* * *
On the drive home that night, Sam was quiet and this didn't go unobserved by Josie. He was unusually quiet, seeming to be deep in thought. She looked over at him, studying him. His hands were gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles were white. He was biting his bottom lip, which she had never seen him do before. His brows were furrowed.
"Sam? Are you all right?" Josie asked softly.
Sam gave a little nod, not looking at her.
"You don't seem to be."
"I'm fine, Jos," he said. His voice sounded tight and Josie wasn't convinced.
Finally Josie sighed and asked fearfully, "Did I do something?"
Sam turned his head quickly to face her. He said firmly, "No. No, honey. Not at all."
"Then what is it? I've never seen you so...tense."
"I just have something on my mind tonight, that's all� Can we talk about it later?"
"Will you talk about it later?"
He nodded.
"Okay," Josie acquiesced. Josie sat back in her seat and looked out the window. It was definitely not nothing that was bothering Sam, but Josie couldn't think of anything that had happened that would make him so tense. They had had a great time with Jillian at the coffee shop, Sam and Jillian reminiscing about their days as seniors and about the people that they had known. Josie was a little surprised at how many things that they had to reminisce about given that she had never once heard Sam mention Jillian before the play, and here they had obviously been close in school. But that was something that would make Josie tense, thinking that there was a mystery there, not Sam. What was he so upset about?
* * *
Sam sat on the couch with a photo album placed on his lap, unopened. It was two days after the play, and Josie was at work. Sam still hadn't mustered up the courage to tell Josie what the extent of his relationship with Jillian had been. He wasn't sure how she would react. She seemed to really like Jillian. He leaned his head back on the couch and let out a groan. All this worrying was going to give him an ulcer. He felt worse than he had when he was falling in love with Josie thinking that she was seventeen years old. He hadn't been sleeping well, and when he did he just had nightmares about Josie being hurt, feeling betrayed by him.
He knew that these were ridiculous thoughts. He hadn't done anything to betray her. And he wouldn't. Josie was everything to him. It was just seeing Jillian again after all these years, and having a resurgence of the feelings that he had thought were long gone that was messing with his head. He sighed again and opened the photo album. Lucas jumped up on the couch and laid his head on Sam's leg. Josie didn't want the puppy on the couch, but Sam let him stay, liking the comfort. He flipped through the pages until he found the pictures he was looking for: he and Jillian. She looked the same then as she did now, only younger, with longer hair. There were pictures of them at school, at the beach in Florida where they had gone for Spring Break, at Homecoming and Prom, in his parent's house, at her exchange family's house. In every one Jillian was smiling, looking beautiful. Sam looked at himself in each picture and felt like a kid again when he wondered what she had seen in him. She was the prettiest girl at Lincoln High that year, and an exchange student to boot, and she had chosen bookish, skinny Sam Coulson. He remembered how proud that had made him, and yet how insecure at the same time. He had lived in constant fear that year that she was going to dump him, but she hadn't. She had fallen for him as hard as he had fallen for her. She had tried to find anything that would keep her in America after graduation, but her parents wouldn't allow it. They made her go back to England, and that had been the last time Sam had seen her, at O'Hare Airport, eleven years ago. He remembered the way she had clung to him, tears rolling down her cheeks, saying that she loved him, that she'd be back, that they would be together forever, that this was only temporary. And she had gotten on the plane, blowing tearful kisses at him every few feet.
Their letters were frequent at first, but then they both started college and both of them started to write less and less. In the meantime, Sam had met new girls. At first he felt as if he was betraying Jillian by taking other girls out on dates, but the guilt soon left when the letters finally tapered off. Forever was very short when you're young, and Sam soon stopped missing Jillian.
Now here he was, 29 years old and looking over old pictures of the first girl he had loved, trying to figure out how to tell his fianc�e the history behind himself and her new friend without hurting her in any way. He knew he had to tell her tonight, before too much time had passed.
After dinner that night, Sam sat next to Josie on the couch, holding the photo album on his lap. He opened to the pictures of himself and Jillian, letting Josie look at them.
"Look how cute you were!" Josie said looking at each picture. "She was your girlfriend, right?" she asked before even getting to the Prom pictures.
"How'd you guess?"
"Well, you were nervous and stressed after we had coffee with her, and you've changed the subject every time I've brought her up since that night...Plus, I asked Anita what she thought and she said, 'He dated her.' She tends to be right about such things." Josie looked at the pictures, and then back at Sam. "You made a very cute couple."
"I didn't want to upset you."
"I know." she smiled. "It was a long time ago. I knew you had a past. It's okay. I think it's great!"
