Title: The Invasion Of The Ex Lovers
Disclaimer: Not my characters, but you already know that. It's a mad
man's work.
Rating: R (chant with me- R is for riley who makes me sick), this is
REALLY hard for some parts, it's also a satire, so don't flame me.
If you are easily offended and very touchy when it comes to violence
and
bad language, don't read this story. It's full of it.
Author: (send your flames this way.. lol) Nate
Summary: uh.. see title?
Author's note: I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every moment of
it.
I do suffer from emotional breakdown.. Too much B/A depression for my
liking, I feel drained and exhausted, and I can't tolerate colonel
cowf*cker anymore.
Dedication: To.. Um lets see.. KIM my psychotwin, Alex for not knowingly
giving me the idea, the other cool ppl- Crysta, Sweetz, Callie, Cass,
Sam of course for introducing me to other rileyhaters, and if I forgot
anyone I've talked with on ICQ, it's for you too, and all this list,
that except for the unfun spoilers still keeps me happily insane.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The place looks like a neglected living room. A blue dusty carpet on
the
wooden floor, 5 chairs in a row... a buzz is heard in the room.
Cut to the audience. They are cheering. In the front row we can identify
Spike (he wouldn't miss it for the [end of the] world), Faith (she
wouldn't miss it for the world too), Willow, Xander (making out with)
,
Anya, Giles (muttering something like 'good heavens, what am I doing
in
this cultural slaughter fest?' couldn't hear because of all the buzz
around), Cordelia and Wesley ("Hey we gotta support our employer, we
might get extra for that" - Cordy)
The noise fades slowly and the narrator starts speaking-
Narrator: And tonight on the show- the slayer is going to tell her
boyfriend to drop dead, because her ex lover is back in her heart,
(Ooooooooooooo from the audience) but, she's in for some surprises
because we brought some of her ex lovers companions, can you smell
the
blood shed?
("Blood? Did he say blood?" Spike is suddenly intrigued)
Narrator: ... And please welcome.. Jerrrrrrrrrry Springerrrrrrrrr!
(the audience go wild, Giles and Wesley duck in their places)
Jerry Springer enters the stage.
Jerry: Thank you, thank you. I love me. (someone throw panties on him-
Oooh Willow?? We had no idea...) Oh thank you red.
Tonight we have here a talented young slayer, Buffy Summers (audience
go
wild), she finally going to tell her new boyfriend riley finn (audience
boos) Wait, that's not it. (flips through his text) Oh my god, this
*is*
his real name! Wasn't he on our "Ma hates my guts" episode?
(shrugs), riley is a demon hunter, ("But he's not a rouge demon hunter,
there is only but one!" - Wesley) but he doesn't know that his
girlfriend's ex lover is a demon! And that she's still in love with
him,
visiting him in L.A, Actually she doesn't know that too! But all secrets
will be revealed tonight! I just love me! Please welcome Buffy
Summers!!!
The audience goes wild as Buffy enters the stage, fighting with a
vampire, she pulls out a stake and dust him. The audience cheering
loudly. She looks at them and bows.
Buffy: Thank you!
Jerry: She's the vampire slayer! In every generation there is only one-
Faith gets up and yells- Hey! I'm a vampire slayer too!!
Jerry: Two slayers?
Other girls stand up on their feet. "I'm a vampire slayer too!"
"Me too!" "I'm a slayer!!" "And me too!"
Jerry: But you're a guy
Guy: You chauvinist pig! It's the 21st century!
Jerry: I thought the slayers were females
Guy: Well I was!
Jerry: Okay, so, Buffy. You're the original vampire slayer"
Buffy: I was, but this season I don't know who I am anymore.
Jerry: What? You're gay?
Buffy: No! But it's worse, you see, in the previous seasons I was
strong, I kept my identity a secret, I fought the bad guys, won every
time, I could say no and mean it, I had a sexy drop undead gorgeous
boyfriend...
But this season.. I was beaten up and ran away already in the first
episode! And evvvvverybody knows who I am, I have this mutant excuse
for
a normal human boyfriend (Spike gets up and claps his hands
frantically), he thinks he's superb in bed (the audience goes
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW), I'm so needy, crying and it's just not me
anymore.
Jerry: So you decided to put an end to it.
Buffy: Yeah, that's why I'm here.
Jerry: So you can tell riley who's the love of your life.
Buffy: Can't wait to see the look on his face!
Jerry: So let's invite him in! Ladies and Gentlemen! Please welcome
Buffy's boyfriend, he's a commando in the secret organization called
'The Initiative'. Watch your backs! This ain't no friendly G.I Joe!
He's
ugly, pig face, straw hair, bunny lip, he's on drugs, he's from Iowa,
if
your car honk dies, he can fill in, it's rillllllllllley FISH BOY
finnnnn!!!!
