* * *
A YEAR LATER
Josie and Caroline walked into the production office of Maiden Films where Caroline had an interview with the cast of their current movie. Caroline had asked Josie along because it was to be an informal interview, and most of her time was going to be spent waiting for the actors to be done with their scenes before she could talk to them. They went up to the receptionist, who didn't look up when they stood in front of her desk.
"Excuse me, I have an appointment."
The girl looked up blankly. "Name." She stated, not bothering to make it sound like a question.
"Caroline Spenser from Premier Magazine." Caroline responded.
The girl looked through her appointment book, then picked up the phone and asked someone to come retrieve the reporters. "Someone will be out to get you in a minute." She said rudely.
Caroline rolled her eyes at Josie as they sat one the couch in the office. "I bet she's an aspiring actress, bitter because she has to answer phones and no one will give her a break. So close to the movies and yet, so far." she whispered.
Josie giggled and the girl looked up at them with a glare.
Minutes later they were on the set. There was a scene in progress, so they had to stay quiet until the director yelled 'cut'.
"Do you know who's in this movie?" Josie asked.
"I was told it's a bunch of newcomers. My editor said she read the script and it was great so she wanted to get a jump on the story. I have a cast list and I didn't recognize any of the names."
"Oh." Josie said, looking around. "I was hoping we'd be meeting Brad Pitt or something."
"You and Brad Pitt!" Caroline said, laughing. "Sorry to disappoint you."
"I'm not disappointed--" she stopped talking suddenly.
"What?" Caroline asked, following Josie's gaze.
"Jillian."
"Where?"
"Over there, by the director."
At that moment Jillian looked up and saw Josie. Her heart felt like it leapt into her throat. She glanced around Josie, looking for Sam, but didn't see him. Jillian didn't know if Sam had ever told Josie of what had happened-almost happened-the night of his bachelor party, and she couldn't tell from Josie's expression.
Caroline leaned over. "Are you all right?" she asked.
Josie nodded. "I thought she went back to England."
"I'd hoped." Caroline said.
A knot grew in Josie's stomach. She hadn't thought of Jillian in months.
"She's coming over here." Josie said.
"I'll handle her." Caroline said.
"Hi." Jillian said as she stopped in front of them. "What a surprise. What brings you two to the set of Little Dreamer?" To Caroline and Josie she seemed the same old Jillian, friendly, amiable, smile on her face.
"Premier Magazine." Caroline answered simply. "Are you part of the cast?"
"I am." Jillian said brightly.
"I didn't see your name in my cast list."
"Well, you wouldn't have. I changed it. Well, my manager changed it. It's Jill Fairhaven now. Fairhaven is my married name."
"Why?" Josie asked.
Jillian shrugged. "A little more American, I guess." She looked at the expressions on their faces. "I'm sorry it was such a shock for the both of you. If you'd prefer I'll stay out of your interview. I'll let the magazine know that it was a personal crisis or something."
"That's not necessary. I can put my feelings for you aside and be professional." Caroline said.
"And you, Josie?"
Josie rose her gaze from her feet to Jillian's face. "I'm fine."
"Yes, well, you don't seem fine. If it would make you feel better--"
"Please, Jillian, or Jill or whatever your name is now! Stop being so accommodating to me! There is no need to walk on eggshells. I am fine. I said I was and I am. All right?"
Jillian nodded and walked away. She felt the tears brimming in her eyes. She was pretty positive now that Sam had told her. And suddenly she realized that she hadn't even noticed whether Josie had a wedding band on or not.
* * *
Caroline squeezed Josie's hand when the interview was through. "You okay?" she asked.
Josie nodded. "I think it's good that we saw her. That I saw her."
"You think so?"
"Yes. You know what? There's something I have to do before we go. I'll be back." Before Caroline could object, Josie walked away. She went out the side door and found Jillian's trailer. Her name was on the door, her new name. "Jill Fairhaven." Josie said out loud. She knocked on the door.
Jillian opened it, surprised to see Josie. "Hello."
"I think we need to talk." Josie said.
"You do?"
"May I come in?"
Jillian nodded, moving from the doorway to let Josie in. Josie looked around the tiny trailer. There were magazines piled on every surface, clothes strewn about, makeup, shoes, and jewelry everywhere. "Pardon the mess. It's hard keeping it clean."
