warnings: END OF THE ABUSE OF HP CHARACTERS! "Hints of Slash," musical, the end.
Day 67-68 Tuesday - Wednesday - The Final Frontier.
Black wakes up to find himself alone in Bedroom Number Two. Snape's bed is suspiciously neat and made up today. Black frowns and scans the room before moving...
Black: ..... what... did he do? (but he cannot see anything that would indicate a prank) .... hm... (leans over bed, inspects floor.. nothing) Damn it, Snivellus... you made the bed to draw my attention away from whatever the prank might be... (looks overhead.. nothing)... well, well... the clever prankster has left no signs of his work.. I'll have to be extra careful today.. (he gingerly gets out of bed and heads to the bathroom)
Snape is already downstairs, watching TV with Lupin. They have finally figured out how to work the VCR and are now watching the movie-musical Oklahoma.
Lupin(brow furrowed): This is a bit different from wizard musical, eh?
Snape(skeptical): .... but not from the rest of muggle entertainment.
TV: They've gone about as fer as they can go...
Lupin: The lyrics rhyme?
Snape(ironically): Profound.
Lupin(folds arms): Perhaps we should open Sirius's liquor cabinet?
(Enter Black)
Black: I THOUGHT scheming was afoot! What are you doing? (stalks in - pauses at TV, is momentarily entranced by the singing and dancing, especially as Will grabs onto a post and jumps around) ... what are you watching???
Snape: This is the home video cassette.
Black(incredulous): This??
Lupin(nonplussed): The lyrics rhyme.
Black: Eh - what - ?
Snape: Why do you think we were going for the alcohol?
Black: Hasn't anyone made breakfast yet?!
Lupin: Good to see you're volunteering!
Black(frowns): Oh, all right... MAYBE THE HASH BROWNS WILL BE COOKED TODAY! (storms out)
Lupin(raises eyebrow): I thought he liked my hash browns.
Snape: No one likes your hash browns.
Lupin: ....Are you getting that alcohol or not?
Snape: .. (picks up remote, turns off movie) Maybe later. I will not eat food made by Sirius Black. (heads for kitchen)
In the kitchen, Black is putting a pan on the stove.. his eyes narrow as Snape glides in.
Black: Come to supervise?
Snape: ... (opens drawer, slowly removes pot) No... I am making.. my own breakfast.
Black: ah, didn't know you had it in you..
Snape: .. I thought you would remember that week when I cooked so often.... you seemed especially interested in what I was cooking back then.
Black(grimaces): those were TRYING circumstances... I was hardly in my right mind.
Snape: (shakes head)
(Black looks as if he is about to say something, but remains quiet. They work in silence for a few minutes, cooking at the stove side by side. Finally Black speaks)
Black: So what exactly did you do to the room this morning?
Snape: I made my bed.
Black: I saw that. .... What else did you do?
Snape: If you think I pranked you, Black.. I hope you don't think I'm as sophomoric as you.
Black: Oh come on, you have pranked in the past.
Snape: In the line of duty.
Black: hah! 'line of duty' -
Snape: something you wouldn't understand-
Black(turns angrily; fork in hand): Wait! ... And just what do you plan to do when you get out of here? Run back to Voldemort?
Snape: As I said "line of duty" - clearly something you don't comprehend.
(Enter Lupin, who sees their death stares and assumes the worst)
Lupin(calmly but firmly): Sirius - put the fork down. I don't want to clean up the mess..
Black(rolls eyes): I am not going to kill him with a fork!
Snape: Your concern moves me, Lupin..
Lupin(shrug): You have to talk to Sirius on Sirius-terms sometimes.
Black: Excuse me??
Lupin: Well.. (guilty grin) I didn't know how mad you were.
Black: YOu think the only motivating factor in stopping me is THE MESS?
Lupin: not "the only" Maybe just.. the most effective.
Black(clutches fork again): ARGH
Snape: I don't want to clean up the mess either.
Black: ok - ok - I have it... this is our last day here, correct?
Lupin: I hope so.
Snape: Please.
Black: We should just.. try to get along.
(Lupin raises both hands and looks up toward the ceiling)
Snape(snorts): Now you decide.
Black: What?!
Lupin: Sirius, we have been telling you this since day one!
Black: "We"?
Lupin: Well, I have been telling you this since day one.
Black: But I can't let you boss me around. I have to come to conclusions on my own. The tried and tested Black method yields similar results it just so happens...
Lupin(nods as if to child): -at impressively slower rates!
