class cheered and clapped, sending a smile to grace Josie's lips. She turned to look at Mr. Coulson, who was smiling at her in approval. They held their gaze for a long moment, unaware of the rest of the class. That feeling rose in my stomach again, the same one I'd had watching them on the Ferris wheel. Was there something going on between them? I'd have to ask Josie later when I met her for dinner.
* * *
I met Josie at TGI Friday's at seven o'clock and found her alreeady seated. "I hope you don't find this weird." She said. "It's just that Rob doesn't let me into his personal life very often, but he's different regarding you. So, I want to get to know you better."
"There really isn't any reason to explain. I want to be a bigger part of his life, and that includes knowing you better." I replied.
"Good." She smiled and took a sip of her water. "Can I be honest with you?"
"Of course."
"It's weird, I feel like I can trust you, even though we have only met once prior to today. It's just that I feel this strange bond with you that I haven't ever really felt with another girl. Not even Anita, and she's the closest I have to a 'best friend'."
I smiled at her admission. I knew what she meant. I hadn't had a close friend since I moved back to Chicago from San Francisco. I had tried to keep in touch with friends from college, but over time I lost contact when my career took off. Janeane was the closest thing I had to an actual friend, and that wasn't saying much. In the past few weeks I had started thinking of Josie as a friend although she and I hadn't actually met, so to hear her say that she felt affection for me in such a short time made me smile warmly at her. "I know what you mean."
"And my brother thinks you are the best thing since baseball. I think you are the first girl to ever really affect him. How do you feel about him?"
"I absolutely adore him."
Josie smiled at my admission.
I went on, "Honestly, if I didn't know better, I'd think I was falling in love with him."
Her green-hazel eyes brightened as the smile on her lips grew larger. "That's amazing."
"Because we've only known each other a few weeks? I know. But he's unlike any other guy I have ever known."
"No, I think it's amazing that you are so open and honest about your feelings. I don't think I could be." Her eyes traveled down to intently study the table, her smile quickly fading.
"If you were falling in love you would be, I'm sure of it." I took a sip of my water and looked at my menu absently, waiting for Josie to respond. She was looking at her menu as well, but didn't seem to be reading it. She finally looked up.
"I'm not sure I would know if I was falling in love or not. I don't know the difference in the feelings between that and having an enormous crush."
"There's a big difference, Josie. Having a crush, no matter how big or small, is pretty much based on physical attraction and a small amount of knowledge about the person , if you're lucky. Falling in love is when you know that person on such a deep, intense level that you feel as if you are a part of them and they a part of you. You feel as if your soul is intertwined with their soul and as if a piece of them is always with you and you with them. You miss them when they leave the room and are sad every second that you're away from them..." I trailed off and this time it was my turn to stare off absently. I studied each car in my line of vision out the window to my left, taking deep, quite breaths. I looked back at Josie. "It sounds so pathetic and desperate...to miss someone when you are at work or the supermarket...but falling in love is different that being in love.
That's why they call it 'falling'. I believe you 'fall' into a little bit of craziness until your brain can acclimate the added amount of emotion the rest of your body suddenly has." I paused to catch my breath. "That's just a theory, though."
Josie's eyes were slightly brimmed with tears. "I think I know what you mean...in theory. I know I have never been in love before. I've never even had a boyfriend."
"Really?" She was such a wonderful person, I was astounded by this piece of information.
She blushed slightly.
"I wasn't what you would call 'pretty' in high school...or college...or now, for that matter."
"What are you talking about?! You are very pretty, and I'm not just saying that."
Josie blushed. "Please, don't try to appease me. I've lived with myself for 25 years..."
"Josie, whether you were awkward or shy in high school, that doesn't have anything to do with who you are right now--"
"I was 'Josie Grossie', Caroline. I had long, mousy, ratty hair. I had acne so bad it made me cry to look in the mirror sometimes. I was overweight."
"You aren't 'Josie Grossie' anymore. You're Josie Geller."
"That's what Rob said."
"See?"
"I don't really expect you to understand. No offense, but you are gorgeous, and I'm sure you always have been. I bet you were one of the in-crowd kids in school. I bet everyone either loved you or wanted to be you."
It was hard for me to look her in the eye, knowing what she went through in high school and how I had been the type that would have ridiculed her. "Not everyone loved me. A lot of people hated me, believe me. I'll let you read my first four columns sometime. They are massive apoplgies to people that I was awful to. So, you may think I'm pretty, and I may have been in high school as well, but I was ugly inside, where it matters. I have worked very hard to be prettier inside than out over the last few years, whereas I'm sure you were always as beautiful inside as you are now."
"Thank you." She smiled at me. "I can see how you managed to get your own weekly column at such a young age. You have a way with words."
