* * *
Sam pulled Jillian closer to him, holding her tightly. She had put her fingers into his hair and had closed her hand into a fist, a handful of hair held tightly between her fingers. Sam had forgotten that she did that; no one else ever had. It was a distinctive Jillian move, a little bit painful, but at the same time pleasurable. She still kissed the same, a combination of gentleness and roughness, like the hand in his hair. All he could think about was the way her body felt against his; her breasts soft against his chest, her stomach flat, pressed against his own stomach and held there by his arms. His brain was jumbled with all the things that he wanted to do to her, things that he had never thought about doing with Lara or Josie. He had momentarily forgotten that they were in public, in the middle of the amusement park at Navy Pier. All he could think about was that her mouth tasted like bubblegum.
And then she pulled away, and when he tried to kiss her again she pushed on his chest. He let go of her and she backed away, looking at him with fear in her eyes. And tears.
"Sam, that was bad. Bad. I mean, it was nice, but it was a bad decision." One solitary tear rolled down her cheek.
"I--"
"What were you thinking, kissing me? What was I thinking kissing you back?!" Jillian cried, more to herself than to Sam.
"Jillian, I have wanted--"
"Don't! Please, don't say it. This was wrong, Sam." She wiped the tears from her cheeks and sat on the bench.
"I know."
"What are you going to say to Josie?"
His eyes widened as if the thought just occurred to him. "Nothing."
"But--"
"I shouldn't have kissed you. I know that. But it was just a kiss, Jill. I was overwhelmed with the roller coaster, and the memories of us, and you look so...beautiful tonight. I just sort of...regressed. I don't want this to ruin my relationship, though. I want to marry Josie. I love her."
"Then what now?"
Sam shrugged. "We just move on."
Jillian nodded. "Right, act as it this didn't happen."
"Exactly."
Jillian sighed deeply and said, "All right, then. Let's get you home. I'm sure Josie is worried sick." She stood up and started walking to the exit.
Sam caught up to her and put his arm over her shoulders. "Jillian, I'm sorry."
She smiled at him as her eyes welled up with tears again. "I'm sorry, too. Horrible timing."
"Horrible," he agreed.
She laughed. "I want us to be friends, Sam."
"We are."
"Better friends. I care about you, and Josie, and I don't want to go another eleven years without seeing you again."
"I promise that won't happen." He stopped walking and turned her to face him. "I promise," he repeated.
"I promise too." Jillian took his hand and they walked to the car.
* * *
Josie woke with a start and sat up, sweating. She had been having a terrible dream, but now that she was awake, she couldn't remember a single thing about it. She looked at the alarm clock on the nightstand; it's green digital numbers glowed 1:22 am. She sighed and pulled herself under the sheets again, and only then realized that Sam wasn't in bed. She sat up again and turned on the lamp on the nightstand.
"Where is he?" she wondered aloud, getting out of bed. Her stomach turned as her brain thought awful scenarios, all of which included accidents and death. Her heart pounded as she walked into the kitchen, looking out to the back yard, thinking maybe he was out there thinking again. The back yard was still and he was nowhere to be found.
Josie's hand covered her mouth as she tried to calm herself down. She heard a car door shut and Lucas started barking. She ran to the door and opened it, seeing Sam coming up the path. He was all in one piece, and Josie felt her anguish turn to anger.
He stood in front of her, looking at her apologetically.
"Josie, I am so sorry."
"Where were you!? I was out of my mind, thinking you were maimed on the side of the road somewhere! You didn't leave a note or even call! I was worried sick!"
Sam hung his head in shame. "I know, I'm sorry. I should have called..."
"It isn't like you, that's all." She turned away from him and went back into the bedroom. Sam locked the door and went in the room, sitting on the bed.
"I left really spur of the moment and never meant to be gone so long. I'm sorry you were so worried."
"Where did you go?" She was turned away from him, looking out the window.