Black(looks down at pan): ... Both the means and the end count.
Snape: How do you propose we 'get along'? Does this mean you'll be sleeping outside tonight?
Black: I think we should settle down and have a family dinner, watch our muggle movie, and drink significant amounts of alcohol.
(they nod at each other; it is decided...)
Later that afternoon, Bertrum is seen investigating the premises. She sniffs at the baseboards in the living room, and follows along them into the hallway. Black comes jaunting down the hall.
Black: Hello, Bertrum!
Bertie: (pauses, looks up)
Black: How are you?
Bertie: (goes back to sniffing at wall)
Black: Oh, I see - don't talk to Sirius. you ARE the cat of Voldemort, aren't you?
Bertie: (sniffs)
Black:.. what are you sniffing? HAS SN- (changes tone) has the nice evil professor Snape done something to the baseboards?? (leans over next to the cat, experimentally runs finger along board) hm.... (sniffs at finger.) hmm...
(Enter Snape - now both Black and the cat are sniffing at the floor without any obvious logical reason.. Snape frowns slightly, observes..)
Black: Do you smell anything, Bertie?
Bertie: (continues moving down hallway)
Black: (crawls along after her) Ah - maybe I'll check the other side - (goes across hall on hands and knees - looks up, finally notices Snape) Oh. (clears throat) There's Professor Snape now. (stands up, trying to retain dignity) Hello Professor Snape.
Snape(not fooled): You are like some Gryffindor 13 year olds I know...
Black: But not your cat?
Snape: That is not my cat.
Black: She smells a rat.
Snape: That seems to be more your department than mine...
Black(oops): ah.. We all make the occassional mistake.... Anyway, I'm going to have some tea! (jaunts off)
Snape: .. has he been into the roach poison? (glances down at cat) Hm... (exit)
Dinner approaches with unusual speed. All three housemates meet in the kitchen at 1745hrs... Lupin sits at the table with pen and paper; the others follow suit.
Lupin: Ok... we have to plan dinner.
Black : Our last meal!
Lupin: We're not going to die, Sirius.
Black: Yes, but... change is upon us, and you know that can be difficult.
Snape: I suggest broccoli.
Lupin: Hm? Oh - dinner, yes. Do we have broccoli?
Snape: I don't know. It was just a suggestion.
Black(gets up): Well that's no help! I'll LOOK. (opens refrigerator, sticks head inside; talks from there) I ... uh - don't see any broccoli!
Lupin: Did you check the vegetable drawer?
Black: "Vegetable drawer"?!
Snape: (hand to forehead)
Lupin: OUR LAST MEAL AND YOU FINALLY DISCOVER THE VEGETABLE DRAWER!
Black(returns with head of broccoli in plastic bag): Now now.. I haven't been spending all my living moments in the kitchen.. Someone has had to uphold the integrity of the den as viable living space.
Snape: As opposed to viable ... inhabitable space?
Black(waves hand dismissively): semantics... semantics..
Lupin: I hate to interrupt, but we ought to eat more than broccoli. Any more suggestions?
Black: Meat.
Lupin: Ok, very good. What kind of meat?
Black: uh... what do we have?
Snape: You were just over there.
Black: (Sighs, goes back to refrigerator) NOW DONT TELL ME THERE'S A MEAT DRAWER...
Snape(sottovoce): I think the chicken breast in the refrigerator..
Lupin: Yeah... parmigiana?
Snape(raised eyebrow): Who's cooking?
Black(head in fridge) HEY! we have chicken breast in here!
Lupin(calls over to him): OK, put them in the sink!
Black: Righto!
Snape: It's like having a very slow house elf..
Lupin: We're trying to get along, remember?
Snape: Then I elect you to cook, for the sake of diplomacy.
Lupin: Fine.
Black(from fridge): Anything ELSE - while I'm over here?
Both: Tomato sauce.
Black: Uh - in the refrigerator?
Snape: (sharp intake of breath)
Black: haha - just kidding!
Lupin: Ok, I think.. I'll take over dinner from here.. why don't you two just... set the table and then wait?
Black: (closes door) sounds like a plan. (he puts the sauce cans on the countertop, returns to the table; looks at snape expectantly)
Lupin(gets up): I'm going to start cooking.
(leaves Black and Snape glaring at each other)
Snape: .... yes?
Black: You heard Remus. We have to set the table.
Snsape(stands slowly): Get the napkins.
Black: ... what (eyes narrow) You're not getting.... the utensils, are you?
