* * *
After compiling a list of things for Sam to tell Josie, Matt wished Sam luck and the two of them parted company, walking to their respective cars.
For twenty minutes, Sam drove around the mall, scanning the parking lot until he spotted Josie's Buick Le Sabre. Obviously, she'd left her car behind when she'd departed with her friend, Anita. Sam parked next to her car and walked around it, making sure all her doors were locked securely. Somehow he felt that by doing this he was at least trying to take care of her in a small way � he cared so much that he needed to do something no matter how insignificant it might be. After he'd assured himself that her car was indeed "secure" he climbed back into his friend, Jonathan's car and pulled out of the parking lot.
Feeling restless, instead of heading for home, Sam decided to swing by Josie's apartment � again just to check on things. He wasn't sure what things he expected to check out there, but he felt a yearning to somehow be close and this was the only way he could think of to reach out to her since he had no idea where her friend Anita lived. Right now, even though he didn't know Anita, he envied her since Sam desperately wanted to be the one spending the evening with Josie.
As he pulled into the space in front of Josie's apartment house, he immediately noticed that her apartment was completely dark. It was also apparent that some of the other residents were obviously using candles for light. Sam decided to go knock on her door even though he knew she wasn't there.
As he walked up the stairs in the dark he remembered how he'd almost kissed her there the night before after he'd called for the tow truck. It seemed like so long ago to him now. He knocked on her door several times, but just as he expected, there was no answer. Sam sighed dejectedly and turned to go, wishing more than anything that she had answered that door so they might spend the evening by candlelight holding each other after he told her everything about his feelings. He walked sadly back to the car and climbed in.
Realistically, Sam knew his personal declaration of love would have to wait now, at least until he would see her at the Prom. "It's my own damned fault," he sighed disgustedly. "I've known how I've felt for the past two weeks. And like an idiot I blow chance after chance to tell her. She probably thinks I'm spending the night with Lara. What an idiot!" He said it ruefully, shaking his head has he finally headed for home alone � as usual.
* * *
After arriving home � well after 10:00 PM, Sam spent the next two hours packing, brooding and trying to memorize his list of things to say to Josie.
He looked around his apartment, frowning. "God, I can't wait to get out of here," he muttered. Now since Lara had once again swept in and upset his life, he was more eager than ever to put all the bad memories associated with her and this place behind him. Sam looked at the clock, realizing it was now well after midnight. He wondered if Josie might be awake thinking about him also. 'God, if only she'd call me again now, so I could explain,' he thought helplessly.
"How many chances do you need, Sam?" he muttered. "Matt's right. I have to be a man for once and take the risk. Tell her everything, student or not." He knew he couldn't go on much longer like this - that was certain.
This day that had started with sweet flirting with Josie in the school parking lot had ended as always with both of them miserable and apart. Sam sighed for the hundredth time and changed out of his clothes into his big gray T- shirt and black silk boxer shorts. He propped his pillows up and put them behind his head and tried to close his eyes to relax. But he couldn't relax. So he studied his list some more.
When that didn't relax him, he reached under the bed to pick up the picture of himself with Josie, Georgia and Gina. 'If only I could go back in time,' he thought sadly. 'I should have kissed her back that night and never let her go.' After another hour of staring at the picture intermittently, Sam finally drifted off into a fitful sleep.
* * *
When he woke up somehow instead of being home in bed, he was again at Josie's apartment door, this time wearing the beige shirt and black pants he'd worn to school earlier in the day. He knocked on the door again, but instead of silence, this time he was met with the faint sound of a woman crying inside.
"Josie," he called softly. "Josie, are you in there?"
Still there was no answer, but the sobbing continued. He knew it was Josie � in there crying her heart out. Heartsick and worried, he knocked again louder, but still there was no response other than the sound of her tears.
In frustration, he called louder, "Josie, honey, it's Sam. Please answer me, Josie. I have to talk to you. Please let me explain."
When there was till no answer other than the muffled sobbing, in desperation, he tried the doorknob. To his surprise and shock, the door was unlocked. Concern for her safety and emotional well-being overwhelmed him. He knew he couldn't leave her in there crying her eyes out; so slowly, tentatively, he opened the door.
He sucked in a painful breath when he saw her � still wearing that beautiful white dress with the blue flowers that she'd worn to school today. But now the dress was soaking wet and clinging to her as she sat sideways on her love seat, rocking back and forth, hugging her stuffed penguin and crying. The room was lit only by candlelight � two candles to be precise. Sam knew he'd been the cause of all that pain and it tore him apart. Here she'd been crying in that wet dress for hours because of him.
"Josie, please, you'll get pneumonia in that wet dress. Honey, please let me explain," Sam pleaded gently as he approached her.
"Go away!" Josie sobbed. "You're too late. Leave me alone."