The audience boos and starts throwing stuff at the stage as riley
enters. Spike throw a tomato which hit riley on the head and explodes.
riley: Ouch!
Buffy and riley sit on the first 2 chairs.
riley: Buffy, you're here!
Jerry: Yes she's here, and she's got something to tell you.
riley: Hey! Jerry Springer! Woah! I was on your show once!
Jerry: Really? Don't you just love me?? I sure do! Which ep was it?
riley: I know it by heart it was "I love my cow", I was a minor then,
so
I sent in my big brother Billy Bob to play my part. You probably saw
my
cousins Bobby Bill and Mary Beth, and Mary Jane and Sue Allen and...
My
love Bessie, it was my first appearance in telev-
Snoring sounds coming from the audience.
Jerry: We have a moment of history in our show! The audience FELL
ASLEEP!
The camera pans around the audience. Everyone are sleeping, heads
against heads, saliva dribbling from open mouths, some people snore,
others twitch...
riley: you meat eaters!
The audience waking up, and the show continues right after the
commercial breaks.
Back.
Jerry: We're back! Have no fear, we have connected riley to our
Audience cheers.
Jerry: Buffy, you have something to tell riley?
Buffy: Yes. (facing riley) riley, I hate you. I never loved you. I
riley: What? But why? Don't you love me? Everyone loves me! Ma loves
me,
Buffy: You do this annoying thing with your lips.
riley: What thing?
Buffy: this smile. Your upper lip like curls upwards and disappears.
riley: I was born that way! Everyone in our clan has these finn lips.
Buffy: Okay, whatever.
Jerry: What else do you want to tell riley? It's your chance to spill
Buffy: You never wash your hair. Why can't you have a decent haircut?
I
riley: But Ma said.. (*bzzzzzzzzzzz*) OUCH! (angrily) I
didn't even
Buffy: would you stop honking for a second? You're so boring. I can't
Riley: Bessie thinks I'm good!
Buffy: I'm not Bessie!
riley: don't talk about her in that tone!
Buffy reaches out to choke riley, she catches him by his lapels and
Buffy: I hate you!! DIE!!!
He pushes her and she slaps him, he tries to punch her but she blocks
it
Jerry: Yes! Yes! More! More!
Buffy straightens her clothes and goes back to sitting. Riley does the
Jerry: Was that ALL you wanted to tell riley?
Buffy: No. (turning to riley) I'm in love with someone else. I thought
riley: What?? Who? Why? Don't you lov- (*bzzzz*) OUCH!
Buffy: His name is Angel.
The audience goes wild, cheering and whistling. "He's my boss!"- Cordy
Buffy: He's sexy, gorgeous more than words can say, and he's a vampire.
riley: Wh-wh-what??? A VAMPIRE??? YOU'RE DUMPING ME FOR A VAMPIRE???
He reaches out his hands and grasps her shirt, she throw him away.
Buffy: He has a soul. He can't have sex, but I don't think I ever wanna
Jerry: Let's invite Angel in.
The girls in the audience go wild. A group of girls stand up and clap
Angel (waves to the group of girls): Hey Nate! Kim! Alex! Sweetz! Sorry
The girls put their hands around the (leather) pants they are wearing
Angel walks over to the place where Buffy and riley are sitting. He
Angel: Hello lover
Buffy: Angel...
He smiles and takes the sit on the other side of riley, snarling at
him.
riley: so that's Angel? He's a hottie!
Buffy: Go fuck your tractor or something, he's mine!
Jerry: Angel, it's a pleasure having you here!
Buffy (smiling): I'm pleasantly numb!
She looks confused.
Buffy: woah, deja vu!
Jerry: Angel, you got something to tell Buffy?
Angel looks at her.
Angel: In 245 years, I never loved anyone but you, (Audience: awwww)
The door breaks in, we see kate and jheira falling in, fighting.
Kate: he's mine! I was there before!!
Jheira: Fuck off bitch! He's mine!
Kate punches her and jheira punches her back, they fall and land in
Kate and jheira: Hi Angel! What a nice surprise!
Angel sighs and turns to Buffy: I've never stopped loving you.
Buffy (blinking back tears): Me too... I just can't forget you...
The audience goes AWWWWWWWW.
Jerry: Angel, you still have something to say to Buffy.
Angel: I can't believe you had sex with this dork
Riley: hey! Who you're calling dork! You're a vampire!