Snape: Someone has to..
Lupin(glances over shoulder; shakes head): Don't break anything.
(Snape and Black head to their respective corners of the kitchen, but meet at the table again, plates and napkins in hand. They try to ignore each other, but at the third setting Snape puts a plate down on Black's hand as he reaches to adjust a napkin.)
Black: Hey! (jerks hand away - the plate thumps loudly on the table--)
Snape: Ah-
Black: er-
Lupin(looks over shoulder): What - dont BREAK anything!
Black: Ok, well.. (pause) .... utensils... (they both stride to the drawer - meet uncomfortably as they reach for the handle) I'll get them.
Lupin: I WILL GET THEM. (grabs handful of forks, knives from drawer; stalks over to table) Ok. (dumps them in heap in middle) Good. Now you two - go have a drink.
Snape: Oh the bitter seductive wiles of the kitchen.. always turns its owner into the jealous, power-driven slave who-
Lupin: That's quite enough, Professor Snape.
Snape: Perhaps I should have gone into literary criticism...
Black: Yes, alcohol. (exit)
Snape: Indeed. (exit)
Lupin: Ah, peace for a bit.... hmm.. (looks at ingredients he has assembled on the countertop; frowns) Er... chicken parmigian...?
By the time dinner is ready, Black and Snape have consumed... a few drinks.
Lupin(sitting at table): What is going on?
Black(grins): Snivellus and I were just discussing how muggle television works.
Lupin(raises eyebrow): Oh?
Snape: He thinks it's - and I quote - "Something to do with electrical wiring."
Black: Well it HAS wires coming out the back - you can't deny that.
Snape: One of them is a cable wire.
Black: cable- electricity one depends on the other!
Lupin: er... I don't know.. Why don't you two sit down? (they sit, but continue their heated discussion)
Snape: -I think cable could exist without electricity.
Black: No - how would you know?
Snape: ... It could exist theoretically.. Does a tree make a noise if it falls and no one's there to hear it?
Black: Don't BEG the question - no one would SEE the cable if there weren't electricity!
Snape: Electricity can't account for every muggle invention.
Black: Yes it can.
Snape: What about gas?
Lupin: Uh, guys? (neither of them has touched the food)
Black: Gas? No one uses GAS anymore.
Snape: I don't think you can explain the television with electricity.
Black: It's better than YOUR explanation.
Snape: (points at overhead light) That light has electricity. But it doesn't project an image. What projects the image on the television?
Black: You tell me, O wise sage!
Snape: (drinks from glass of water) Well.... perhaps ... some sort of prism?
Lupin(starts to laugh): how much alcohol have you two had?
Black: Not that much! This is a serious discussion.
Lupin: If we hadn't voted Harry out, he could tell us.
Snape(shakes head): Do you think the average muggle knows how a television works?
Lupin(frowns): Why not?
(Black meanwhile starts to eat)
Black: mm good.
Snape: Why would they learn that?
Lupin: So they can fix it when it breaks?
Snape: Too complicated.
Black: obviously - if HE can't undersatnd it, it MUST be beyond the bounds of all logic!
Snape(sideways smirk): Well, yes... that was my reasoning...
Lupin(stands): What were you guys drinking?
Black: It wasn't labelled.
Lupin(goes to door): Yes, I think I'll have some of that.
Snape(to Black): It's a perfectly serious discussion.
Black: Honestly.
Snape: Electricity is too simplistic an answer.
Black: I think "cable wires" and "prisms" don't make sense either. I mean - an infinitely moving prism couldn't even produce such detailed pictures!
Snape: I'll grant you that. (frowns; pushes food around plate with fork)
Black: This is good chicken.
Snape: Yes.
they eat in ponderous silence, at least until Lupin returns and strikes up a new conversation)
Within the hour they have finished dinner and made it into the den. Lupin stands in front of the tv.
Lupin: ok - well I'm glad to see you two are both still alive and not at each other's throats.
Snape: I resent that.
Lupin: That's not what I meant. (clears throat) Ah, this is the only video cassette that we have. So, without further adieu, let's watch it. (sticks the tape into the player very carefully, watches expectantly; the movie begins) Ok.
(he joins them on the couch, the three sitting in a row)
Black: This is the same one you were watching earlier today? (takes drink off coffee table)
Snape(deadpan): It's a laugh riot.
Lupin: I'm sure it will improve upon second viewing.
Snape: hm...
Lupin: And not because we know what to expect either!
Black: hahah!
