* * *
Josie had just made it home when the storm rolled in. Because of the weather, her commute took twice as long and it was already 6:00. The clouds made the sky a dark, steely gray. She heard rumblings of thunder in the distance and flashes of lightning. She smiled a little, thinking that the weather matched her mood: dark and depressing.
She turned the hallway light on and walked aimlessly into the living room. Looking around at her darkened apartment, she decided to build a fire and settle in for the night.
After getting the fire going in the fireplace, Josie went into her bedroom and dressed in her favorite Friday night outfit: of a pair of black leggings and her father's old blue dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up. She combed out her curly hair so it fell in soft waves around her face.
After retreating into the kitchen and pouring a glass of wine, Josie returned to the family room and decided that she was in the mood for an old black and white movie. She picked up the remote and was disappointed when all she could see on her TV was snow. It looked like the cable was out.
Sighing, she turned off the television and decided to instead snuggle up to a good book. She needed to get her mind off of Sam and the horrible predicament she'd put him in. She picked up a book called The Mists of Avalon, knowing she could quickly lose herself in it.
Normally Josie liked more of the "classic" books, but she was a lover of Arthurian legend, and this book had a unique point of view: It was told from the viewpoint of Arthur's sister, Morgaine. Josie found herself easily able to identify with the character of Morgaine. Morgaine, like Josie, had never been considered beautiful, and in fact, had been a bit of an outcast. As Josie read of Morgaine's first glimpse of her mentor's son, Lancelet, it instantly brought to mind Sam in his prom costume. The description (except for the dark hair) could have been written for Sam, they sounded so alike.
As Morgaine and Lancelet shared a sunny afternoon together not quite admitting their feelings for each other, Josie remembered the feeling of being held in Sam's arms at the prom, his eyes glowing with unspoken emotion.
And then suddenly, the idyllic moment for the two characters was ruined by the introduction of a stunning young woman lost in the marshes: Gwenhwyfar. A bad taste formed in Josie's mouth as she recalled what must have been the same feeling Morgaine had. The sudden appearance of "Guenivere" at the prom had been as unwelcome to Josie as it had been for Morgaine in the book.
Sighing, she closed the book and set it aside. Every page reminded her more and more of Sam instead of taking her mind off of him. Her mind was very unsettled and she felt like she would burst from the pressure of keeping her secrets from the man she loved.
Finally, she made a decision. No matter what Sam thought of her, she needed to tell him the truth. She owed it to him. 'I have to make things right,' she thought.
Taking another sip of her wine, she got up off the couch and walked over to her desk, where she pulled several sheets of stationery out of the top drawer. She sat down at the desk and stared at the blank sheets.
Getting back up, she walked over to the mantle and lit a couple of hurricane lamps to further illuminate the room. Then she grabbed a fat round candle in a glass jar. Setting it on the corner of her desk, she lit the wick. Often times when she had soul searching to do, she would sit as her desk just like this, use a candle for light, and pour her heart out onto paper.
Sitting down once again, Josie exhaled deeply before saying to herself, 'He has to know.' She looked back down at the paper and began to write.
* * *
The weather had become more and more severe throughout the evening, but Josie didn't notice. Once she began writing to Sam, everything else around her seemed to fade away. All the feelings that had been trapped inside for so long needed to come out. Finally, she was able to be honest and tell Sam the truth: that she was twenty-five years old. She had lied to him. And�that she was in love with him.
Just as she finished her admission to the man she loved in a letter, a loud clap of thunder and almost instantaneous flash of lightning made her jump. Looking around, she noticed the kitchen light was off and the clock on her VCR was blank.
The electricity was out.
Smiling grimly to herself, Josie remembered how thunderstorms had scared her as a child. Now, they no longer scared her, but in fact felt almost comforting. Tonight it seemed especially so, the storm allowing Josie's own storm of emotions to come out on paper.
Looking back down at her letter, Josie read it once again, visualizing in her mind how Sam would react if he ever read it. She knew she had to tell him the truth, and that it needed to be face-to-face, not in a letter, but writing the letter was a necessary outlet for her building emotions. Becoming immersed in the emotions of her letter once again, Josie barely noticed the sound of someone knocking at her front door. As the knocking continued and became slightly louder, she turned her head to acknowledge the sound.
