Chapter One: Red or Green?
Contrary to popular belief, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle were not dumb cinder blocks created only for the purpose of serving Draco Malfoy. They were simply a bit lazy, and found it easier to follow him around and leech off his good luck; their destiny as loyal Death Eaters was secure, and they were in no rush to work too hard at school. It was a comfortable situation; they were feared (if not respected) by all students, and Malfoy wasn't so bad when it was just the three of them. Besides, Malfoy could never finish all his food, which meant leftovers for Crabbe and Goyle. And they did love to eat..
Unfortunately, their lazy felicity was soon to be disturbed by a potions class mishap that would, according to Goyle, "go down in the annals of great potions disasters... Or maybe not." But it was enough to break up the Malfoy-Crabbe-Goyle trio, and that was all the disaster they needed.
Double potions with Gryffindor was always good entertainment, because Professor Snape was quite the comedian and Neville Longbottom inevitably blew something up. A typical class was in progress; the trio was working together on the latest potion while Snape stalked around the classroom making snide remarks at the Gryffindors.
"You have an interesting interpretation of the color 'green,' Longbottom." They could hear him sneer from across the room.
"Snape's in good form today," announced Goyle.
"But I see Mr. Potter and you are in a contest to produce the potion furthest removed from the one I assigned," Snape continued imperiously.
"And they think we're dumb," said Crabbe, stirring the contents of their cauldron.
"Well you are, but at least you can stir the mixture, unlike those fools," drawled Malfoy. "Pass me the red phial, Goyle."
"Isn't the green one next?"
"No." Goyle passed him the red phial. Malfoy opened it and took the stirring stick from Crabbe. "Now I'm supposed to just stir this in - only the delicate hand can really do it.." He poured it in gently, and in return for his care, the potion promptly exploded in his face nd began steaming red. "AGHHH!!!!!!!!!!! MY FACE!!!"
Crabbe, Goyle, and all students in the area ducked as Malfoy stumbled around blindly, clutching at his face. Snape ran over and began cleaning. "What happened!?"
"They - Ahgh!! - he gave me the wrong one!" Malfoy fainted.
"Everyone out of the room! And take him to the hospital wing!"
Crabbe and Goyle glanced at each other. Goyle shrugged. "'told him it was the green one.""Well, boys, he's going to be out for a good week." Madam Pomfrey did not look pleased at the prospect of keeping Draco Malfoy around for that long.
"Why so long?" asked Goyle, his pig-like features contorted into a skeptical frown.
"Burns, my dear, never heal quickly." Malfoy was bandaged from the chest up, arms as well. There were two slits for eyes, but they did not look promising. "But they will heal completely, rest assured."
"Well, good," Crabbe added. Now what were they to do?
"I'm thirsty," came a weak voice from the bed. Malfoy had awakened.
"I'll get him something. You two can keep him company." Pomfrey disappeared around the corner.
"You've only been here for a half hour and she's already running away," snickered Crabbe.
"Crabbe, Goyle, is that you?"
"Yeah," answered Crabbe. Then he grinned and added, "Is that you, Draco?"
"Very Funny."
"You look like the invisible man," Crabbe went on.
"Shut up."
"She said you're going to be out for a week," added Goyle, still frowning.
"WHAT - ouch! oh, it hurts!" whined Malfoy.
"Maybe Goyle will write you a poem," snickered Crabbe.
"Yes, maybe I will," said Goyle straight-faced. "I have aspirations after literary greatness."
"I hope you two aren't going to stay here the whole time or I won't get any rest!"
"Don't worry," said Goyle. "We have to avenge your injury."
"How are you going to do that? It's your fault!" said Malfoy, then he groaned again for good measure.
"We can prank the Potter threesome," offered Crabbe.
"You'll sit in the Slytherin common room and eat all day, that's what you'll do," grumbled Malfoy.
Crabbe and Goyle exchanged another knowing glance. "That's tempting too," said Crabbe, "But I like pranks."
"Where's Pomfrey with that drink?" whined Malfoy.
"She's trying to take your mind off your burns by letting you suffer from dehydration," said Goyle in a serious tone.
"You fool!"
"Come on, Goyle, let's go prank the Gryffindors."
"Ok. "
"You two do that," said Malfoy resignedly. "Let me suffer in solitude."
"Don't you mean you won't have long to suffer if she doesn't bring you a drink soon?" prompted Crabbe.
"Just go!" hissed Malfoy. "But do come visit before the week's up."
"Ok."
With that, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle left their dear friend Malfoy wrapped up like a mummy in the hospital wing, and went out to fend for themselves for the first time in.... well, since either of them could remember being at Hogwarts.
"This is strange." Crabbe announced after they had walked down the hall in silence for some time.
"What?"
"Malfoy's not here. Talking."
"Yeah, he does talk a lot," answered Goyle, frowning again.
"And another problem: How are we going to prank Potter and them?"
"I thought you had it all figured out, Crabbe." Goyle sighed in mock disappointment. They stopped walking, and found themselves in front of a suspicious-looking urn that resided against the wall.
"Malfoy usually figures these things out," said Crabbe, looking around for an idea. "Hey, was that urn there before?"
"Much as I enjoy interior design, I can't say that I've noticed either way," said Goyle without the slightest trace of irony.
"Oh, go on - interior design - hm. What's the point in having an urn if there's nothing in it?" Crabbe walked up to the urn and ran his fingers along the edge. He tapped it experimentally. The Pottery broke out into raucous song.
"What do you do with a drunken wizard/
What do you do with a drunken wizard/"
"Oh no - it's one of those Tap-on Tap-off things - shut it up," said Goyle, covering his ears clumsily.
Crabbe punched the urn, and it broke apart. Shards of cheap plaster covered the floor around them.
"throw him..ov...er...booaaa.."
"Heh."
"That was unnecessary, Vincent Crabbe," scolded Goyle. He strolled away from the scene of the crime, and Crabbe followed.
"Sorry, mum, but I'm hungry. Hey- let's raid the kitchen first. Then we can prank."
"Well.. I'm thinking about going on a diet...." started Goyle.
"No-"
"Heh-"
"Stupid. Come on," Crabbe took the lead.
"This is going to be interesting without Malfoy," said Goyle.
Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Crabbe and Goyle Unleashed! Will our heros honor their promise to visit the invalid Malfoy and write him a poem? Will they be successful in their plans to raid the kitchen or will they be thwarted by pesky, indigenous house elfs? Will they ever encounter the elusive Harry Potter or will they just be stuck with more singing Pottery?! The answers to these questions and more will be found in the upcoming installment!