(Film begins - within minutes main character Curly begins singing)
Black: THE SINGING!
Lupin: Yes, they sing quite often.
Black: We should have a drink every time they sing.
Snape: I don't want to pass out tonight.
Black: Hah - who said anything about passing out? (takes another swig)
(30 minutes later - Black is ... well)
Black(arm around Lupin's shoulder, singing along and swaing with the music): IM JUSS' A GIRL WHO CAN'T SAY NO!
Lupin: this is NOT a drinking song, Sirius!
Snape: (arm to face, trying not to be seen) hahahahah....
Black: -Imm in a terrible FIX! I alwayss say Come on le'ss go-
Snape: good thing this song has so many verses..
Lupin: I know! You'd think the memory capacity would be upset by the alcohol!
Black: -juss' when I oughta say NIX!
Snape: (still laughing) Maybe I'd better not kill him. He is too pathetic-
Black: HEYYYY - I heard that-
Lupin: No you didn't!
Snape: No, you were singing along.
Black: I's a GOOD song. (takes another drink, looks to Lupin) muggle entertainment issscertainly entertaining, eh, Moony?
Lupin: I think you're more entertaining than the film at this point...
Snape: There's more entertainment ahead.
(one hour later)
Black: OHHHHHH JUDD ISSSUCH A NAS'Y-
Snape: Quiet - you don't understand the depth of character-
Lupin: Whaddreyou two talking about? (clears throat) this is not Greek tragedy!
Black: GOOD THING-
Snape: (jumps up from sofa suddenly ) HAH! (runs from room, albeit in a uneven pattern)
Lupin: haha - whats he doing??
Black: I hope 'ssno' to do wi'h greek tragedy!
(they fall into each other laughing - Snape returns - with an old-fashioned red magnet in hand)
Snape: Ah (stumbles over to TV)
Lupin: hahah - Severus, how drunk are you?
Snape: Potions masters never get drunk! (grabs onto TV for balance) Now - BEHOLD (holds magnet against TV screen)
Black: WHAT?
(colorful patterns begin to emerge as Snape moves around the magnet)
Lupin: No magic!
Snape: it's not magic... it's magnetism.. (eyes gleam brightly)
Black: He's MAD! HAHAHAH
Snape(pulls away magnet triumphantly): The television works by some sort of magnetic force. (at black) NOT electricity!
Black: WHAT YOU NEED-
Lupin: (tries to restrain him) Hey hey - what'd you do to the television?!
Snape: What? (turns around; the screen is reduced to faded blotches of red, green, and blue. Snape frowns) .......
Black: HAHAHAH
Snape: I'm a potions master.. not a magnetist.
Black (falls over): Hahah-
Snape(hand to head, sits again): The television is blue.
Lupin: And green!
Black: An - hahahah - ahh-
Lupin: Red.
Black: you bro'e it!
Snape(looks at clock): It's 7:30, and we're all completely drunk and television is broken... (pause as he and Lupin absorb this)
Lupin: heh -
Snape: haha-
Black: AH HAAHHAHAHAH
Snape: hah - it's a good thing I'm drunk, you know -
Lupin: hahahh -
Snape: Or I wouldn't point out the roach that's (chuckles) that's crawling down the wall behind Black's head-
Black: WHAT! (spins around; spots the offender) OHHHHHh, flying fiend! - where's my cleaning solution!!?
Lupin: What they fly?? HAHHAAH!
Snape: You didn't know, Lupin?
Lupin: hahah - no idea- WHOA! (Black has made a sudden dive at the roach on the wall, knocking Lupin towards the coffee table; he grabs onto Snape's arm for support)
Snape: Aagh-
Lupin: HEY Sirius!
Black(slams shoe, which he has removed, into wall; the roach runs) AHHH TRICKY DEVIL! IT SCURRIES! I CAN HEAR ITS LITTLE FEET - AGH (tries to reach down behind sofa)
Lupin: Hahahahah
Snape(drunkly cheerful): hes really going to kill us all isnt he?
Lupin: Ohhhh probably-
Black: AGh - MUST - (jumps back from sofa, tries to push it out of way)
Lupin: HAAEYy-
(they are jerked about on the sofa)
Snape: Damn it, Black!
Black: (stops suddenly - looks at Snape, still fallen over on the couch. He leans over at Snape) I am not going to kill anybody except the flying fiend..
Lupin: heh - that was surprisingly lucid, Sirius!