"Thanks."
Josie seemed to want to tell me something but was holding back. I thought a little pushing wouldn't hurt. "How was school today?" I asked.
She let out a little breathy laugh. "I had almost forgotten all about that part of my life for a while!" She took another bite. "It was...interesting." she answered, going on to tell her version of the events that had happened in the sex-ed class, including the tidbit that 'Pam Kitterman' had been her friend Anita from the newspaper, visiting her for lunch. "A week ago no one would talk to me, and now, I chose the prom theme! It's like the real seventeen-year-old I once was has finally been vindicated a little bit. All I've ever wanted was to be accepted, you know?"
"That's realy cool, Josie! Do you have a date yet?"
"No." she shrugged. "Even if I don't, I'll still go and have a better time than I did at my real prom."
"Why? What happened then?"
"It's a long and terrible story that I'd rather not tell. It's humiliating."
I respected her wish and didn't prod. "I'm sure someone will ask you now that you are suddenly popular."
She smiled. "Not who I want to ask me, but that's a whole different can of worms that doesn't need to be opened."
"I'm intrigued." I said.
"Give me some time, and maybe I'll muster the courage to admit what it is." she paused "If it is anything at all."
* * *
Janeane informed me that I was going to go to the South Glen South Senior Prom. She supplied me with a miniature camera to take pictures with, just in case anything substantial happened that I could work into my story. She gave me petty cash and instructed me to go to the mall and get a prom dress.
Personally, spending my Saturday afternoon at the mall was not my idea of a good time. I hate the mall. But, because it was for my job, I went and it took me two hours to find the right dress... especially since I was going stag to a prom with the theme "Famous Couples Throughout History."
It cost the Trib $375, but the costume was awesome. If anyone asked me, I chose to come alone, and my costume was modeled after Rose in Titanic... at the end, after Jack drowns. It was the same style that Kate Winslet wore in the movie, a lightweight white and lavender corseted dress belted at the waist. I had even decided to go back the Hair Fantasy and buy a long red wig complete the ensemble.
I was about to get on the escalator to head downstairs and out to the parking lot when I saw Josie getting on with Kristen, Kirsten and Gibby. I walked slowly to the railing and watched as Josie noticed Aldys heading up the opposite escalator. Josie was flanked by the three girls, all four of them wearing matching cardigans in assorted colors, and I noticed that the popular girls had tracked down little wing pins, much like Josie's. I found this to be typical behavior of not only these girls, but all popular girls: following the leader, encouraging the 'trend'.
"Oh my God, like, it's another lemming." said Aldys as she and Josie passed. Josie tilted her head up and watched Aldys turn her back, her eyes sorrowful.
"Whatever, Alpo." Gibby retorted, too late. Josie stepped off of the escalator and shrugged. She turned to the girls and smiled and they headed toward the exit.
I looked at my watch. Rob's baseball game would be starting in 45 minutes, and I wanted to go, although I would have to go in disguise, much to my chagrin. I wanted to be able to support him, but couldn't let him know I was there. "Only two more weeks of this and then I'm free again." I muttered as I opened the door and walked out into the warm spring sunshine.
I rushed home, hung my dress in my closet and put my wig on. I put on a more 'undercover' outfit of black tank top, jeans, and sunglasses, grabbed my bag and headed out the door.
When I got to the school, the stands were pretty full, as I had hoped. I could slip in unnoticed easily. Once I was seated, I looked around to see who else was here. I saw Josie sitting with the Barbie girls, and adjacent to them further down the bleachers sat Guy Perkins and his male co-horts. Guy was playing a guitar and the taller of his friends was dancing back and forth to the rhythm. I looked out at the field and smiled when I saw Rob in his short-stop position, looking out over the field, waiting for his moment to shine.
And shine he did. This being the first time I had seen him play ball, I was taken aback at how talented he really was. Not that I ever really doubted what he said, but seeing is believing. I was overcome with pride, and at the same time overwhelmed with sadness that I couldn't run down there and give him congratulatory hugs and kisses.
I looked back toward Josie, noticing that Guy was staring at her while he absently stummed his guitar. Well, isn't that just the way it goes? I wasn't at all surprised at his uncreative reaction to all of Rob's tall tales. Guy was just like I had been at his age: so very insecure that others have to tell him what's cool as well as him telling them. As soon as Rob made it known that Josie was cool (not to mention that she had 'dated' not only him but the drummer in Big Bad Voodoo Daddy as well) the little wheels in Guy's head turned, telling him that he had to get her before anyone else snatched her up. I rolled my eyes and turned back to the game.