"I thought that you would be upset because I didn't tell you right away." Sam said, brushing some hair from her face.
"Why would that upset me? It was a long time ago, right? You haven't seen her in years. You're with me now. I have nothing to worry about."
"Josie, you really are the most amazing woman," he said as he leaned over to kiss her.
* * *
Josie was sitting at her desk, idly staring out the window when there was a knock on her door. She looked up to see Caroline.
"Hi! Come in."
"Your assistant is worthless," Caroline said, sitting in the chair in front of Josie's desk.
"He's all right." Josie said. She looked at Caroline's appalled face and started laughing. "Okay, yeah, he's a little worthless."
"A little!? C'mon, Jos, you really are being too giving, here. He's a lump. Anyway, I didn't come here to talk about Chatty Cathy out there."
"And what brought you here?"
"I wanted to tell you that my first story for Premier will be in next month's issue, and now I can tell you who I interviewed."
Josie's face brightened. Two months ago Caroline had been hired as a freelance writer for Premier Magazine, a national movie magazine. She had to sign a contract promising that she would not disclose information to anyone on the people that she interviewed until the issues went into print. A month ago she had interviewed someone and it had been driving Josie crazy wondering whom Caroline had met. "Who? Brad Pitt? Tom Cruise?" Josie guessed.
"No, it was a woman."
"Julia Roberts? Susan Sarandon? Tell me!"
"Well, if you'd shut up for one second!" Caroline let out a sigh in mock exasperation. "It was Sigourney Weaver."
"Ripley?!" Josie exclaimed, referring to the Alien movie series.
Caroline's smile was huge. "Ripley. Awesome, no?"
"That is so cool. Have you told Rob yet?"
"Oh, Rob got it out of me a long time ago and he was sworn to secrecy. He does not play fair."
"Really?" Josie said with a tone in her voice that said that her suspicions were that Rob played naughty.
"He tickles."
"Tickles?"
"He held me down and tickled me until I thought I was going to pee my pants! So I gave in and told him."
"Wow. Sigourney Weaver. That is so cool."
"I think so. It'll be on the stands in three weeks. But enough about that. What's going on with you? We haven't talked in a few days."
"I met an ex-girlfriend of Sam's at the Hamlet performance last weekend."
"I thought you met Lara at Delloser last year."
"It wasn't Lara. It was his girlfriend from high school, Jillian. She's British."
"And...?"
"And I liked her."
"Liked? Past tense?"
"I like her. She's nice, and funny."
"I'm sensing some hesitation here, Jos."
"No, not really. I don't know what I feel, really. I'm not threatened by her...or afraid that Sam will leave me and fall in love with her again."
"Well, why would you think that? You ran into her one time."
"We invited her to dinner this week."
"Why?"
"She and Sam were really close. It seemed like the thing to do."
"Inviting an ex-girlfriend into your home? Josie, think about that."
"They dated a long time ago for less than a year. They were seventeen years old."
"Are you sure about this?" Caroline looked concerned.
"Absolutely. In fact, why don't you and Rob join us? You should meet Jillian."
"Sure, and make sure she's not after Sam. I've got your back."
Josie laughed. "Not like that. I don't need you to 'check her out' or anything. I think it'll be fun, having a dinner party."
"When?"
"Friday. Is that okay?"
"Sure. We'll be there." Caroline stood up to leave. "And if she even looks at Sam in a more than friendly way, I'll kick her ass for you."
Josie walked around her desk to give Caroline a hug. "You're a good friend, Caroline."
"Well, I love you. I just don't want you to get hurt."
"I won't. You don't need to worry."
"If you say so. I'll behave."
* * *
Jillian North sat in her new light blue Volkswagen Beetle nervously looking at the house that Sam shared with his fianc�e. It was a cute one-story cottage with brick walls and white painted trim and window shutters. Very All- American. Just like Sam. Just as Jillian had imagined his house would be. She took a deep breath and looked in the rearview mirror. She ran her hands through her shoulder length hair.
"Jill, are you ready yet?"
Jillian absently looked at Jude, her date for the night. He was an actor in Hamlet with her, in the role of Polonius.
"What are you waiting for?" Jude asked.
Jillian looked at him. "Nothing. I'm ready." She stepped out of the car and straightened the straps on her short black dress.
"You look great, Jill."
"Thanks." She walked to his side of the car and linked her arm through his. "I'm just a bit nervous, that's all."
"You've no need to be."
"I explained to you that Sam used to be my boyfriend."
"Years ago. Stop fretting. It will all be fine."