Black(mock offense) I AM A RESSPONSIBLE DRUNK. (head whips back toward wall) wheredd that damnthing go??
Lupin: hhahaah
Snape: i wonder what that muggle alcohol was-
Lupin: you can get off me now, Severus-
Snape: (moves over) I dont think he can fit behind the couch like this-
Black(trying to squeeze behind sofa) ITS GONE
Lupin: Of course it is. It was TERRIFIED
Black: Hah (lets himself fall over arm of sofa; misjudges and knocks into Snape) a-whoops!
Snape(falls back into Lupin again): Black!
Lupin: AGH - GO FIX THE TV!!
Three hours later we see all three passed out on sofa. The tv is still on and still gaussed. A roach crawls across the floor.
Next morning, Black wakes up around 6
Black: Ohhhhh (looks around) HAH (covers mouth quickly) heh.. they're still asleep. (tries to extricate himself from sofa) Ok. (looks at TV, frowns) He really broke that damned thing.. heh with a magnet.. (shakes head) Muggles.
Lupin(looks up): hm?
Snape(tries to move, mostly asleep, falls off sofa with thud): owh.
Black: (snickers) ahhh hahaha - Do you know what time it is?
Snape(opens eyes blearily): 6:15.
Black(glances at clock): You peeked.
Snape(pulls himself to his feet): the sun is coming up. theres only a small window of time in which it could be this light..
Black: unless it were CLOUDY!
Snape: (blinks irritably) I just woke up.
Lupin: arguing already!? (stretches, now that he has sofa to himself)
Black: I elect Remus to cook breakfast.
Lupin: COOK? (sits up) We are getting real lunch in the wizard world as soon as they announce the winner and let us out of here!
Snape: real food...
Black: Are you still drunk? (chuckles)
Snape: Drunk? I don't know what you're talking about, Black. Clearly you were too far gone to correctly remember last night's events.
Black: what!?
Lupin: (grins)
Black(storms away): Don't even start - I thought it was too early in the morning for this!
Snape: Big Brother.. I'd like to make a special request..
BigBrother: What?
Snape: Announce the winner
Lupin: Put us out of our misery.
Black(comes back into room): Yes??
BigBrother: (adopts its usual pompous tone) It IS in fact, Wednesday Eviction Day. But as you housemates well know, this is no special eviction. It is the day that marks the END of the Big Brother Challenge-
Black(in similar tone): -Indeed, one of the most pointless and moronic events any set of wizards has participated in to date-
BigBrother: That is quite enough, Mr. Black - TODAY YOU DISCOVER THE WINNER AND GO HOME!
Lupin: A win-win situation!
BigBrother: You three should be proud that you have made it this far. It shows that you not only have survival skills, but the intrapersonal skills to charm the audience as well as other housemates-
Black: I wouldn't go that far..
BigBrother: You have seen challenges UNIMAGINABLE, and been forced into situations that required quick physical as well as mental reflexes. You have been -
Snape: Oh, get on with it!
BigBrother: SO NOW THE ANNOUNCEMENT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! By a margin of ONE VOTE, Remus Lupin has been elected the winner!!
Black: 'EY!
Lupin(surprised): WHAT?
Snape(raised eyebrow): That's odd..
BigBrother: Strange but true. TheAuthor even refrained from voting.
Lupin: I won? Are you sure a recount is not necessary?
Black: GREAT! WHy shouldn't you win? You're the peace-keeper.
Snape: (a grumble) you cook.
Lupin: Ok. what do I win?
BigBrother: (dramatic pause) The game.
(pause)
Lupin: What's the prize?
BigBrother: Perhaps you should have asked that BEFORE you entered the contest....
Black: Wait - there's no prize?
Snape(ironically): The very honor of having participated should be prize enough..
BigBrother: Precisely. NOW MOVE OUT, HOUSEMATES - you are housemates no more!
Lupin: (brightens) Let's go!
Black: I can pack faster than you..
Snape: (says nothing; strides off towards stairs)
Lupin: I don't know - you'll have to contend with Severus...
Black: oh damn - NO HEAD STARTS!
Lupin: Let's go!
And they dash off for the staircase after Snape - slow fade until nothing remains but a gaussed red,blue, and green screen with the words THE END..
Bertie: aimee
Black: copacabana, padfoot&prongs, laura, lilsi
Lupin: lupin'schic, becca, reinecke, urges, kd, PIXIE, lufia
Snape: jany03, michelle, roseanne, canadianvamp, spaced out space cadet, wacko
final comments? a teary goodbye?