Sam's Awakening, Part 13
Josie's Shell
by Carol

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* * *

Sam spent that Tuesday evening thinking about all that had happened with Josie and Lara. He knew that the time had come for him to share his feelings with Josie� He just didn't know quite how to go about it. The magnitude of what he was feeling for her terrified him. When he thought that Josie was putting her arms around him, he had been so scared and relieved at the same time. Then he'd been horrified when he realized it was Lara and everything fell apart.

Now he had hurt Josie again. He felt like such a jerk for allowing it to happen. Her mother had told him about Josie's vulnerability and he had failed to protect her from Lara. He knew he should have chased after Josie and made things clear to her then and there, but something had stopped him. And it wasn't their teacher/student relationship that stopped him at that moment; it was something much more complex. He was ready to respond if Josie initiated something, but he was too paralyzed with fear to make the first move himself.

When he'd held Josie in his arms and she was pressed so tightly against him, he'd felt such an overwhelming attraction to her. He knew that since she was only seventeen, he would have to go really slow with her. He was afraid that at her age she might not feel the same intense and complete love that he felt for her. He knew she had feelings for him, but he wasn't sure that someone her age could begin to feel anything close to the depth of emotion in his heart. If indeed Josie's affection was only a crush on a teacher, then who knew how long something like that might last? He knew he was interested in something much more permanent than that.

Sam had always considered himself to be a calm, collected person that was very much in control of his own emotions. He had never been particularly demonstrative with Lara and this had led to many late nights of heated arguing. But Josie had awakened feelings in him he never knew he had and the overflow of emotion and caring was totally new to Sam. All this feeling bottled up inside him, coupled with the restraints forced on him by his job and her age and inexperience, tormented him on a daily and nightly basis. He found himself fantasizing (especially lately) about being with her physically: not just sexually, but in an affectionate, loving close relationship; one where he could feel comfortable just taking her hand or caressing her beautiful face.

He sat down at his desk and put his hand on the top left hand drawer. That was where he had put copies of all of Josie's papers. He had cleared out the drawer and kept it just for Josie since he'd read that first paper. He had given her back the originals with his detailed notes, but he had carefully copied and kept everything she'd written for him. He didn't know why he did it in the beginning, but something inside him told him he needed to hold on to her work. He'd never done that before with any other student's writing. He'd never taught anyone quite as gifted as Josie, but that was only part of it. He felt that everything she'd written had touched his heart in some way and he cherished every word. He knew it was irrational, but he also felt like it was as close as he could get to having Josie there with him. And he knew somehow, someday, Josie would understand why he'd done it and it would mean as much to her then as it did to him now.

He knew he had work to do, papers that needed to be graded that night, but instead of opening his briefcase, he opened Josie's drawer (that was how he thought of it, he realized) and started re-reading all of her papers. He always kept them in order, so he started with the first assignment she'd written back in March. As he read through her work, he could see how with each paper she had revealed a little more of herself to him. To his wonderment, as he read the papers again, he felt like he was falling more in love with her with each word. As he read the last paper, he decided to look at the pictures taken of them and of her at the mall just two days before on the most relaxed happy day that they had spent together.

He closed his eyes and remembered how it felt to sit close to Josie: to talk with her, laugh with her and just be with her. He realized that no matter what, somehow he needed to find a way to explain things to her as soon as possible. He even picked up the telephone and dialed her number, but he got a recording saying 'all circuits were busy'. He figured that there must be a problem with the telephone lines because of the windstorm. He decided to try and speak to her privately in school the next day face to face, maybe after class.

He still needed to grade papers from his Senior Lit class, so he turned to his briefcase and opened it, sighing heavily. He had given the class an assignment to write about a problem in their lives, with a minimum length of one paragraph. Leaning his head in hand balanced on his elbow, he started to read.

He was startled when half way through the stack of papers he recognized Josie's handwriting. He hadn't noticed when she handed in her paper and since she was no longer required to do course work for him (having earned an "A" in his class) he had assumed that she wouldn't bother. He smiled thinking how often she had surprised and delighted him with her writing.

