Connie's Testimony
My name is Connie in case you don't already know that and I am married and have been for 14 years and live in Dallas. I have no children either just a schnauzer dog of 7 years. My husband and I moved from west Texas only because he needed a better job. And so as the story line goes we hooked up a U-haul trailer to our pick-up truck and moved here.
Well in my growing up years I was used to the moving because my dad was in the Air Force and we moved frequently. So being a nomad came to me easily. I am the second of 5 children in my family. So I grew up with the "middle child syndrome." But to really get to the heart of the matter is that my home was a Christian home although for the most part my mom took us and then sometimes my dad would go also. She was the spiritual leader of the house to a point in the way of getting us to Sunday School and also raising us with "strict" values. Although I knew that Jesus died on the Cross He never seemed really alive nor real to me. I just knew about Him through places like Vacation Bible School and also Sunday School and the preacher.
I saw a lot of turmoil in my home. There were good times as well, but my mom and I never seemed to get along, and it seemed I could never please her. Thinking that maybe I could become a Christian would please her and possibly get the acceptance and love that I needed, I walked down the aisle of the church one Sunday morning at the age of 8 and then was baptized there after.
I thought things would get better after that but they didn't really. There was not a day that I wasn't in trouble. I know that like all children I did get into trouble for things like lying and also not doing what I was told, or not being home when I was suppose to when supper was on the table. But when I would even take something as simple as a bath my mom would easily fly off the handle and even hit me while I was in the tub because I was not taking it fast enough and playing instead of cleaning. She pinned me against the wall one day when I was a sophomore in highschool and had a hand full of hair , screaming "You are demon possessed and the cause of your father and I fighting!" There were times that she would even bounce my head off the wall just to get me to listen to what she was saying. I knew it was hard pleasing her and I wanted to but was so confused as to how. Feelings of inadequacy always haunted me.
Another time she told me she wished I was in an airplane 10,000 feet in the air and dropped from it. I was afraid of her, and indeed she told me once that I needed to be. Many times she had me as a child pack my bags, that I should move out because I was such a "bully" and should live with the kid down the street because he and I would get along (he was the neighborhood bully).
Now I was a "tomboy" yes and did my fair share of being the "tough guy" in school. But that was because I was trying to protect my younger sister and my little brothers from all the neighborhood kids hurting them. My older sister was always by herself playing dolls.
When I became 12-13 I noticed my dad beginning to treat me differently. Like holding me closer and then kissing me on the mouth (which I hated). Then, when I was alone he would come and begin to do things to me and I could not push him away for fear of him getting angry. If I said "Don't!" he would get very upset and then treat me as though I had been disobedient and make my life more miserable by not talking to me, ignoring me, and also placing extra chores for me to do. He would say things like," You don't love me," if I did not allow him to do what he wanted to with me. I was so very scared of him and confused.
My mom had no clue. Being as I was always getting into trouble she never thought it to be strange. This was also happening to my younger sister and I found out my older sister as well. We drew straws one day to see who would tell my mom so that maybe she could do something to help us. And guess who drew the winning straw? ME ! And of course as we all stood together and I told her what was happening to each of us. She slapped my face and said,"I don't ever want to hear you speak of your father like that again!"
WOW ! The one person who could help now would not. So we did what we could until we all got old enough to leave home. The sexual abuse and other abuses continued for many years. My dad is dead now and we never mentioned to him how we felt about what he did. We have never mentioned it again since that day to my mom about my dad's abuse. She still has no clue or has completely forgotten or has buried it very deeply.
Oh... I was saved when I was in college at the ripe age of 20. The girl that was there and the Lord used had been struggling with her sexuality and I happened to see her on campus one evening. There was a war raging in my own heart with family problems and also being told by a close friend that she did not like the person I was becoming. So with that in mind, I was needing to talk to someone. I had a friend during this time who had been struggling with her own sexuality and I ran into her on campus that evening. That friend sat with me and I know that what she shared was straight from the Lord because I then felt very lost and separated from God, thinking that I already knew him personally. But in that cool fall evening of October 1975, I knew that Jesus was never in my heart as Lord and Savior. I had a head knowledge and not a heart experience with him. Within a few days the pastor of the church I was attending led me in the sinners prayer and I made Jesus for sure very alive and well in my heart and life from that date forward.
After that, things went well for me. So, as most Christians do, they continue in their walk as a new creature and with fervency and zeal I felt alive for the first time in my life. Even the colors of the earth were brighter and more brilliant to my eyes. I still struggled with my Christian walk as the years went by, but noticed that I struggled with the same old patterns that apparently I had no control over. Like always feeling like I was being used by friendships and getting hurt. I fell to the voices that spoke kindly, when, in fact, they were the ones I had given loyalty to, served, and then ended up being abandoned and left as an outcast.
Now that was the way I perceived things; through eye glasses that were shattered as my life much had been. The view was very distorted from the broken pieces in my heart and life. I wanted the pattern to stop replaying. I wanted the curses in my life to be broken once and for all.
One day a loving friend put her finger to my face and asked me "What is wrong with you?" Those words thundered through my head and reached inside my chest to my heart. I did wonder what was wrong. I knew that I had forgiven my parents and all. As I was left standing there with those words ringing in my head,"What IS wrong with me?" Then the Lord revealed to me in that "still small voice" that I still had an issue with my mom. Oh boy! Well from that time on I searched my own heart as the verse says in Psalm 139:23-24 for the healing that was needed .
I guess I tell you all of this just to let you know I have been there where the pain has been. There were times I thought my heart was being ripped out of my chest when God was pulling weeds by "their roots" to bring healing. Roots that were of unforgiveness and fear of not being loved. And Jesus has done that. In the verse in Isaiah 61:1-3,"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me; because he hath annointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; He hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prison to them that are bound. To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn, to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness (despair, faintness); that they might be called the trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified."
It has taken most of my life to get where I am now. But the majority of healing has been done over the past few years as the Lord has gently guided my spirit through much of the years that were packed away that needed to be brought forward and was deeply embedded in my heart. I am so very thankful for what He has done in my life. I know what God has done for me can also be for those who want and desire to know that they can live a life that is "free", and to know that God can and will forgive them and does love them. He will perfect all that concerns you and me. Psalm 147:3," He healeth the broken in heart and bindeth their wounds."
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