"Well, Jillian stopped by to see if you wanted to go to the museum with her...and I invited her to come in for some pizza...And then we went to Navy Pier." He stopped as she turned and looked at him. She looked hurt and scared. "She wanted to ride the roller coaster and convinced me to go with her. I lost track of time." He moved closer to her, putting his hand on her back.
"You are afraid of heights," she said dully.
"I know. But I never told you why. It was because when we were in high school Jillian got me to ride the roller coaster and it got stuck upside-down on the loop..." He laughed at the memory. "I was so terrified I almost started crying, but Jillian was laughing and excited the whole time. But, ever since then I have been terrified of rides. Even the Ferris wheel, as you know."
"So, did you ride the roller coaster?"
He nodded.
"Did you have fun?"
He nodded again. "But I was still all shaken up, so we walked around until I had calmed down."
"I would have liked to go."
"I know, I'm sorry. Please don't be too mad at me."
"I was worried. It just isn't like you."
"I'll never do it again." He took her hand, sandwiched between his, loving how soft it was. "I never meant to worry you."
She sighed. "I know." She positioned herself under the sheets again. "It's late, are you coming to bed?"
He nodded. "Give me a minute to clean up." He brushed his teeth and washed his face quickly, and then stripped down to his boxers and climbed in bed next to her, facing her back. "I love you, Josie Geller," he whispered.
"Soon to be Josie Coulson," she whispered back.
Sam snuggled up closer to Josie. "I like the sound of that."
Josie snuggled back, pulling Sam's arm around her. "I do too."
* * *
Sam was having a horrible time dealing with the guilt of kissing Jillian. Josie had let the whole situation of the amusement park go without another word, and that made him feel even worse. He had always felt blessed to have met her, and now he felt more so, but guiltily. He felt now that he didn't deserve her at all.
He had never cheated on anyone before, and after going through being the one cheated on by Lara over and over again, he knew how awful it felt. He never wanted to hurt Josie. He tried and tried to figure out what had come over him after that roller coaster ride. What had made him kiss Jillian? Yes, he had felt the attraction ever since the night at the coffee shop, but he had it under control. But that night, at Navy Pier, looking at Jillian's big smile and watching her jump around in excitement, it hit him like a ton of bricks that he may still be in love with her. How was this possible? He was madly in love with Josie. Josie was everything he had ever hoped for�and more.
Was it possible to be in love with two women at the same time?
He knew one thing for sure; he wasn't going to lose Josie. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He was just going to have to keep Jillian out of his head.
* * *
Jillian was finding it hard to look Josie in the eyes. She felt so guilty about kissing Sam, and even worse because she liked Josie so much. She had tried to avoid both of them, but Josie was persistent in her invites, so Jillian finally caved and went with them to dinner. In an effort to avoid being the third wheel, she scrambled for a date. Jude had not returned any of her calls after the way she had treated him after their dinner at Josie and Sam's, and she knew she deserved it. So, calling him was not an option. She really didn't want to show up alone; it would just remind her that she had completely fallen in love with Sam all over again, but this time he wasn't hers to have.
She spent the afternoon calling her friends, but none of them were available for dinner or knew anyone that was. Defeated, Jillian changed into an ankle length navy dress embroidered with butterflies and pulled her hair away from her face in a crown of tiny pony-tails. She put on shoes and jewelry and left her house to meet her friends, knowing that she was on the verge of tears.
Dinner went smoothly, Jillian reminding herself that she was an actress and to act happy. Sam and Josie would never know the difference. Every time Sam touched Josie Jillian felt as if her heart was going to burst in envy. Every time she thought she was going to burst into tears, she smiled. She purposefully stayed away from the alcohol at dinner, afraid that she wouldn't be able to keep her mouth shut about the kiss.
Why had she let him kiss her like that?! Now she could think of nothing else. And she had been almost out of the woods with her attraction and feelings for Sam, or so she had thought. Now she was screwed. She was miserable.
