An Andrew Edelman Joint

So-called "Old School" Child Psychologist have long made up funny abbreviations such as "ADD" and "ADHD" which stand for some funny big words to explain away why so many of America's youth are certifiably stupid. Now those people are getting a proverbial kick in the trousers as a new theory has surfaced which successfully combines all the element of Stupid Kid Behavior into one simple explanation.

Researchers at the University of Baghdad School of Baking, while searching for a delicious cookie that would cure the common cold, stumbled across the root of all Childhood Evil: Cookies. The cookies themselves are innocent, so don't go off and firebomb your local Hostess outlet. This is how the theory works:

All children really want from anything, is ultimately cookies, just as all teenagers ultimately want is pre-marital un-Christian sex. Anything a child says or does is actually an elaborate ploy to acquire cookie. For instance, when a child says "Buy me that video game," what the little tike is thinking is that the video game will somehow bring about his or her acquisition of cookies. This explains why they get tired of the damn things so damn quick.

But how, you ask, can we apply this in our daily lives? The answer is more simple than you think. Basically, since all kids ever want is cookies, you don't have to listen to what they say. Ever. A kid might say, "I don't wanna clean my room." That's a ploy to get cookies. A kid might say "My Jigglypuff pokémon is better than your Squirtle pokémon." That is a ploy to get cookies. A kid might say, "The American system of government is plagued by traps and elaborate rouses to fool the proletariat into a false belief that they are safe in their social status." That is not only cookie-talk, but very dangerous as well and should be reported to the FBI.