A tomato hits him on the face.
riley: Ouch!
jhiera: Who's that pig?
kate: who's that burning hunk of love?
jhiera: What? You're actually attracted to him? My horny signal died
at
kate: he's a pig, I'm a cop, we're a match! 'sides, Angel is taken,
he's
kate runs over to riley and kisses him. riley drops her and she falls
on
riley: I'm a one man's cow! I mean, one cow's man!
kate pulls out a gun, riley pulls out his gun, they start to struggle,
kate: so that's it? I get nothing??
jhiera: You get a fireball!
Jhiera burns kate to death, the audience is cheering wildly as kate
Jhiera walks over to Buffy: Now is your turn! It's time for Angel to
She tries to burn Buffy, but Angel vamps out, roaring at her then he
The audience goes wild, and Angel reverts back to his human face.
Jerry: Wow and the body count is rising! Angel, do you have something
Angel: Buffy, when I... when you came to L.A and were in my office...
riley: What? You went to his office while we were dating?
The two ignore him, looking intensely at each other.
Angel: The Morah demon's blood mixed with mine and I was human...
Buffy: What??
Angel: We made love a few times even on my kitchen table...
Cut to the audience. Ooooooooh. Cordy: "What kitchen table? *His*
Buffy: Then how come I don't remember?? I could never forget that!
Angel: I was weak as a human, and couldn't help you fight, so I asked
Buffy slaps him on the face.
Angel (stroking his cheek): What was that for?
Buffy: Can't you be more selfish sometimes?? I fought alone before!
Jerry: Yes! Spill out everything! More! More! Dish! Dirt!
riley: so what? They think *their* love is forbidden?? Because of this
Buffy: Angel, I love you. I could never have a normal life, can't you
Angel: The Morah demon told me that together we are strong, and that
the
Buffy: So, ok, you're a vampire again. But we could still be together.
Crowd goes AWWWWWWWWWW.
Angel: I left so you could have a normal life, find a normal guy.
riley gets up, smiling widely.
Buffy: What normal guy? He? Puh-lease! Who brainwashed you into this?
Crowd starts coughing: Joyce. Joyce. Joyce. Joyce.
Buffy: Mom?? She's behind it???
Jerry: And we have here- Joyce Summers! Author of the best-seller "101
Joyce enters the stage, the audience starts to throw stuff at her,
Buffy: Damn, I wanted to do that!
Jerry: I think we still have some stuff to reveal. Don't you?
Audience coughs. Willow. Willow. Willow. Willow.
Willow: What? I didn't do anything!
Audience coughs again. Liar. Liar. Liar. Liar.
Willow (whiningly): I didn't lie!
riley: you never told Buffy I like cheese!
Jerry: If memory serves, Angel got poisoned last year...
Faith gets up and throws her hands in the air. "I did it!"
Jerry: He mistaken you for Buffy, and said..
Willow: Oh! I remember now! He said he didn't want to leave and that
he
The audience boos and throws stuff at her. She ducks, and a knife
Buffy: What? Will? Why didn't you tell me? I thought you were my best
Willow: I was too busy! I forgot!
Buffy: Too busy? Doing what?
Audience coughs. Oz. Oz. Oz. Oz.
Buffy: Oz?
Willow: I...
Someone in the crowd shouts: She was too busy screwing Oz!
Willow: But what it has to do with anything? It's over now, and it's
not
Jerry: Speaking of liars... Xander, some of our audience, still remember
Xander: Me?
Jerry: I'll refresh your memory. Angel was evil. Buffy needed to kill
Buffy: You told me Willow said kick his ass!!
Willow: You lied to her?? I've never said kick his ass! That I'm sure
of!
Angel: It's of the past. I forgive you, Xander.
Buffy (mutters): Just for the record, I don't.
She faces Angel and takes his hands in her: I killed you.
Angel: I came back.
Buffy: Stay with me?
Angel: I'll never leave you. Not even if you kill me.
Buffy: I love you.
Angel: I love you too.
They start kissing, the kiss deepens to the squeals and claps and cheers
Jerry: Wait, wait. It's my show! Don't you love me??
A cow enters the stage.
riley: OH MY GOD! IT'S BESSIE!!!!!
Bessie: Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!!!
The cow runs straight to Jerry and.. um.. (is there a rating higher
than R?)
Jerry: OUCH!!!! SHE ATE MY BALLS!
riley: Bessie! I'm here, honey! Don't you recognize me?
Bessie: Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!!!
riley: What??? You love Jerry??? NO!!! YOU'RE MINE!!!
riley walks over to Jerry Springer and punches him, breaking his
The audience goes wild and herds the stage.
Spike motioning with his hand: Kill him!!! Kill him!!
riley leaps onto Bessie's back.
riley: run Bessie run!
The crowd surrounding them and they dropping riley from Bessie's back.
Cut to Angel and Buffy. They are still kissing each other passionately,
The cameramen try to calm down the people. A few staff members are
Finally the crowd goes back to sit in their places.
riley starts taking out sporks from his body.
riley: that hurts! I can't stand the pain!