After dinner, Jillian rode in the back seat of Josie's Le Sabre in silence, looking out the window at the city. She loved Chicago, but she didn't think she would ever come back. There was no way this situation could work out well for her. There was no way she and Sam could really be friends. Sure, maybe they'd send the annual birthday and Christmas cards, maybe an occasional e-mail, but nothing like she had hoped.
She gave them hugs and walked to her car, keys in hand. Josie went inside, but Sam stood in the driveway, hands in the pockets of his black dress pants. He walked over to her, but she didn't look at him.
"I don't think I can be in your wedding, Sam," she said quietly.
"Why? Josie wants you in it. I want you in it."
"I don't want to watch you get married, Sam. I�can't."
"Jillian..."
She looked at him, her mouth turned down. "I can't."
"You got married and never thought to see if I was still in love with you before you went through with it," Sam accused.
"Yes, I also didn't ask you to be a goddamn part of it either!" She turned away from him, wiping the tears that were starting to fall from her eyes.
"Please�If you drop out of the wedding party, Josie will want to know why."
"Then I'll tell her. I'm in love with you and I can't watch you get married. It will kill me."
"You're...you're..." he stammered. "In love...with me?"
She turned around to face him again. "Yes. I am."
Sam sat on the pavement and leaned against her Beetle, putting his head in his hands. Jillian sat next to him.
"Now, can't you see how it would be better if I just�" Sam cut her off by kissing her. She pushed him away. "Sam! This isn't like you! Don't. It's just cruel�on so many levels."
"God, Jillian, what am I going to do? I am in love with Josie. I never got over you. For years I compared Lara to you, and she knew it."
"What are you going to do? You are going to marry that girl in there because she loves you in a way that I never will. She loves you completely. As you love her. And as much as I do love you, I am selfish, and I have a job that doesn't let me plant roots anywhere. I can't offer you what she can. I don't want to come between you. So�" Jillian paused a long moment before she said softly, sadly, "I can't see either of you anymore."
Sam shook his head and felt tears prick his eyes. He felt seventeen again, at O'Hare airport, watching her leave. "I want you in my life, Jillian."
"I want you in mine, too, but we can't always have what we want. Your fianc�e is too dear to me. I love her like a sister; I can't hurt her." She put her hands on each side of his face. "Remember when I left, I said that I would always love you? I will."
"I can't let you leave again."
"You have to." The tears were pouring down her face as she kissed his lips quickly and stood up. She walked up the path and into the house where she found Josie typing on her laptop and drinking tea.
"Hi, I thought you'd gone." she said as Jillian sat next to her on the couch. She noticed the tear-stained tracks down Jillian's face. "What's the matter?" she asked, concerned, placing her laptop on the table.
"Josie, I can't be in the wedding."
Josie's brow furrowed in alarm. "Why?"
"I don't know how to say it without it sounding terrible."
Fear came upon Josie's face.
Jillian swallowed, and said, "I am in love with Sam. So I can't be in the wedding. I can't be near either of you�for the good of all of us."
Josie continued to stare at her in silence. After what seemed like an eternity, she said "In love with Sam?"
"Yes. And I don't want to be the one to come between you two. I have tried to ignore my feelings from the very start, Josie. I adore you�please know that. I'd love for us to be friends, but I understand that under the circumstances� well, it's impossible. And so, I can't be there."
Jillian stood as Sam came in the room. She didn't smile, or try to lighten the mood. She just said, "I'm sorry. Goodbye," and walked out.
* * *
"I knew it! I told you guys! You people never want to believe me. I'm freakin' psychic!" Caroline exclaimed after Josie finished telling her about Jillian.
"She didn't go after Sam, Caroline."
"Not that you know of," Caroline corrected.
"She didn't!" Josie defended. "She's just in love with him. She was in tears when she told me. She's not evil. And she did the right thing for everyone by dropping out of the wedding party."
"Didn't I tell you the first time that you mentioned her that this would happen?"
