1. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot
tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

2. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recordingdevice. After the tone, think about your name,
 your number, and your reasonfor calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

3. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Pleasespeak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to
myself with one of thesemagnets.

4. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.If you are my parents, please send money. If you
are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

6. Hi. Now YOU say something.

7. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.