Walking slowly through the darkened kitchen hallway to the apartment door, Josie wondered who in their right mind would be stopping by for a visit in this horrible storm. Figuring it was probably Rob; she opened the door. Suddenly Josie gasped in shock and surprise when a bright white flash of lightning illuminated the man standing before her.
It was Sam. He was soaked to the skin from head to toe, as if he'd been out walking in the storm. In his left hand he held several pieces of paper that looked like they could have been computer printouts, but at this point they were just as soaking wet as he was.
His intense green eyes locked on hers and she was momentarily speechless at the turbulent emotions she found there. Several tense moments passed as they stared at each other. The only sounds were of the storm, their harsh breathing, and the drops of water cascading onto Josie's kitchen floor from Sam's body.
"S...Mr. Coulson!" she gasped at last. "What are you�?"
Sam didn't let her finish. His jaw tightened and he said quietly, a finality to his voice, "I know, Josie. I know everything."
Josie prayed she hadn't heard him right. "You�you know�what?" she managed to say in response.
Without answering, Sam invited himself in, walking past her into her dark apartment to stand before the fire, his back to her.
Feeling her pulse rate accelerate, she shakily closed the front door and followed him, not fully prepared for the discussion she knew she was about to have. This time there was no doubt in her mind. He knew.
Josie stood for a moment just behind Sam, wanting to say something, but not knowing what to say. In the end, she simply waited for him to start talking, as she knew he would. Finally, he slowly turned around and Josie immediately connected with his hurt, angry eyes. His face was tense and full of anguish.
"My friend Adam�" he began, barely in a whisper, "�was concerned about me. Concerned about what happened. So he did some checking."
Josie felt like the words were coming out of his mouth in slow motion. Panic began to rise in her throat. She didn't want to hear what he was going to tell her, but she felt rooted to the spot, unable to move.
"H...he told me that, on a hunch, he had contacted the school in Scranton, the school where your transcript was supposed to have come from. They didn't know who you were."
Josie nodded slowly, tears beginning to fill her eyes.
"S�so when I got home� I� I didn't know what to think. I didn't want to believe it. I got on the Internet, and just for the heck of it, I did a search on your name." Sam looked down at the floor. "And I found this." He lifted his gaze back to hers and held out the printout.
Shaking, Josie slowly reached over and took the pieces of paper from his hand. Although the ink had run badly, Josie instantly recognized a picture of herself and the headline of a small newspaper article: "Northwestern Valedictorian Named Youngest Sun-Times Copy Editor."
"I can explain," she said quietly. Tears rolled slowly down her face.
Sam shook his head slowly. "You lied to me!" he cried out. "All this time, I thought you were different� That you were special� That you were a genuine person� and�and�"
Josie reached out to him but he backed away. In that moment, she felt her heart starting to break. The hurt and betrayed expression on Sam's face was worse than anything she could have imagined.
"Sam, please... Please, listen to me," she begged, holding her arms out toward him beseechingly.
Sam flinched slightly at hearing her say his name.
"I really don't think anything you have to say is going to make one bit of difference. I put my job on the line for you. Thinking you were�in trouble�an innocent student! And all this time�you were lying to me!"
"Sam�" Josie choked out.
"No!" he bellowed, slashing his hand through the air to quiet her. "I know it's true. I called the Sun-Times, Josie!"
Josie winced at his show of anger, as well as at the knowledge that he'd taken that step.
"That's right! I asked for you there, and some guy named Merkin said you were away working on some 'big undercover assignment'� an expose! It wasn't hard to figure out what 'expose' you were working on! This was all part of your plan, wasn't it? Did you always plan to get me fired, Josie? Or did it just come to you in a moment of inspiration?" Sam spat out acidly, scowling.
Josie tried to place a comforting hand on his forearm. Sam pulled his arm away as if she'd burned him. She begged, "No, please, you have to listen to me! I never intended for any of this to happen! I swear!"
Sam repeatedly shook his head back and forth, as if refusing her request. He turned his back to her again and faced the fireplace.