"Yes."
"Okay, so maybe she didn't seduce Sam like I thought she would. She still has feelings for him, and that's dangerous."
"Well, like I said, she did the right thing."
"Maybe so." Caroline admitted grudgingly. "But she--oh, never mind. I'm done gloating."
"The funny thing is, I'm going to miss her. Even after all this information, I don't view her as a threat. I like her."
"I know you do. How is Sam taking all of this?"
"Well, we had a little fight, our first," Josie admitted.
"First fights suck," Caroline commiserated.
"Yeah." She took a deep breath and continued. "He's sad. He said that it feels like it did when she left the last time, it hurts like that. Because he had just started feeling like he had her friendship back. And I accused him of being in love with her and he assured me that he's not. He admitted that he is attracted to her, but is that really a surprise? All men are attracted to Jillian."
"Rob isn't," Caroline denied.
Josie gave her a look that said she knew differently. "Okay," Caroline acknowledged, "he is a little. Another reason I don't like her."
"Anyway, Sam was honest, which most men wouldn't be. And I believe him."
"It's better this way, Jos."
"I guess so. But I did just lose a friend."
"A friend that could potentially cost you Sam. It's better this way."
Josie sighed. "Yeah, you're right."
"In case you hadn't noticed, I always am." Caroline said with a smile.
* * *
For the next two weeks Josie busied herself with the wedding plans. She found the perfect ring for Sam, found her dress and veil, booked the setting for the ceremony and reception, and made the reservations for their honeymoon. She had decided to ask Sam's sister Abby to be a bridesmaid, but she declined due to her pregnancy, so Josie kept it at two, Anita and Aldys, with Caroline as Matron of Honor. Sam's best man was his best friend, Mike, and his ushers were Rob and another good friend Tony. He had gotten them all together for tuxedo fittings already, and had gone to four different caterers with Caroline.
Caroline was planning the bachelorette party, which Josie thought was a little silly, but Anita and Aldys both agreed that it would be fun. So Josie agreed to have it. Mike was planning Sam's bachelor party with a lot of input from Rob.
Josie used her preoccupation with the wedding plans as an excuse for not allowing herself to think about what had happened with Jillian. More importantly, she didn't want to speculate on what might have happened, or if something had happened and Sam was keeping it from her. She didn't like having thoughts that made her doubt Sam.
She tried talking it over with Anita, who told her to forget it, that it was already ancient history; and with Caroline, who reminded Josie that she was better off with Jillian out of her life. Josie wasn't sure that she agreed with either of her friends. She missed Jillian, who was so funny and enjoyable to be around. Josie hoped that Jillian was doing okay. She wasn't without sympathy for her friend; after all, they were in the same boat: both in love with Sam. Only, Josie had to remind herself, Sam was in love with her, not Jillian, and all she could imagine is how heartbroken Jillian must be.
Josie looked at her watch. It was only 8:30 in the evening. She was out getting gifts for their friends in the wedding party, and she knew that Sam was at a White Sox game with Rob. She paused in the middle of the mall, contemplating. She knew that if she did what she was thinking, everyone would think she was crazy. But she decided to do it anyway.
* * *
Jillian opened her front door and her mouth hung open slightly in surprise. "Josie?" she said quietly. Her heart was pounding. 'Oh God, Sam told her' she thought, biting her lip.
"Hi. I hope I'm not disturbing you..."Josie began awkwardly.
"Oh, no, not at all. Please, come in."
Josie smiled and walked in, looking around at how Jillian had decorated her rented townhouse. "You've done wonders with this place," she commented, running her hand over the table by the door that she had helped Jillian paint. On top of it was an iron candelabra with melted candles, their wax frozen in mid- drip.
"Thank you. It was furnished already, you know, I just added my personal touches." Jillian said, nervously. She felt like the mouse just waiting to get eaten by the boa constrictor.
"I like it," Josie smiled.
