**disclaimer** yes!! They're mine, all mine, Josie, Sam, Gus Anita, Merkin all belong to me!! Hahaha! Yeah, and I'm Britney–freaking-Spears, too. No, they are not mine. Darn!
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"Merkin, I want my couch back." I clench my teeth tightly. This broad is rapidly wearing down my Merkin nerves.
"Look, Rhoda. We agreed that you would pay for the mover to get the heavy stuff out of my apartment. You haven't paid the Merkman his money yet, so you're not getting the couch until I have my money."
She narrows her eyes at me.
"Look, Howard…"
Okay. That sucks. No one uses my real name, not even my own mother. I loose my cool.
"Rhoda! The mover costs $100. I don't have that kind of extra cash right now. Pay me and then you'll get your damned ugly couch."
"Fine! Here's your lousy hundred bucks. I want my couch by Monday." She begins walking away and then turns around menacingly. "And, by the way, if you weren't a secretary, you could afford an extra hundred bucks."
I cringe.
"I am not a secretary!"
She smirks and walks out of the office. Stupid woman, I've grown to loathe her.
Okay, freeze. Who, might you ask, is Rhoda? I'll tell you.
Rhoda is my ex girlfriend. We had four great months together before she began taking female empowerment classes. She turned into a raging feminist, I tell you! Man. So she stopped cooking, cleaning, made me do my own laundry, and decided that sex wasn't for unmarried couples. What a loser!
So, I dumped her man-hating butt. I mean…my friends were starting to ask questions. Hey, you gotta protect your rep, right? Gotta keep up your image.
She is a copy editor, too. We normally ignore one another. So, in the two months since our breakup, I have cooked for myself, hired a cleaning lady, and started going to the Laundromat again. And damn, am I ready for a new girlfriend.
I sigh, and look at the clock. Crap, it's almost seven. I am like, the last one here, and I clock in the overtime before heading out. I can pick up some Chinese and a movie on the way home. Have some ultra hip, Merkin "Me" time. And forget about Rhoda.
The next morning, I'm up bright and early to conduct my next few interviews. I stop by the office first and Strauss calls me into his office.
"Hello, Mr. Strauss, how are you?" I ask, sunnily. Hey, so what if you have to do a little brown nosing to get ahead?
"Merkin, just sit down. Now listen. This is Erline Bennett. She's your new assistant, she'll help you out and get you whatever you need. Pencils, note cards, coffee, whatever. She's from the temp agency."
Great, Merkin has a secretary. Oh yeah. I'm moving on up again. I notice there is some small brunette sitting in a chair. Tiny little thing.
"Hey, what's up? I'm Merkin." I raise my thumb and index finger into a pistol and pull the proverbial trigger. Saw it in a movie once.
"I know, I've heard all about you." She doesn't make that sound like a good thing and I frown. Hey now, no negative energy in Merkville.
"Good. Well, let's go then. We have two interviews today and then one tomorrow and after that I gots to get to writing, you know?"
Erline (What a strange freaking name. Is it Southern?) gives me a borderline dirty look. Well. Only two words will sum this up.
She sucks.
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