Jillian stopped and looked up at Jude. He was very handsome with dark brown hair and eyes, full lips and dimples in each cheek. When he smiled it was as if he lit the room it was so brilliant. Jillian had been on a few dates with him before, usually with other actors from the show. She knew he was attracted to her; he sometimes followed her like a puppy, which irritated her. But in moments like this, when he was so supportive, she realized why she kept agreeing to let him take her out.
"You're lovely," she said impulsively.
"Thank you." He adjusted his arm so that her hand slid into his. "Shall we?" he motioned toward the door.
* * *
Sam took a deep breath and opened the door. He was shocked to see Jillian looking up at a very tall, entirely too good-looking man, a smile on her face. She turned to look at Sam, her smile growing.
"Hello," she said, letting go of the tall guy's hand to give Sam a hug.
"Hi, Jillian. Come in." Sam made sure that his voice came out steady. It felt like it was going to break. He led Jillian and what was obviously her date into the living room where Josie was talking to Caroline and Rob. They stood from their seats as Josie introduced Caroline and Rob to Jillian and her date.
"This is Jude Wallingham." Jillian said in return.
"Pleased to meet you, Jude." Caroline said, not noticing Rob possessively putting his arm around her shoulders. "How do you two know each other?"
"We're in Hamlet together," Jude answered.
"It feels so international in here with two Brits." Rob said, laughing at himself, even though there was an uncomfortable silence after. Josie, knowing her brother well, knew his awkward statement was a result of feeling insecure around someone as attractive as Jude.
"Well," Josie began, "dinner is almost ready. I hope vegetarian lasagna is OK. Caroline is a strict vegetarian."
"That's perfect," Jillian said.
"Would you like a drink? Wine? Beer?" Sam offered.
"Yes, please," Jillian and Jude answered in unison.
"Any preference?"
"Don't you remember?" Jillian asked.
Sam thought for a minute. "Right, beer it is." He and Jillian shared a private laugh, color coming to both of their cheeks. Josie wondered if they would share the story behind the laugh, but when Sam walked into the kitchen she realized that the rest of the room would be left in the dark on that one. She hoped that situations like that wouldn't be coming up throughout the evening.
Sam called out to Jude. "I'm sorry Jude, what did you want?"
"Oh, a beer is fine, thank you." Jude found Jillian's hand and held it possessively. He had noticed the unspoken exchange between Jillian and Sam, and wasn't about to take a step back after the affection that she had shown him on the path to the house. Jude had been actively pursuing Jillian for months now; any progress made was not going to be lost without a fight.
"Well, please, sit. Or would you guys prefer to sit out on the deck?" Josie asked, regaining her stance as hostess.
"I'd like the deck, actually." Caroline said, heading to the arcadia door with Rob close behind. He made sure to give Jude a stern look, which unmistakably said that Caroline was off limits.
"Josie, this house is absolutely adorable. It's really just as I would have imagined your house to be. Yours and Sam's," Jillian said, pulling her hand free from Jude's grip and walking around free. She stopped at the pictures on the mantle, taking a few seconds longer to study the one of Sam and Josie. She felt tightness in her throat; her heart pounded a little faster. She knew the signs, she was jealous. She tried to shrug it off and walked away from the pictures.
"Thank you. Our belongings just seemed to fit well together." Josie responded.
"Yes, everything looks as if it were bought to match everything else." Jillian said, her voice low. Sam handed her a beer as she entered the kitchen. "Thanks," she said, walking past him to the back yard. She leaned against the railing of the deck, irritated that she felt so uncomfortable. She was an actress, for God's sake, and yet she couldn't act her way out of this mood. She was irritated at the fact that she was jealous of this at all. She couldn't possibly have deep seeded feelings for Sam, not after all these years. It was ridiculous. She put the beer to her lips and took big, deep gulps.
Jude came outside, followed by Josie and Sam, and he took his place at Jillian's side. Jillian looked up at him, and decided that if she had any more thoughts of Sam in a more than friendly way, she would force herself to think of Jude. It was all about transposition of the feelings, that's all. And it wasn't as if Jude were ugly, or stupid, or even boring. She enjoyed his company very much; otherwise she never would have invited him to this dinner. It was just that so far, she hadn't felt for him a bit what he was always telling her that he felt for her.
The conversations were going on around her, she noticed. She had better join in. It just wasn't like her to be so withdrawn.
* * *
Sam looked over from where he sat in a patio chair at Josie, who was giggling with Caroline and Jillian, as if they were schoolgirls. Of course, all the alcohol hadn't hindered this. He had actually had to run to the store for more beer; between the three girls and Rob and Jude, they had finished the twelve that Sam had bought by the time dinner was through. Sam himself hadn't had one yet. He figured that someone had better stay sober.