"Would you like a drink? I have Pepsi and..." she walked into the kitchen and looked in the refrigerator. "Apple juice."
"No thanks." Josie sat on the comfortable burgundy couch and waited for Jillian to join her. When Jillian finally sat in the plaid chair, what she felt was a safe distance away, Josie let her know why she was there. "How are you doing?"
Again, Jillian was surprised. "Uh, I'm okay."
"I know that I'm the last person that you expected to see, considering the situation, and I know Caroline would want to get my head examined if she knew I were here." She smiled again. "But I kind of miss you...so I wanted to see if you were all right."
Jillian sighed. "Are you for real? I have never met a nicer person. I don't deserve this."
"You didn't do anything wrong except fall in love with someone you were in love with once before. I can't hold that against you. I can understand why you want to keep your distance, and honestly, I prefer it that way as well. But I did� do�consider you a friend, Jill, and I wanted to make sure you were all right. I've had my heart broken before...not completely, and not like this, but broken just the same. I know it hurts."
"Not to belittle your intentions, Josie, but you have no idea what this feels like. You have him. I never will. It's quite devastating."
"I understand...believe me. I just can't see you as a threat to me, not yet. You could have done so much worse: you could have slept with him or tried to steal him from me�but you didn't. Instead, you came to me. You respected me enough, and I appreciate that. It's hard to hate you."
Jillian nodded, and stood. "Josie, I'm sorry, but I can't do this. I can't talk about this casually as if it is no big deal. To me, it is. And as much as I adore you, I can't sit here and pretend that I am happy with the situation, talk about Sam like he's just your boyfriend. This sounds mean, but I hate that it's not me with him and I..." she sighed again and sat down, putting her face in her hands. "I just can't." She looked at Josie again. "I said it before, I think it is best if I don't see either of you. I need to stick to that."
Josie nodded and stood up. "Okay. I'll go." She walked away, stopping at the doorway. "You will find-"
"Don't say it," Jillian said, harshly.
So Josie left. Jillian slid off the chair onto the floor and cried until she couldn't cry anymore.
* * *
Jillian looked at the calendar, noticing that she had forgotten to mark out where she had written 'Wedding' on the 12th. Two days away. She sighed. She should have followed Brigid's first bit of advice and stayed out of their lives. She was absolutely miserable. She tried going out alone and meeting people, but it was less than successful and only made her feel worse. She thought she saw Sam everywhere, whenever there was a man with blonde hair she hoped it was him.
She spent a lot of time reading scripts that her agent had sent her, most of them for films. He wanted her to break away from theater for a bit and focus on screen, and although she much enjoyed live theater more, she appeased him by at least reading what he sent. There were two that were actually wonderful, and she was comparing them when there was a knock on her door.
She looked at her watch. It was after midnight.
"Who could that possibly be?" she asked herself aloud while getting off of the couch. She opened the door to see Sam standing there, looking down at her with incredibly sad eyes.
"Sam? What are you--?"
"Can I come in?"
She looked behind him for his car but didn't see it. She looked at his face again. His eyes pleaded with her.
"I don't think that's a good idea," she said.
"Please."
"How did you get here?"
"Cab. I was at my bachelor party...please?"
"I don't...Are you drunk?" She noticed him sway as he grabbed for the door handle.
He smiled and reached one hand in the small space between the door and the jamb. "Like I said�I was at my bachelor party."
"Oh, dammit." She opened the door for him. "This is a bad idea, Sam."
"I just wanted to see you..." He walked in, closing the door behind him and stepping close to Jillian. She backed up, but with each step back he took one forward until he had her against the wall. He put his hand on her face. "You are so-"
"Sam, don't," she breathed.
"I just want to kiss you...one last time," he whispered into her ear, putting his hands into her hair and drawing her face closer to his. "Do you want to kiss me, Jill?"
"Yes," she whispered, still refraining from touching him.
"Then kiss me."
"You're drunk, Sam. You'll regret this tomorrow."