He takes a few more sporks from his ass and his back. He throws the
Bessie: Muhh...
riley turns around, seeing he accidentally hit Bessie in her chest with
riley: Bessie!!
Bessie: muh..uh
And she dies in his arms. If the soundman was still alive you could
have
riley: Oh my god! I killed Bessie!!!! You bastard! What have I done?
Why
Crowd: SHUT UP riley finn!!!
riley sobs. He takes the spork that killed Bessie and stabs himself,
The audience cheers. Angel and Buffy break their kiss finally. They
are
The crowd clapping hands and whistling.
Narrator: I sadly announce, that due to the sudden demise of Jerry
The crowd starts leaving the place, stepping on riley's corpse on the
FADE OUT.
electricity box, if he doesn't behave
wanted to kill you since I first dropped the heavy book on your head.
Too bad you didn't get the message back then and it gone this far.
Billy Bob lov- (electricity on making-) *bzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
OUCH!
Scary!
Even my Bessie!
out EVERYTHING! Don't you love me?
thought you were supposed to be normal.
complete my sentan- (*bzzzzzzzzzzz*) OUCH! QUIT IT! (*BZZZZZZZZZ*)
OUCH!
QUIT IT!
stand you. And frankly, the sex wasn't that good. Heck, it was gross,
I
felt like a...
shakes him. The audience cheers.
and punches him back.
same.
that if I hang out with you, I'd forget him, but it didn't help.
announces.
have sex again after you showed me just how disgusting it is, so we
can
be back together. I gotta thank you for it.
hands hysterically. They are wearing t-shirts that say "BITE
ME!"
Angel walks in, wearing all black.
I couldn't find my leather pants... any of 'em!
and hurry to sit down.
leans and kisses Buffy, while riley is watching in awe.
Buffy gets up, forces riley on his feet and pushes him to her chair,
now
she's sitting close to Angel.
even though they tried to attach me to some-
front of Angel and Buffy.
They both raise their heads with an oafish stare.
the sight of him.
with his ex, you horny excuse for an alien!
her butt.
shouting are heard, the illuminator's in charge drops dead to the floor
from above. The staff gets on the stage to separate kate and riley.
dies. ("can I drink her? Bloody hell did she have to have all the fun
for herself!" Spike mutters and Willow pats his shoulder)
move on! You bring him nothing but suffering! I can be perfect for
him!
He belongs with me!
gets up and quickly snaps her neck.
else to say? We know it, But Buffy doesn't.
kitchen table? Doyle never mentioned *that* part! OH MY GOD! I ate
on
this table!" Wesley: "Surely we must have inserted love fluids
into our
nourishment by eating on it".
the oracles.. the Powers that be, to turn back the day and it never
existed.
stupid thing called nature, Bessie and I can't have a normal life.
We
can't get married and have children. She needs to find a - (*bzzzzzz*)
OUCH!
see? I need you. I need you so I could be myself again, and be strong.
end of days are coming. You would have died a lot earlier if I weren't
using my vampire's strength.
Forever. That's the whole point.
ways to ground and make your teenage better-looking-than-you daughter
miserable and make her sexy boyfriend who you sadly can't have for
yourself leave town". Come in, Joyce!
including a chair, it hits her on the head and she breaks her neck
and
dies. Audience cheers loudly.
needed her. I forgot about that.
scratches Spike's arm. "Hey! Watch the heart you bloody ignorant squab!
Can't you aim??"
friend!
like I lied. I was just too self-absorbed to remember.
what you did last summer.
him, but Willow decided to do the curse and sent you out to tell Buffy
she's doing the curse and keep Angelus away from...
from the audience.
glasses. Jerry punches back. They start fighting. The soundman falls
from his high stage and the big furry microphone falls on Jerry and
breaks his neck. He dies.
The audience starts beating the crap out of riley.
totally immersed in one another, not caring for the whole ado around
them.
The crowd starts stabbing riley with their sporks and he screams of
pain
and agony.
putting kate, jheira, joyce and Jerry in body bags.
Angel and Buffy are still kissing passionately with lots of tongue
and
spit trails. Buffy is sitting on Angel's lap and her hands are around
his neck. He hugs her waist.
sporks he took out behind him.
the spork. He runs to her.
heard melodramatic soap music, but since he's dead, you can only hear
riley's honking, er talking.
God why? Have I not been a faithful subject? Have I not gone to church
every Sunday? Have I not...
falling on her corpse.
getting up on their feet and walking hand in hand out of the studio.
Springer, and significant crew members, the Jerry Springer Show will
no
longer air. Our condolences to the pure and incorrupt people in the
United States of America and abroad, if there are left any.
way.