He decided to put her paper to one side and read it after he finished the rest of the students' work. He wanted to give her writing his full and complete attention. He was excited to get through his work now so that he could see what she had written, especially in light of what had happened that day. He thought it might give him some insight into Josie's feelings and maybe help him find a way to reach out to her.

His heart was racing as he realized she'd written a personal note to him at the beginning of her paper. He took a deep breath and began reading.

Mr. Coulson,

He closed his eyes and swallowed hard, thinking about how much he always looked forward to her additions to his workload. He read on anxiously.

My Dilemma
by Josie Geller

Two months ago, I thought I was happy being by myself with no one to really care about me except for my parents and my brother. I had withdrawn from life because I was hurt and afraid. I believed I'd made a nice sheltered life for myself. I told my brother recently that I was happy with the life I'd created and he laughed at me. Now I know he was right to laugh at me.

Because I've lived through lots of emotional pain in my life, to cope with it I have created a thick shell around my heart. It's no wonder I like turtles so much; we are so much alike!

I made up my mind a long time ago to be happy alone and I know I can do that again if I need to: I just work hard and lock the bad memories away. I'm lucky because I'm strong enough to be able to do that.

But since coming to this school, everything has changed. I realized how wrong I was in my perception that being alone was best. I now know that to be truly happy, I need someone to share things with: someone who sees things the way I see them, someone who enjoys the things I do and laughs at the same things�someone who reads my mind. I need my true soulmate, my true love. These were things I never dared dream of because I never thought it would happen to me. And at last, maybe, just maybe, it has.

But what do I do when my true love's heart belongs to someone else? Go back inside my shell like my turtles? As least my turtles have each other, yet I would be alone.

Do I then violate my own rules and settle for something less than the dream? It makes me wonder� Is there a middle ground for happiness and is that what my true love has chosen? Is that what most people find? A part of the dream as opposed to the whole?

My brother seems to think so, and he knows a lot more about these matters than I. Maybe I'm just too idealistic, but I don't want to settle. I want it all. But what other choice do I have if I can't have the one that is made for me?

There seems to be no clear-cut path, no easy answers. Is it better to have found one's soulmate even if you cannot be with them? Or to never have looked? Is it better to risk more pain to know the truth? Or should I have simply stayed in my shell and never risked at all? Knowing what I now know about love, is it possible to go back? To forget? This is my dilemma."

Sam couldn't believe his eyes. He wasn't vain enough to be certain that he was the "true love" she spoke of. After all, this could apply to her friend Rob as well as to him. But, he reasoned, she had named that penguin Sam, not Rob. If she was talking about him, it was clear they did share the same feelings. She was only seventeen, but her feelings for this "soulmate" were no crush. She felt the same thing towards whoever it was as Sam felt for her: that they were meant for each other.

Somehow, he felt she'd read his mind again, writing what he needed to know: reassuring him about her feelings without saying anything directly.

In light of everything that had transpired today, he wondered if he could convince Josie to stay out of her shell. He knew it wouldn't be easy. But somehow after reading what she'd written, he felt a little glimmer of hope. All he had to do was figure out how to approach her before she changed her mind and "settled" for someone else. He only hoped that he hadn't waited too long already, because he feared that once she turned away from him, it would be the end of everything for both of them.

In spite of the difficult day, sleep came easily to Sam. At last, he was a little more sure of Josie's feelings� And he'd found a little faith along the way, too: faith in their future together.

* * *

Josie spent most of the evening talking with Rob. He came in for dinner when he brought her home.

By the end of the evening she was exhausted but convinced that Rob was right about where her focus needed to be: on her story. She was yawning now, hoping that he'd get the hint and go home.

"Josie, there's one more thing you need to do for me."

"Oh God, Rob, what? I'm so tired� Can't it wait?"