And besides that, he didn't want to be in any way inhibited around Jillian until he had a better handle on this knot in his stomach. Every time he looked at her his heart pounded and his breath got a little shorter. Because of this he had been trying his best not to look at her at all, but wasn't doing a very good job. Jillian was observant and when she noticed that he hadn't spoken to her in a while, she would draw him into conversation. It was just that whenever she spoke to him, it seemed that every cell in his body was suddenly on fire. He could feel his face burning. How could one person have that kind of effect on him, especially one that wasn't Josie? He felt so guilty he couldn't stand it.
Josie stood up and wandered over to him, allowing her body to drop onto his lap. She adjusted herself so that she was sitting sideways facing him, and placed a kiss on his lips. "I think I'm a little intoxicated, Sam." She said with a giggle.
"I think so too," He replied good-naturedly.
"Are you mad?"
"No, not at all. You're having a good time."
"Are you having a good time?"
"I am now." He kissed her again, happy to see the smile that his words brought to her lips. Sitting like this, with Josie so close, he realized that all he felt for Jillian was pure lust. This was love, the look in Josie's eyes, the calmness and peace that he felt as soon as she was near him. He knew in that moment that he had wasted so much energy all night on trying to justify the feelings that he had for Jillian, and trying to hide them. But now he knew, he was confident and sure of himself again, with this beautiful girl on his lap, his fianc�e, his Josie. He knew that he was through the storm and everything would be normal again.
* * *
"All right, so, I'll be back tomorrow to get my car, okay? Are you sure that's okay?" Jillian was saying to Josie, all the while leaning on Jude for support. Sam had called cabs for both Jillian and Jude and Rob and Caroline since all four of them were far too drunk to drive. Caroline and Rob were still inside, Rob on the verge of passing out but Caroline still hyper and giggly.
"Of course it's okay, Jill. Come back tomorrow. Sure." Josie said, giving Jillian a hug.
"Oh, Josie, you are the sweetest girl in the world!" Jillian said in Josie's embrace. She looked at Sam as she let go. "You have the most wonderful girlfriend, Sam. You are very lucky. I hope you realize that."
"I do, don't worry." He replied, placing his arm around Josie's shoulder.
"Yes, well, you always were smart." She stepped off the porch and headed for the waiting cab. "Bye! I'll ring before I come by tomorrow. And thank you for everything. I had so much fun!" Jillian stumbled into the cab.
Jude shook Sam's hand, and kissed Josie's cheek. "It was a pleasure meeting both of you, and thanks again for you hospitality."
"Anytime," Josie said.
"I hope we'll be seeing each other again," Jude said as he headed for the cab. "And I'll make sure she's all right. I'm sure she's already passed out."
"Thanks," Sam said, feeling reassured. Jude had had the least amount to drink of the five of them.
"Oh, and please tell Rob to give me a ring and we'll go to the batting cages," Jude asked as he got into the cab.
Sam shouted that he would, waved goodbye and ushered Josie in to the bedroom where he was sure she was going to fall asleep as soon as she laid her head down.
* * *
Jillian's head was lying on Jude's shoulders, her green eyes closed. They had arrived at her townhouse, but Jude was hesitant to disturb her. The cab driver turned around and looked at him.
"This is the address she gave, right?" Jude nodded. "Then pay up. This ain't a hotel."
Jude sighed, annoyed with the rudeness of the driver, and nudged Jillian. Her eyes opened slightly. "Jill, we're here," he said softly.
She pulled her head away from his shoulder and briefly looked out the window before getting out of the car. She arched her back in a stretch as Jude got out after her. "Are you coming in?" she asked Jude as the cab drove away.
"Um..."He was surprised at the invitation. "I thought you would be going to sleep."
"I slept the whole way here. Come in for a bit." She tilted her head, looking up at him through her lashes, being very seductive. This was an invitation he had been waiting months to get for her, but he wasn't sure that this was the best way to get it.
"Maybe I shouldn't..."
"Why not? You can't possibly drive. You have had a bunch to drink tonight. So, you must come in." She took his hand and led him inside.
Jude nervously looked around the townhouse, his heart pounding. He didn't know whether she was just concerned about his intoxication level or if she wanted him there for other reasons. He wasn't going to make a move; that was for sure. He would do nothing that would jeopardize his standing later on, or be misconstrued in any way. He took a seat on the couch, biting his lip.
Jillian sat next to him. "What's wrong?" she asked.