When Rob caught the winning ball everyone stood up and cheered his name. Josie and her girls did a little dance. I sat still, clapping and smiling, watching all of his team members shake his hand and pat him on the back. I saw his coach say something to him and Rob hugging him. Must be something good. I stood to leave, walking very slow to get one last look at my boyfriend as he headed toward the fence. 'Wow, he looks great in that little baseball uniform...' I thought, biting my lower lip.
"Hey guys, party at my house tonight!" Rob yelled before he went into the dugout. I glanced at the "crew". They were all jumping around, excited at the very mention of a party.
I just walked to my car, depressed.
I was home for less than five minutes when there was a knock on my door. I looked through the peephole to see Rob standing there, still in his uniform. I looked around for incriminating evidence, seeing the blonde wig on a stool at the bar. I grabbed it, throwing it in the coat closet before opening the door with a smile.
"Hi, sweetie." I greeted, standing on tiptoe to kiss his cheek.
"Hi." He squeezed my arm and walked in, sitting down in the living room.
"Did you have a good game?" I asked, sitting next to him.
"We won. Coach said I can play starting shortstop in the championship game next weekend."
"That's great! You must be so excited."
He shrugged but smiled. "Yeah, this is why I decided to pretend to be a high school student, I guess."
"Then what's wrong?"
He looked me in the eye. "Where were you? I told you I had a game."
"Yeah, and how would it look if your real girlfriend showed up? How would you explain that?"
"Why would I need to? It would have been nice if you had been there, that's all. To prove that you're supporting me."
It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do to not tell him that I had been there. "I do support you. I wanted more than anything to be there, but this was your plan. I didn't ask you to enroll in high school and put obstacles in our relationship. Besides, I'm sure your other girlfriend gave all kinds of moral support." I didn't mean to be so callous, and I felt bad, but it was as if I couldn't stop my mouth from speaking.
"She wasn't even there."
"Abandoned by both your women. How very sad for you," I said, full of sarcasm.
"God, Caroline! What is your problem!?"
"I'm tired of dating a seventeen year old." This was not the way I had wanted it to come out. I was tired of the situation, not him.
"Then don't." He stood up to go.
"I didn't think I was." I said to his back. He stopped. "Do you even know how hard this is for me? It's simple for you; you go to school, hang around with kids, act cool, date hot chicks. Everyone loves Rob, right? Well, I love Rob, too, and I don't get half the attention that they do." I felt the tears brimming in my eyes. One fell as he turned around to face me.
"You love me?" he asked quietly.
"I think so." I replied, as quietly as he had been. If he was a typical guy, this would be when he walked away in a panic. I knew he wasn't going to return the sentiment. He wasn't ready yet.
"I...I don't know what to do...I told you how I feel about you and I've told you how important baseball is. I'm torn."
"I know that. But you also said that you took the easy way. I wouldn't be so freaked if you were in college..."
"Playing on the South Glen team, playing in the championship game, that could get me a baseball scholorship."
"No, it can't, Rob. Have you really thought about this? You registered with a fake ID. If the scouts look into your records they will see that you aren't really a student. You'll never get a scholorship this way."
"Well, it's nice to know that my girlfriend believes in me. But how could you, really? You can't even take the time to see me play. What were you doing today anyway?"
"Shopping." I said.
"That's really important stuff." He was still standing close to the door, and he took a step closer as he said "I thought you were different from all the girls I've dated before. Smarter, mature. I guess I was wrong."
"No, you weren't. I thought I was respecting your wishes! I didn't want to mess up this game you are playing, and I don't mean baseball. How do you think those kids will treat you if I blew your cover?"
He shrugged.
"Exactly. You put me second to this, so I am acting accordingly. And I can't really expect you to put me first. You said it yourself, you don't know what to do. You don't feel for me the way I do for you."
"That's not entirely true."
I looked at him through teary eyes. "Then what, exactly?"
"I told you how I felt about you last weekend." he said, not moving from the door.
I couldn't believe that we were having an argument and I had to just let it happen. I couldn't tell him the truth about being at the game until I could tell him that I was at the school every day. And I couldn't tell him that until after my story ran in next Sunday's paper, the day after the Prom.
"Yes, but since you said all that to me you have acted differently."
"No I haven't." he shrugged. "Whatever, I have to go."
"Why?"
" I have to go because I'm throwing a party."
"Well, that obviously is much more important than this."
"Give me a break, OK? I'd invite you but..."
"Yeah, I know. This is for your high school friends. Well, have fun." I said with sarcasm dripping thick in my voice.
"I will."
"Fine." He walked out, and as the door closed I sank to the floor, letting the tears flow. I didn't mean half of what I had said, and now it was probably too late to fix it. I may have just lost him.
* * *