"I don't mean now, Josie. I mean as part of my plan. Coach Romano told me today that he wants me to be captain of the student softball team� You know, the Teachers vs. Students game on Thursday?"

Josie shook her head.

"Where have you been, Josie!? It's a fundraiser thing for the Prom. Anyway, I'm the Captain and," he hesitated, "I put you on my roster as my catcher."

"No, Rob. I'm not doing that!"

"C'mon, Josie you have to! It's part of my plan. You're a great catcher� And you do it for the Sun-Times all the time. You were All-American at Northwestern. You're my ringer! And plus�I'm pitching. I can't play my regular position; it's a rule that baseball players can only play if they aren't at their regular spots. You and I are great together, you know that!"

"But Rob, I hurt my arm today," Josie said, rubbing her bruised forearm for effect.

"I'll tape it for you and put padding on it� You'll be fine. I'll tape it up just like my knee. It's just bruised that's all. And besides, you heal fast and you know what they say, no pain, no gain! I know you're tougher than that, Josephine!"

Josie rolled her eyes. "Can't you get somebody else? Please?"

"No, Josie, you have to� You'll be great! This is something that will help both of us. The only thing is�we have to practice tomorrow from sixth period on, so you'd have to miss that class."

Josie shook her head vehemently. "Rob, that's Mr. Coulson's class�I'm not missing Mr. Coulson's class."

Rob gave her a dirty look. "Jos�"

Josie thought about it for a moment. She wasn't so sure she wanted to see Sam so soon after the fiasco this afternoon anyway. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all and she and Rob were sensational together�

Josie knew she could be strong, but somehow Sam had a way of breaking through her defenses. If she could stay away from him for a few days, it would certainly help her to distance herself from him emotionally�she hoped.

"Okay, I'll do it�but only if you put Aldys on the team, too. And you have to tell Mr. Coulson we won't be in his class."

Rob squinted at her. "Sure, I'll tell Mr. Coulson�I have to take him my roster anyway. Besides, I want to have a little talk with him."

Josie glared at him.

"I won't tell him anything, Jos; don't worry. My lips are sealed. The big question is: can Aldys play?"

"I don't know if she can play softball, but I do know this: she can run, Rob. She's a fast runner. You could have her in as a pinch runner for me. You know how slow I am - Gus always uses a pinch runner for me in the last inning of the Sun-Times games. She's smart, too. Maybe she could help you somehow; strategize or something."

"Okay�but she'd better be fast. Oh, and Guy's playing shortstop. I almost forgot that. So he'll be there too. So act friendly, Josie!"

"I will, Rob. I like Guy. It'll be fine." She smiled at him. "I'll be fine, thanks to you. Why do you have to take Mr. Coulson the roster? Isn't that what you said?"

He figured she was in a better mood now so he'd let her know the catch. "Well, um, Mr. Coulson is captain of the Teachers' team, so he'll be playing, too. I'm not sure what position. We'll exchange rosters tomorrow." He peeked at Josie after he said it, waiting for the explosion.

But Josie looked stronger now, more like her old self. "No problem, Rob. I'll handle it."

Rob smiled at her. "That a girl! You'll be fine. We'll kick their butts with you as my catcher! They'll never know what hit 'em!"

* * *

Sam spent the next morning anticipating seeing Josie again. It was hard to keep his mind focused on his classes, but he managed to do it without daydreaming too much. He looked at his watch, realizing that it was almost time for Josie to eat lunch. He figured he'd give his juniors an open book quiz to work on and go look for Josie. He decided that he couldn't wait until sixth period.

After handing out the quiz, he headed for the cafeteria, but saw no sign of Josie. He wondered whether she had come to school that day, since he hadn't seen her in the halls. As he was walking back to his class, he passed by the music room. It didn't look like anyone was in the room, but then he heard someone playing the guitar and singing. Something told him to stop and look in the window. Sam felt his heart sink as he realized that the person singing was Guy Perkins. And he was singing to Josie, obviously singing a song he had written for her. And they were clearly alone in the room, just the two of them.