He looked he in the eyes, something he knew she appreciated. Jillian always looked people in the eyes when she spoke to them. She looked so beautiful he almost couldn't stand it. "Nothing." He answered, quickly changing the subject. "It wasn't bad tonight. You had no reason to be nervous."
"Oh, I did, but not for reasons that I told you."
"Then what?"
"Sam."
"What about him?"
"Well, he was my first love. And I found there to be some residual feelings toward him. So, I was nervous. Honestly, I'm not used to not being able to get what I want, and there is this little obstacle of the fianc�e. But I like her a lot...and that makes a difference. And I realized something else tonight..."
"What?" Jude asked, hoping the disappointment didn't seep into his voice.
"That you are much more wonderful than I thought." She ran her fingers down his cheek, leaning in. "For a while I thought you were just a pretty guy, all looks, you know? But you are more than that."
"You just realized this?" he asked, a little insulted.
"No, but my feelings sort of solidified tonight. I think I like you more now than I thought I could."
"You know how much I like you...how I love what you're saying, but-- "
"But nothing, Jude. You are wonderful." She leaned in and kissed him, pushing him back so that he was against the back of the couch, and positioned herself so that she was facing him on his lap.
Jude knew that he wasn't going to be able to resist her much longer, not with her straddling him like she was. He forgot resisting for a moment to enjoy her kisses, their first, and to listen to the little moans that escaped when he put his hands in her hair and held her head so that she couldn't stop. Jillian was kissing him again with such fervor that he was a little flabbergasted. He was slowly realizing that, although he had dreamt about kissing her for so long, this was not the way he wanted it to be. He placed his hands on her shoulders and gently pushed her back.
"What?" she asked, surprised.
"This isn't the way it's supposed to be. I feel a little uncomfortable."
"Uncomfortable? Why?"
He shook his head. "I don't know...I wanted it to be different."
"Different how?"
"I guess it just feels like you are forcing the issue a bit. A little like you are using me as a replacement for..."
"Who?"
"For...Sam." It was hard for him to admit, and he knew he probably wouldn't get a chance to be this intimate with her again. She has said it herself; she wasn't used to not getting what she wanted.
"For Sam," she repeated, sliding off of his lap. "Well, isn't that nice?"
"Well, I'm not wrong am I? We went into this with you saying that you had realized that feelings still lie there about him, and then you start kissing me, which I believe you had never thought of doing before tonight."
"I have thought about it." She looked hurt, but Jude knew it was because she was caught in a situation out of her control.
"Passing thoughts, I'm sure. Jillian, I have been after you for months, and you have kept me at arm's length. Why this now? Because you realized that you can't have your high school boyfriend again after 12 years?"
"Eleven," she corrected quietly. "I think you are a great person, Jude, and I thought maybe I wasn't giving you the consideration you deserved."
"It's all a bit impersonal for me, frankly. I have wanted more from you than a shag, and you know it. I know about your past with Ryan and how that hurt you--"
"Ryan has nothing to do with any of this."
"Bullocks he doesn't. Cleo tells me all the time about how you haven't been serious about anyone since the divorce, how you keep all men at a distance..."
"Well, Cleo shouldn't be talking about me to you at all." She was getting angry.
"She is your friend, she wants what's best for you and she has been warning me for months now to just let go of the fantasy of having you as my girlfriend. So, as nice as it is to have you there on my lap and all, I have to put an end to it. Until you want a relationship with me, I will not be your plaything."
"You'll never be my boyfriend either, not after this." She said spitefully.
"Come now, Jill, you are just embarrassed."
"Like hell I am! What makes you think you know a single thing about me? Sneaking around getting information from my friends, playing the innocent suitor." She stood up. "You know what I have allowed you to know. Same goes for Cleo and the rest of them." She walked to the stairs that led up to her room. "I'd appreciate it if you'd leave."
"Now you want me to drive? I thought I'd too much to drink."
"Then call a taxi. But leave nevertheless."
"Jill, it doesn't have to be this way."
"Well, it is. You wanted butterflies and flowers and Mary bloody Poppins from me and I am not that kind of girl."
"I hope in the morning you will feel differently."
"Don't count on it." Her expression was hard, her arms crossed.
Jude shrugged his shoulders in defeat and walked out, closing the door softly behind him. He knew he had blown it, but he wasn't sure if he was all that upset about it. He was convinced that her behavior was a result of the beer she had consumed and the realization that her high school sweetheart had moved on. He was sure that it would all be sorted out next time they talked. He got in his car and carefully drove to his hotel.
* * *