Sam shook his head miserably. "I'm not going to leave you like this. Please Josie, it's not what you think."
"No. Don't lie to me anymore. Just go back to your girlfriend and leave me by myself. You don't care about me. Quit pretending that you do." Still she refused to look at him, burying her face in the penguin's fur.
"Josie," Sam begged in frustration as he walked closer to her. "I love you so much, honey. How can I convince you? Please Josie, please."
"No!" She sobbed, hugging the penguin tighter. "You let her tear up the papers I wrote for you. You pretended it wasn't me on the phone. You're still in love with Lara. Just leave me alone. You settled for Lara. Now it's my turn to settle for someone who really cares about me!" She said it bitterly, crying harder than ever.
"Oh God, Josie please don't say that! You don't mean that! You know how much I love you. You mean everything to me." Sam could see now how much she was shivering. He knew he had to continue to try and reason with her.
"Please Josie, you need to change out of those wet clothes � at least into something dry. Please? I'm so worried about you." Sam put his hand softly on her back to comfort her. To his dismay, he realized that in addition to being soaking wet, she was burning up with fever. He could clearly feel the intense heat from her body through the thin material of her dress.
"N-no," she sobbed, shaking as he tenderly rubbed her back. "You don't even want to touch me! Don't do it because you feel sorry for me. Please just go away. Just use your usual excuse. You're my teacher. You can't. Just say it and go!" She cried.
"No," he argued. "No, Josie. I won't leave you like this. I'm so in love with you. Why won't you believe me? I don't care that I'm your teacher. It doesn't change the fact that I'm in love with you. Just because I didn't handle things right with us, please, Josie, please forgive me and let me help you." Sam sat down next to her and wrapped his arms around her from the back, holding her close as he kissed the top of her head. She struggled against him for a moment and still continued to weep.
"You see me as a child," she sobbed accusingly, still refusing to look at him.
"No, no Josie � I don't I see you as the most beautiful, desirable woman I've ever known. You mean everything to me. I can't live without you," he whispered.
"I don't believe you!" She insisted furiously. "You're just saying this because you feel sorry for me. I'm so stupid - falling in love with someone who could never love the real me. I'm going to find someone who really does love me. I'm going to find someone else!"
Josie still had her back to Sam, who was sitting next to her now on the love seat with his arms wrapped around her waist, trying somehow to soothe her and calm her down. He didn't even notice yet that his shirt was as drenched as she was.
"Don't say that, Josie! Please believe me!" He implored sadly as he softly kissed the back of her neck. Still Josie fought him and tried to move away from him, but he held on to her desperately, refusing to let go.
"I kissed you and you rejected me!" She argued. "When Georgia and Gina were there. You hated it! You jumped away from me and all I wanted to do was hug you and kiss your cheek. You wouldn't let me! That's how you feel about me!"
Sam shook his head. "I was scared Josie. I wanted to hug you and kiss you back, but I'm your teacher and�"
"I knew it!" She interrupted. "That's what you always use as your excuse to reject me. Just say it and go. You're my teacher! You don't love me. I'll find someone who does. Just leave me!"
"But Josie, you are my student and you're only seventeen!" Sam tried to reason with her.
"If I wasn't seventeen or your student, you'd find some other excuse to push me away!" She cried.
"No, I wouldn't," Sam argued, confused at her logic.
"Yes you would," she insisted. "You're going to hurt me � look how much you've hurt me already!"
Sam whispered in her ear, "I know�and I'm so sorry. I just didn't know how to handle things. Josie, I've never felt anything like this before."
She shook her head, leaning away from him. "No, you love Lara � you're just using me to make her jealous."
"Josie, that's not true. I don't love Lara. I love you. What can I do to convince you?"
"You can't, but I'll find someone else who will love me and kiss me." She said it crying harder again.
"No, Josie no! Please let me show you how much I love you!" Sam was in tears now too as he pulled her to him, burying his head in her wet hair.
This was what Sam had dreaded � he had waited too long to tell Josie the truth and now she wouldn't believe him. What's more she was threatening to do what he'd feared most � settle for someone else.
"No!" She was adamant. "I had to beg you to make love to me in that dream we had and I've humiliated myself enough for you. Just go away Sam. It's too late for us. All you do is hurt me. Go back to Lara!"
"Josie, please� What can I say to make you believe me?" Sam asked helplessly.
"You can't! Your actions speak for themselves! You've known me for three months. And still Lara was in your apartment today. If you loved me that would have been over way before now!" She argued shaking her head.
"Josie, it is over. Please, listen to me. She used a key to get into my apartment�."
Josie interrupted him. "You gave her a key and didn't get it back. That means you want to be with her. I knew it!"
