Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment, stupid-looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1,000 miles to the "hottest" fishing hole, and stand waist deep in cold water just so he can outsmart a fish. (Average cost per fish: $395.68)
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".
The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
A battery has a positive side.
They've got boyfriends already.
1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
4. Do I look like a fucking people person?
5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoeson my cat.
7. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
8. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
9. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?
10. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
11. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
12. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
13. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
14. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
15. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
20. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
*Seagull Manager (n) A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything... and then leaves.
*Salmon Day (n) The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.
*Irritainment (n) Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trial was a prime example.
The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
Little Johnny looks the salesman square in the eye, takes a swig from his beer, taps his ash on the carpet and says: "What the fuck do YOU think?"
The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!"
The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"
The cabbie smiled, and said, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold."