Sam could make out some of the words, the chorus being something about 'A Girl Named Happiness'. And then he looked at Josie's face. She looked radiantly happy. He could tell that what Guy was singing to her really touched her heart. It was written all over her beautiful expressive face. She looked so pretty, Sam thought to himself. Guy had done something to make her smile like that and all Sam had done was embarrass and hurt her.

He felt all his hopes fading away with each verse and it didn't help to see how much effort Guy had obviously put into writing this song for her. It was a beautiful song, Sam realized, wishing he'd been the one to write it and sing it to her. It all boiled down to the fact that Guy had done something to deserve her love while Sam had failed at every turn. He knew that Guy couldn't be the one she'd referred to as her true love, but he was afraid that maybe she'd decided she'd be happy settling for Guy. He was her age, after all, and he obviously cared for her.

As Guy finished singing, Sam realized he should go back to his classroom and stop spying on them. When he saw Josie step up to hug Guy, he knew he couldn't take any more and he dragged himself back to his job. His class was almost over, so he collected the quizzes and put them in his briefcase, giving his students their assignment for the next day. As the last student filed out, he rested his head in his hands. He had his own lunch break ahead of him. Plenty of time to be miserable, he thought to himself.

He didn't hear his visitor come in the door. Rob stood at the side of his desk and cleared his throat. Sam looked up, startled to see Rob standing in front of him. He couldn't imagine what Rob would want with him, and briefly wondered if he was going to chew him out about hurting Josie. He knew he deserved it.

"Hi, Mr. Coulson, I'm Rob." Rob squinted at him. He sounded friendly enough Sam realized, but there was something about his manner that was guarded. Suddenly Sam realized what Rob was doing.

'He's sizing me up,' he thought to himself. 'Maybe this kid does have romantic feelings for Josie.' All he needed was another rival, he thought dejectedly.

"Hi, Rob. What can I do for you?"

Rob noticed that Mr. Coulson looked a little sad and he figured it had something to do with Josie. He knew that what he was about to tell him probably wouldn't help either.

"Coach Romano asked me to be the Captain for the students in the softball game tomorrow. He said I should give you my roster, so here it is."

Rob started to hand his list to Sam, but hesitated. "Of course, I'll need to see yours, too," he said suspiciously, pulling his list back against his chest as if Sam were about to snatch it away.

"Oh sure, Rob." Sam breathed a sigh of relief. This would explain the sense of being sized up that he had felt earlier. "Mine's in the drawer here," Sam opened the top drawer of his desk and took out his list, offering it to Rob.

Rob took Sam's list in hand, looked at it briefly, and then handed his own list to Sam as if he were handling some kind of top-secret military strategy. Sam tried not to smile at Rob as he took the list from him.

"Thanks Rob." Sam took it and studied it seriously for a minute. Something caught his attention and his eyes opened wide.

'Uh oh, here it comes,' Rob thought to himself. He waited expectantly, smiling at Sam innocently.

"Rob, this says your catcher is J. Geller. That's not Josie�is it?"

"Yeah, it's Josie. She's an awesome catcher, didn't you know that?" he asked staring at Mr. Coulson, feigning ignorance. Rob knew full well that Sam had no idea what he was up against with his sister.

"What?" Sam looked at Rob like he was from Mars. "She's what?"

Now Rob knew he had what he liked best: an attentive audience. And this time he didn't have to embellish his story. He knew the truth would do just fine. If anything, he'd have to understate it. After all, she'd started all four years as a Northwestern Wildcat and been named Most Valuable Player the last two years.

"She's a great catcher. She played baseball until she was twelve, then fast pitch softball. Until she was twelve, she was the only girl on her team. She has faster reactions than any catcher I've ever played with. Nobody covers the plate like Josie. And she has a rocket arm. Nobody steals on her. She's unbelievable. Just wait until you see her. And she can smack the ball, too�no pitcher gets by her. She's my leadoff hitter. Really, I'd have to say that Josie is my secret weapon," he gloated.

