 |
| BIRDS AND THE BEES A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At 7, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for." CHEAP PERFUME An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!" The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound." DUMBER BY THE MINUTE A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets." ELEPHANT PENIS There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis. "Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure." The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks. The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?" The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again. "Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?" Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!" GOODBYE PRAYER One night a father overhears his son saying his prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Good-bye, Grampa," the boy intones. Well, the father thinks it a bit strange, but soon forgets about it. The next day, the Grandfather dies. About a month or two later, the father hears his son saying his prayers. Once again, "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Good-bye, Grammy." The next day the grandmother dies. Well, the father gets more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overhears his son's prayers. "God bless Mommy. Good-bye, Daddy." This alone nearly gives the father a heart attack. He doesn't say anything, but he gets up early to go to work so that he can miss the traffic. He stays all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he goes home and he's still alive! When he gets home he apologizes to his wife. "I am sorry, Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY?" the wife yells. "The mailman dropped dead on our doorstep this morning!!" MEXICO BUNGEE JUMPING Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need_ a tower, elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up in the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. After they have everything ready, they decide to give the crowd a demonstration. As the first guy gets prepped up, the second guy walks way back behind the crowd to get a good view of everything. The first guy finally jumps. He disappears behind the mass of people, and then bounces back up, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that his friend has a few cuts and scratches. Assuming the cord was too long allowing his friend to scrape the ground, he starts rushing towards his friend. The first guy falls again, bounces as the bungee cord gets taught and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy is still trying to get through the crowd to help his friend. As the bungee cord reaches its recoil maximum, the first guy is once again headed back towards the ground and then bounces once again back into the air. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally gets to the front of the crowd and catches his friend asking, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first mumbles, "No, the cord was fine... but what the HELL is a pi�ata?" |
 |
| TO THE LION'S DEN |
 |
| MUCH CLOWN LOVE |