Josie shrugged and sat in a chair. Jillian sat beside her, moving the chair a foot to the right so that she wasn't as close to Josie. She looked at Josie's folded hands, noticed the wedding band and sighed.
Josie followed her gaze. "Yeah, you didn't completely ruin everything..." she said venomously.
"That was never my intention, Josie."
"What were your intentions?"
"I had none until Sam kissed me. I fought off all of my feelings. I even told you about them, remember?"
"Sam told me about the night of the bachelor party. It took him six months to tell me, but he finally did."
"I figured."
"I left him."
"What?! Oh god, Josie, I am so sorry."
Josie glared at her. "Don't get your hopes up. We are not getting divorced, not because of you. We have worked this little problem out. I just wanted to give you this." She pulled a large manila envelope out of her shoulder bag. "I've been carrying those letters around for four months, ever since Sam moved back in. They belong to you."
Jillian looked in the envelope. "These are the letters that I wrote to Sam when I went back to England after high school."
"Yep. They're yours now. Sam wanted you to have them. He asked me to mail them to you, and I just sort of held on to them. I guess this is why. For some reason I knew I'd see you again. There is a letter he wrote to you that explains everything."
Jillian looked up at Josie, her eyes tearful. "I am so sorry, Josie. I never meant to upset things so much."
"To be fair, I will admit that it was not all your fault. Sam is as much, if not more, to blame. And I won't make any excuses for him, but he realized that I am the one he is really in love with, and you...Well, you are a fantasy. Tall, beautiful, star of stage and screen. But none of that was enough. He explains that in his letter."
"I wish things were different. I wish we could be friends..."
"Sometimes I wish that, too. But then I get this picture in my head, this terrible picture of you and Sam...kissing. And it makes me want to throw up." Josie had been calm up to this point, but her eyes started watering. "The only thing that I can thank you for at all is for the fact that you didn't let things go too far."
"God, I am so sorry." Jillian was crying freely now, but Josie had gained her composure. She stood up and took a step toward the door.
"'Bye, Jill." She walked out and closed the door. Jillian ran to the door and stepped out onto the stairs.
"Josie!" She called. Josie stopped and turned around. Jillian walked over to her. "Good-bye." She gave Josie a hug and ran tearfully back to her trailer.
Josie found Caroline waiting for her in the production office. They didn't speak until they'd reached Caroline's car.
"So?" Caroline asked.
"Now I have the closure I needed. Now I want to go home to my husband, and start fresh."
"I will take you there." Caroline said, starting the car and driving away from the set. Josie looked back at the building once, and said a silent goodbye to the past that had reared its ugly head. She wanted to focus on the future from now on.
* * *
August 1,
2001
Dear Jillian Elizabeth,
In all honesty I am not sure how to begin this letter, and I have no idea when or how I will get it to you. There is so much to be said, and yet I can't come up with a single word to begin it. Pretty sad for an English teacher, wouldn't you say?
I guess I'll begin at, well, the beginning. I will apologize up front for any overly emotional statements. This is a very important letter and I don't want to leave a single thing out. When Josie and I saw you in Hamlet so many months ago, when you came out of that backstage door...I was floored. I was hit with feelings that I hadn't had in years and honestly didn't want to be feeling. You were everything to me for so long, for years after we'd stopped writing. I told you that for a long time I compared Lara to you, something she never appreciated (and I don't blame her). In fact, I compared everyone to you.
Until Josie. Josie is everything you were and everything you weren't. It was like she was created for me, out of my brain. Even though I thought she was seventeen when I met her, I was in love with her, almost instantly. To me, she looks the way a woman should look, dresses the way a woman should dress, acts the way a woman should act. She's smarter than almost everyone I have ever met, she is kinder than anyone I've ever known, and she's got the biggest heart of anyone on the planet. Of this I am sure.
My point is that when you casually breezed back into my life it knocked my world off kilter. Everything was suddenly upside-down. Including me. I lived in torment, thinking that I was still in love with you, dreaming about you, daydreaming about you, fantasizing about you. When you would come over to our house I would find myself watching every move you made, just like when we were in high school. You were the epitome of perfection. And I thought that I had to have you.
So, after the roller coaster, after you telling me that you were in love with me again, after you said that you could never see me again, I think I sort of snapped. I thought that I had everything in perspective again, my world right side up, and you knocked it over again. You are the only person I have ever known that had been able to pull my entire foundation from beneath me and knock me on my ass. You have done it so many times! And, like an idiot, I kept going back for more.