Sam stared at Rob with his mouth open. Rob was just getting warmed up.

"Oh, and I wrote Aldy's name in there at the bottom. You know Aldys Wells?"

All Sam could do was nod.

"I'm using her as my pinch runner and assistant. Anyway, nobody's a smarter, tougher catcher than Josie. And with Aldys' speed and both of their brainpower, we're all set. And that's part of what I wanted to tell you. I need to have a practice today during sixth period so Aldys, Josie and Guy won't be in your class. They asked me to tell you for them. Guy's my shortstop. Josie and I have played together, but I have to get her and Guy used to each other before the game. No offense to your class, but I need to prepare my troops for battle, you know?" Rob noticed with a bit of satisfaction that Sam had that jealous look on his face the minute he mentioned Guy.

'Wow,' Rob thought to himself. 'I was right�as usual!' He smiled at Sam and squinted. "Is that okay, Mr. Coulson?"

"Sure, that's fine," Sam mumbled. He found himself liking Rob in spite of himself. There was something about Rob that sort of grew on him, although he couldn't figure out what it was yet. Rob was definitely likable in a weird sort of way. He realized that Rob was indeed sizing him up as a sports rival rather than as a romantic one, at least so far. Still, he wondered what Josie may or may not have told him about what happened with Lara yesterday.

"Rob, what about Josie's arm? She hurt it yesterday. Are you sure she'll be okay to play?" Sam wanted to find out how Josie was and he figured Rob was a good source.

"I think she'll be fine. I'm going to tape and pad it for her today and we'll see during practice. I told her no pain, no gain."

Sam raised his eyebrows at that.

"Don't worry�she heals fast. She has experience playing hurt anyway, but I think it'll be okay. I wouldn't ask her to play if I didn't believe that." Rob studied Sam's face. He sure looked concerned about his sister. It wouldn't hurt to be nice to the guy and give him a break, Rob realized. After all, this could be his future brother-in-law.

"Josie has the ability to pick up and go on no matter what, Mr. Coulson. She just makes up her mind to do something and that's it. She's bounced back from much worse than this. She decides to be happy and she puts all the bad stuff in the past. She's really, well, spunky, if you know what I mean."

Sam knew Rob was talking about more than just the arm now. And for some reason, he felt like he could trust Rob.

"I�um, yesterday something happened that I think she misunderstood," he started hesitantly.

Rob stared at him and this time he didn't squint and he didn't smile. "I know," he said quietly. "I tried to tell her that she probably had misunderstood, but she wouldn't believe me."

Sam's eyes opened wide. Rob was saying he was on his side, he realized. He had actually taken his side when it came to Josie.

"But she's all right now, she really is; and she knows what she needs to do. She's strong, Mr. Coulson. You can explain it to her when the time is right. Josie has things she needs to do: goals she's set for herself. She's made up her mind now to be happy and do what's necessary to make that happen. Just wait until you see her play. You'll see what I mean. Nobody is more determined than Josie once she sets her mind on something. She's really an amazing person."

Sam nodded and said quietly, "I know she is, Rob."

Rob hesitated. "Right now she's got a job to do and so do you. My job is to make sure we win this game. No offense, sir, but for Josie's sake and mine, we're going to have to beat you."

"No offense taken, Rob. We'll do our best to give you a little competition." Sam smiled a little in spite of himself.

Rob smiled back. "And everything will be fine otherwise. Just give it a little time. Believe me. I've known her forever. She's the best friend I ever had. It'll work out."

Sam didn't know why, but for some reason he believed Rob and appreciated the unexpected show of support. He had one more thing he wanted to ask in light of all this new information.

"Rob, one more thing�"

Rob looked at him expectantly.

"She doesn't play hockey too, does she?"

Rob gave him a confused smile. "Not that I know of, Mr. Coulson, why?"

"No reason, Rob, just thought I'd ask."

* * *

To be continued�

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