Every second that ticked by, Josie could feel Sam pulling farther and farther away from her. She tried desperately to make him understand. "This was my very first writing assignment! I was supposed to go in as a student and do a story on high school kids today. When I couldn't find anything that I could really sink my teeth into� Well, that's when my boss told me I had to focus on you and our relationship. But, I told him I couldn't do it!"
Sam looked over his shoulder and glared at her. "You expect me to believe that?"
"Sam, I realize what this looks like, but� You have to believe me! It's the truth! My boss thought we were starting to have feelings for each other and he tried to make me manipulate that for a story."
Sam's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Why would he think we had feelings for each other? What was he basing that on?"
Josie knew what she was about to say would only make matters worse, but she had no choice; she was going to be honest. "Because I was wearing a wire and a camera."
She saw Sam's body shudder as he turned to face the fireplace once again. "I had no choice! I screwed up on scooping a big story, and he didn't trust me to find my own story after that! I did everything I could to find something else... and I didn't want to hurt you... You've been so wonderful to me. And then the whole thing happened after the prom, and then with the principal�and, well� I wanted to tell you so many times, even knowing it could cost me my job, but there never was a good time."
Sam turned around slowly and locked eyes with Josie. "So this whole time you let me torture myself, thinking I was going against everything I believed in, falling for one of my seventeen year old students, when in fact, you were really a 25 year old undercover reporter?" Sam snorted in disbelief. "A 25 year old reporter planning to expose me."
Josie's heart stopped momentarily once what he had revealed sunk in. "You� you were falling for me?"
"I said I was. Now I know how manipulative you really are. You're no better than Lara! In fact, you're worse! I didn't think that was possible! Boy, did I get played for a fool."
With Sam's admission of his growing feelings for her, suddenly the stakes were much higher. It seemed that not only would Josie lose Sam as a friend, she could be losing the love of her life�the one she was meant to be with. "Sam, please; listen to me." Josie stepped a little closer to Sam and took a deep breath. "I worked so hard to get a shot at writing, and this was my first big assignment. I was always just a copy editor, but dreamed of writing�and this was to be my big chance. But you have to believe me, I wanted to give it all up at the first mention of making any of this about you." She cleared her throat before continuing, and looked down at the floor.
"Sam� I�I care so much about you." She looked back up shyly, afraid to meet his eyes. "I never in a million years wanted to hurt you�"
"Really," Sam said curtly. "So, Josie� Does caring about someone mean lying to him repeatedly for weeks? Does it mean watching him almost get fired from his job while you sit by and do nothing? A job he loves and has worked so hard to get?"
His jaw clenched once again as he forced out, "Does it mean trying to seduce him when he's vulnerable? I bet you set the whole prom thing up, didn't you?"
Josie kept shaking her head back and forth at his hurtful words while more tears fell down her face. She wanted to deny it, but she couldn't get the words out.
"You weren't going to tell me anything, Josie. Admit it! You were going to wait until the very end, until you had your article and I was fired from my job. Just admit it!"
"It's not true!" she cried. "Here, I can prove it!" She turned and reached for the letter she had just written to Sam, and deposited the soggy computer printout in its place. She turned back and tried to hand it to him, but he wouldn't take it. "Please! Please, take it Sam. Read it! You'll know everything if you just read it!" She was now almost sobbing.
Even though his heart ached from the sight of Josie in tears, he forced the tenderness from his mind. "Every word out of your mouth has been a complete lie. Why should anything in that letter make one bit of difference?"
"Please, Sam�" she looked up at him with her teary eyes. She took a step closer to him; they were almost touching. Her voice choked with tears, she whispered, "I think I'm in love with you."
Josie watched as the color drained from Sam's face. He stood motionless for a moment, absorbing what she just said. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he looked her squarely in the eye. "You love me?"
Josie, trapped in Sam's smoldering eyes, barely nodded.
Then, before she even knew what was happening, Sam abruptly pulled Josie into his arms and hungrily brought his mouth down to hers, kissing her with such intensity that it nearly took her breath away. His arms wrapped around her and his hand traveled to the back of her head, as if trying to bring her closer to him, feeding his hunger.
