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| A Monster In My Life by � valentinadesigns (I share the following which I examined during week one of the book, The Artist�s Way, as a creature in my "monster hall of fame"). My mega monster which gave me the biggest blockage in my life I met in the kindergarten as I was around 5 or 6 years old. I remember her very well. She had a round ros� face and curly wild red hair. This meeting with her had an effect which I carried my long school life with me without knowing it. I suffered a lot in the class with my classmates. I always thought, I was stupid, not intelligent and I could not do mathematics (and this I thought was, why I am stupid in all areas) and this idea did grow with every day. This red hair woman (devil?) in the kindergarten tried to do mathematics with me. The room was full with children. I was a daydreamer. Never concentrated on things which did not catch my interests (only her red hair was somehow funny). So I did not know what she was talking about (3+5= is how much?). She was without any patient. She yelled at me. I was scared. "YOU STUPID GIRL"�."HOW MUCH IS IT?". (why she is so angry with me?")�.("why is everyone starring at me?"). "YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THIS". ("oh what is going on?")�.yelling�yelling�yelling�.yelling. She was very loud and I was ashamed, embarrassed, scared and hurt. And most of all, I thought, something was wrong with me. I am an outsider. "Out-of-the- circle". That is terrible for every little child. I never talked again in the class. I did not want to have this terrible situation again. The teacher asked me something�.no chance, I did not open my mouth. Everyone starring at me�.similar situation. Better not to say anything. And why I should?. I am stupid and I would never understand it. So�.why say anything? Especially in mathematics I was very bad. But again, that is something what I would never learn. That is what I already knew. Why put effort into it? Many years later as I went back to school I remembered this situation in the kindergarten and that is the reason why I had so many problems with mathematics. To discover that was a big step forward. I had the will to learn and to finish the school. So I did learn it and I was not bad. And as one mathematics teacher did praise me in front of everyone, that was like a wonder for me and I knew, I am not stupid. But to speak in front of others, I still had this fear. Some years later in the fashion design school, I was forced to do a speech or presentation. You can not be a designer without presenting your work through speaking. A day before my speech, I felt almost sick and I was nervous and I could not sleep. After my kind teacher told me: "We all are friends here. Do not be afraid. No one will cause any harm to you". For some people, who read this, it may sound silly. But for me that was like to going to my own execution. I just started�..nothing terrible happened�.everyone did listen. And after I finished, some classmates congratulated and told me that I did a good job. No one could see, that I was nervous and I received from my teacher the highest grade (and this continued for future speeches). Today I know, I am not stupid. But I need to say, that I still do not like to speak in front of other people but it is much better now (even speaking in English � my mother language is Croatian and my schooling was all done in Germany). For the woman in the kindergarten I do not feel anger now. I just wish, that the teachers are always careful with what they are doing and saying. They do have a lot of influence to the children. They have a great responsibility and they should be clear about it!!! |
