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| Things I Learned From My Father by � pinky_lefty_revolutionary The best way to get yourself in trouble with my mother is to make a series of funny faces. The most deadly weapon known to man is a plastic bottle of tomato ketchup. The best musical instrument is a long cardboard tube. The best place for making strange noises through the said plastic tube is across the whole valley from the from doorstep, in or around midnight. "Going out to play with my little car" means: "going out to rev up, speed away, break down five miles up the road and ring to be towed home, in my little car". If you let the dog sneeze on you, you'll get quabie-quabies. An Assenbuter is a breed of German Labrador dog. John Player untipped cigarettes made his hair fall out. Icecream made his hair fall out. 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner made his hair fall out. The Zippo lighter Neal gave him for Christmas is not only good for lighting cigars, but also small fires, and he's up on three accounts of arsen as a result.* He once had a daughter called Lulabelle, who wouldn't eat her dinner, so he killed her and burried her in the flowerbed.** "Hairy twine" is the most versatile material known to man. It's fun to jump out from behind the car to surprise the horses. It's even more fun to sing and dance around the place with a four stone Labrador across your shoulders.*** If your image-conscious teenage son brings home some friends, ask each one in turn "Who's little boy are you?" When your daughter brings her boyfriend home, threaten to dump him on the side of the main road with a cardboard sign tied around his neck reading "Take me to the bus please". Never throw stones at your brother-in-law, even if he isn't looking. If you get caught throwing stones at your brother-in-law, blame it on your youngest son. If a rented video tape gets eaten up by the machine, just cut out the mangled piece and sellotape the ends back together. Similiarly, if you happen to drop a television onto your future son-in-law's Playstation game, glue it back together and hope for the best. Never turn your mobile phone off. He likes to ring just to make sure you've got it switched on. It's all fun and games to dress up in fur coats and balaclavas, parading up and down the driveway and greatly upsetting the dogs - until someone sets the dogs on you.**** If a small yappy dog barks at your car, roll down the window and bark back. Laugh, a lot. Life isn't worth living unless you can laugh at it, constantly :-) Notes: * My father isn't up on any accounts of arsen! Apart from the tree he set fire to at twelve, but he never got caught for that. ** He never had a daughter called Lulabelle! In this day and age you have to be careful - say that too often and we'll wake up one morning to find the police excavating the flowerbeds. *** For the Americans amongst us - a four stoen Labrador would weigh 56lbs. **** I didn't set the dog on him, it was my brother. And luckily the dog recognised him at last second, so he wasn't savaged. |