And that is how I ended up on your doorstep the night of my bachelor party. I, in my drunken haze, had convinced myself that if I slept with you again that it would answer all the questions that had been plaguing me. I would then know whether it was you or Josie that I was more in love with. I don't know why I thought that sex was the answer, but I'm a guy, and most of the time we are pretty stupid. That night was me at my most stupid.
The fact that you were level headed about the whole scenario, that you pretty much threw me out, is admirable. But, it is also what forced me to right the situation. It could have been worse; we could have had sex. You could have taken total advantage of me, and I would have thought that I was taking advantage of you. You have incredible strength, Jillian. And that strength is what made me see just how weak I was. Was I just weak when it came to you? No, I was incredibly weak with Lara. I seem to have a past of women whom I thought hung the moon, and therefore they could do whatever they want regardless of how I feel. I can be a doormat. I admit it.
Well, not anymore. I walked all the way back to my house that night (15 miles!). I decided that I would tell Josie everything, but not until after we got married. The only thing that was suddenly absolutely clear was that I had found my soulmate and I was not going to lose her.
Josie and I got married on August 12, 2000. I won't hurt you with the details about how beautiful everything was...I'm not that cruel. I just want you to know that when I saw her walk down that aisle, I knew, without a doubt, that I had been a fool. I almost lost her and she didn't even realize it! Not until March 16, 2001, when I confessed. I told her that I had been afraid that I was in love with you, and about the whole bachelor party late night visit, and about the kiss at Navy Pier.
And do you know what she did? Exactly what I expected her to do. She left me. Nothing has ever hurt that much. Nothing. Without Josie I was lost. I was sick, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't sleep in our bed, I couldn't be in our house. If I was reminded of her in any way, smelled her perfume in the bathroom or saw a stray golden hair stuck to the couch, I'd burst into tears. I was a wreck. She didn't speak to me for a month.
Now, don't think I got off without a scolding. That is where Caroline and Rob came in. I'm sure you have seen in your few times of being in her company that Caroline does not hold back. And when it comes to Josie she is unstoppable. She came over to the house and yelled at me for, I swear, two hours straight. Calling me every name in the book. Calling you every name in the book. Telling me that "she hated me more that she thought possible to hate anyone because she had thought that I was different, that I wouldn't pull shit like all other guys". (I quoted that because I remember it verbatim; it hurt so much because it was true). Then came Rob's turn, and all he said was that he wanted to physically hurt me more than he has ever wanted to physically hurt anyone before, but he wouldn't. He said that if I was lucky enough to get Josie to forgive me than he would decide how he was going to punish me, because obviously being without Josie was punishment enough for now.
It took three more months, but Josie finally gave me another chance. She forgave me my faults, and accepted me again. And in case you are wondering, she didn't ask me to write this letter, but I am going to ask her to read it. I am writing this to get some closure.
Jillian, twelve years ago I loved you. Really loved you. One year ago I was confused. I was mesmerized by how pretty you are, by that smile, by those eyes. I wasn't in love. I was in lust. I guess in a way you had become my fantasy girl, the way that actresses or models become other guys' fantasies. Looking back, I see what I felt was 90% physical. That isn't love. I was wrong, and I apologize for what I did and what I said. I should have never put you in that situation. I should have asked you from the start to just stay away. But, like I said, I was weak. And now I am strong.
So, just in case it isn't clear, this is the end. For good. Forever. We all know that you and I cannot be friends, you and Josie cannot be friends. Therefore, we all cannot be friends. Josie is my best friend, my wife, my entire world. And for her (and again, she didn't ask me to do this) I am telling you that this is Good-Bye. I'll always remember you, but I won't always love you. Because I haven't love you since I was eighteen.
Good luck with everything. You are a good person, and you deserve the best. You'll find whatever that is. Don't stop looking.
Sam
* * *
Jillian saw Sam and Josie the day that she was leaving for California, four months after she had been given Sam's letter. She drove past their house in her Beetle with the little U-Haul trailer hitched to the back. They were just getting out of their car. Jillian's breath caught when she saw that Josie was pregnant. They were smiling at each other as they walked up to their front door. They looked happy, the way people who are in love look.
Jillian turned her head away with tears in her eyes and drove speedily down the street, not looking back.
THE END
* * *