Josie had imagined how being kissed would affect her, but she'd never come close to this in her dreams. Everything around her began to fade away as this man whom she loved wrapped her with his warmth. She responded to his kiss with all the feeling that was inside of her. Somehow, her arms slipped beneath the lapels of his jacket and wrapped themselves around him. The fingers of her left hand drew abstract patterns on his back while her right hand, which held her letter, clutched at his shirt. The wetness from his clothing soaked into hers, but she didn't notice. All she could feel was the heat of his body being pressed against her.
As forceful and punishing as the kiss began, once Josie responded to Sam's advances, his embrace softened, becoming even more seductive. Sam felt as if he were drowning in Josie's kiss�as if he was meant to kiss her like this, as if he were alive for the first time in his life, and he never wanted the feeling to stop. Over and over again, their lips and tongues touched as they melted into each other.
Sam broke the contact long enough to lower his face to Josie's neck. She moaned quietly as Sam continued his sensual assault down her neck and then up to nibble on her ear. Her breathy moans made him shiver. His dreams of her could never compare to this.
Josie was lost in Sam's hunger for her. She was completely unaware of anything around her, she was only aware of Sam and the amazing feelings swirling around inside her. So caught up was Josie in the 'rightness' of Sam's kiss, she didn't mind when Sam's hands began to slowly travel down from her hair to rest on either side of her breasts. When she didn't protest, Sam continued to kiss her over and over again while his hands gently skimmed across her breasts. A jolt of electricity shot through Josie from his touch and she gasped against his lips and held onto Sam for dear life. She felt as if her knees were now made out of water and he was her only lifeline.
Suddenly, Sam froze and pulled back. He pushed a shaking hand through his hair and panted for breath. What had started as an impulse, and maybe even as a punishment for Josie had ended up trapping and sucking him into the vortex of emotion and desire he felt for her deep inside. Sam cursed his own weakness and felt his stomach turn sour. He didn't want to feel love and passion for Josie Geller�he wanted to hate her. What the hell was wrong with him? Even knowing what a scheming fraud she was, he still couldn't resist her!?
Meanwhile, Josie felt as if she were floating on a cloud. Her eyes were still closed and both of her hands rested against Sam's chest. She said dreamily, "Wow. That was amazing."
"You liked that?" There was a tone in his voice that Josie didn't recognize. She opened her eyes and slowly focused on his pained expression, quickly turning hard. Still, she saw the glimmer of tears in his eyes.
Sam's irrational anger at himself and Josie combined with a healthy dose of self- disgust made him shut down emotionally. The only way he could survive this moment was to close his heart off to everything he was feeling. Otherwise the agonized expression on Josie's face would tear him to pieces. But he knew that he couldn't allow her to make him believe her. He couldn't be played for a fool a second time. He didn't think he could stand it.
"I'm glad you liked that, Josie," he said coolly.
Josie shivered from the frosty tone of Sam's voice, and even took a step backward in shock.
Sam continued in a cold, mocking tone, "That was quite a kiss, I'll admit. But don't bother getting used to it�because that was the first and last kiss�or anything else�you'll ever get from me."
Josie stared into Sam's eyes, trying to find a glimpse of�anything. But there was nothing: no feeling, no emotions, not even anger. It was like she meant nothing at all to him. He didn't even care enough about her to be angry.
Josie suddenly felt the chill from her damp clothing�and from Sam's cold stare. A loud clap of thunder made her jump, and she wrapped her arms tightly around herself for comfort.
Sam retrieved his printouts from Josie's slack hand and shoved the pages into his interior coat pocket. Then, without another word, he turned on his heel, pulled open the door to leave, and walked out into the night, leaving Josie standing alone and shivering in her darkened apartment.
Hot, silent tears rolled down her cheeks, and her breath began to come in sobs. Josie couldn't believe it was ending like this. It was worse than her worst nightmare. Now that he'd kissed her, she knew without a doubt that this was the man she'd been waiting for her whole life: the one she was meant to be with. She felt it in every fiber of her being.
And now, because of what she'd done�and more importantly not done�he was gone�for good.
* * *