He shook his head in denial.
"I don't want to be one of your regrets, Sam."
"You're my biggest regret. Dammit, I should have gone to England." He was speaking between kisses as he showered her neck with them. "It's my biggest regret that I'll never know what could have been..."
"Mine too," she agreed with a sigh. She was trying so hard to keep composure, but with his lips leaving her neck moist, and the feel of his fingers entwining her hair at the back of her head she was starting to fail. Her knees felt weak.
His hands moved to each of her cheeks, forcing her to look him in the eyes. "I want to know."
"What?"
"What could have been."
"But..."
"I don't mean by not marrying Josie...I mean...I want to..."
"What?" Her breath was short, her heartbeat so fast she thought she was going to have a heart attack.
"I want to make love to you."
"That's bad, Sam..." she said, trying to keep her head straight even though she knew she was moments away from giving in.
"Tell me," he whispered.
"Tell you what?"
"That you want to make love to me."
"Even if I did..."
"Jillian." He drew her lips to his, kissing her softly at first, letting the kiss grow stronger until she found her hands raising from her sides and landing around his neck. Their kisses grew more and more furious as the moments passed.
"Yes, Sam. I do," she said, her voice low.
"You do what?" he asked. "Say it."
"I want to make love to you."
Without further discussion Sam took her hand and headed up the stairs, laying her on her bed. They didn't speak, and Jillian forced herself not to think about how she was, at that moment, becoming someone she swore she never would. She had never cheated on anyone before, nor had she been the one that was party to the cheating. She pushed those thoughts away and focused on Sam, beautiful Sam, as he peeled off her shirt and unzipped her jeans.
* * *
Jillian started crying minutes later, for so many reasons: the main one being that she knew that this was it; she would never see him again. She was clinging to him and her tears were landing on his smooth shoulder. He was smoothing out her hair with one hand while holding her close to him with the other.
Jillian didn't know what to say. She wanted to say so many things, but didn't know how to phrase them.
"What is it? Sam whispered, lifting his head to look her in the eyes.
"We can't do this," she said finally. "I can't let you do this."
Sam hung his head and sighed. "I know."
"Believe me, there's a little evil voice in my head saying 'Go for it, Jillian. This is the way to get him. Steal him from Josie!' But I can't listen to that little devil on my shoulder. I have to listen to the angel on the other and tell you to go."
Sam nodded, but didn't let her go. "You are beautiful," he whispered. "You will always be my first real love, Jillian."
She nodded, biting her bottom lip.
"Please don't cry." He pulled away from her slightly to look into her eyes again. She saw that he had tears in his as well.
"I can't help it. This is it, Sam. This is good-bye. Our big kiss good-bye."
"Maybe someday..."
"We both know it'll never happen. We just signed the deal. We can never be friends now, not that we really could have before. I will be a constant reminder of how you almost betrayed her, no matter how much you try to forget this night. Either that or I'd be a constant temptation. I want to be neither. And if you ever tell Josie... God, Sam, this isn't like you at all! What came over you?"
He sighed. "I don't know." He sat up. "I love you, I have always for years...I guess I just wanted one last...moment with you."
She took a deep breath and said, " I'm going to go home. Back to England."
Sam sat up and looked down at his lap. Jillian saw the small tears drip from his cheeks and fall, leaving two little wet circles on his jeans. He got up off of the bed and pulled his shirt back on. Jillian did the same, and walked downstairs with him. They embraced, again holding each other tightly.
"Have a good marriage, Sam. You deserve it. Both of you do."
"Jillian..."
"Go Sam, please," she pleaded.
He held her hand briefly. "I'll miss you."
"I'll miss you, too." She kissed his lips quickly and pushed him softly through the door. Jillian closed the door behind him and ran up the stairs, throwing herself on the bed. She was still able to smell his cologne on the duvet. The pain in her heart was so great she thought it would kill her. She knew she had to get out of the house or she would go insane.
* * *