"No, no, no!" Sam persisted, futilely. He knew he wasn't getting anywhere trying to persuade Josie when she was in this state. "I forgot about the key." He continued explaining. "I'm an idiot, but it doesn't mean I don't love you. I do love you with all my heart."
"Why didn't you come after me?" She asked.
Sam was confused. "Come after you? � When? This evening?"
"You know when!" Josie insisted. "You let me go off alone � you didn't care what happened to me! That proves that you don't love me!"
A perplexed Sam tried to reason with her. "Josie, we were in two different places. I was in my apartment and you were in yours. I had no idea where you might go. I had to get Lara out of there. That took another hour almost." He realized it was to no avail as she was shaking her head again.
"Lara � you always are there for her, but you're never there for me!" Josie cried. "You let me leave by myself!"
Sam was totally baffled now. "How could I stop you when we're miles apart? Please, Josie, try to think about it calmly and reasonably."
It was as if she didn't hear him. What he was saying just didn't seem to register. "You left me that night at Delloser and went home with Lara!" She accused.
"Josie - you left before I did � I didn't know you'd left. I called you to make sure you got home okay, remember?" Sam prodded.
"You called me, but you were with her � probably in bed with her," Josie cried as she hugged Sam the penguin even tighter to her chest.
"No, Josie. I wasn't, I swear. Nothing like that has happened between Lara and me for many months now. Way before I met you. And after I fell in love with you, there was no way I'd ever touch her like that again. Don't you know that � how much I'm in love you?" Sam asked, as he kissed her ear. "Please let me show you how much I love you."
"You're lying!" Josie accused. "When I walked into your classroom Tuesday, you were holding her in your arms. You let me go off alone then too to cry on Joanna and Rob's shoulders. If that wasn't true, you could have left her there and run after me."
"Josie, Lara surprised me. I thought she was you. I thought I was responding to you � I wanted to put my arms around you�"
"No!" Josie shook her head furiously. "When I hug you and try to kiss you, you always run away. You always do. Even in that dream we had, I had to humiliate myself by begging you to make love to me. And you could have run after me that day in your classroom and you know it!"
Sam sighed, wondering what on earth he could say or do to persuade her now.
"Josie, please, I was confused � these feelings that I have for you � they scare me. They're so strong and I get scared and do the wrong thing. I've even written a list of things to tell you � because I'm too nervous to tell you how I feel. I've been studying it for hours."
"You had to study it because you probably don't really feel anything for me. It's all a trick." She sobbed. "Well, I've decided I don't love you either. And I'm going to marry Gus."
Sam felt as if he'd been stabbed in the heart. There was that name again. GUS!!! And now she was threatening to marry the man. Sam was beside himself with jealousy.
Sam shook his head as he held on tighter to her waist. "No! No! No! You can't marry someone else. I can't live without you. Josie, it's not a trick. Please listen to me. I have feelings for you that I've never had before for anyone. I've never been in love like this before. I know that in the dream you asked me to make love to you, but I wanted it too. I want to make love to you more than anything in the world. Let me kiss you now, Josie. I'll show you how much you mean to me."
"No!" She refused him, shaking her head. "You'll leave me. I know you will. Gus loves me. I'll be happy with him and you can stay with Lara!"
"I promise, Josie. I won't leave you no matter what," Sam vowed. "Please Josie. I'm the one begging you now. Please kiss me."
He still had his arms wrapped around her tightly. Feeling her sigh, he noticed that the trembling and shivering seemed to have lessened now. And suddenly, inexplicably, she changed her mind.
"I'll kiss you," Josie said quietly. "One kiss. But, if you leave me after this � after I kiss you like this, if you leave me again, no matter what excuse you use, it's over between us forever and I'm going to marry Gus." Sam was overjoyed to realize that she was finally listening to him, but decidedly nervous about the fact that she was threatening him with this Gus person.
Sam softened his grip and she slowly turned to face him. Even after all that crying, she looked more beautiful than ever to him. He gently wiped the tears off her cheeks with his thumbs and slowly leaned in to kiss her. The heat from her body overwhelmed him and the kiss tore through him like nothing he'd ever experienced. Everything he'd every wanted, but nothing like he'd dared imagine all at once. Finally as they both pulled back for air, she opened her eyes and looked at him knowingly as if the kiss had revealed the truth about him once and for all.
"I knew you'd leave," she said softly, closing her eyes in sad resignation.
"What do you mean? I'm right here, Josie�" he said, confused.
But then he blinked and she was gone � he was back in his bed alone, totally lost without her and inconsolable. Somehow, in spite of everything he'd said in that dream, he knew in his heart he'd let her down yet again.
Waking up in a cold sweat, thoroughly drenched, he knew that this situation could not continue. And now because of the nightmare, he felt somehow this Gus was a threat to him � and to both of them.
Now Sam knew he had no choice. He had to tell her everything at the Prom.
To be continued