I'm behind my desk, just sitting here,

It's usually the hottest month of the year.

But it's raining so gently, penetratingly soft,

And it's nice to be cool after it's been so hot.

It's been raining solid for just on five days,

Will I ever again behold the sun's gaze?

"Though I can't take the heat and humidity,

This rain's so depressing, it's getting to me.

As I sit and I watch, it starts pelting again,

Screaming defiantly, "Your hopes are in vain!.

If you want some sunshine, you'll have to atone,

For sins past and present, both known and unknown."

And punishment can be a terrible thing,

By recalling what you don't want remembering.

It's painful enough without rain screaming loud,

"Your sins can't be hidden by the biggest dark cloud."

"So you better up and forgive and forget,

'Though forgetting is something that's hardest I bet.

And the person who must be first in the queue,

Is the most important, 'cause that one is you."

"So forgive yourself for your guilts of the past,

Because guilt and sin does not hold up the mast.

Of your ship as it sails through storms and calm seas,

Of the life you are living without that release."

Allison D Bell 15/02/2002

I pace the path towards the portal

The walk is lined with luscious palm trees.

Home to flocks of doves which seem so tranquil,

Yet fight the minah's which their nests assail.

The sound of waves crashing on the rock-lined shore,

Explode like cannons firing in my turmoiled head.

Yet this is no vacation island of contentment,

But the gateway to the source of all my pain.

How did I get here to this place where all is wrung,

With no anaesthetic to dull my aching pain?

And all my anger, moods and sexual preference

Are ripped like molars from my earliest memories.

How did I get off that spinning treadmill,

That kept me running, sprinting mindlessly?

Although there were some haunting lightning flashes,

It kept me from what I would not, could not see.

Yet while my feet were spinning on that treadmill,

my tormented past would knot up in my throat.

And sleep escaped me night after endless night,

And on TV, revolt and mass starvation.

But I evolved to cope upon that treadmill,

What happened to my brain, progress or retrogress?

And suddenly I tripped and I was falling.

Into this deep dark pit of wretchedness.

Allison D Bell 18/03/2001