An Andrew Edelman Joint

Baghdad--Earlier today, researchers at the University of Baghdad in Iraq found some shocking things in the Dead Sea Scroll. Sources say this marvelous discovery was brought about by someone who thought to look at the funny lines on the papers and read them. Sure enough, when read by someone who is fluent in American English, the mysterious contents of the Scrolls are made less mysterious.

Among the frighteningly shocking revelations in the Scroll discovered by the researchers was a very blunt reference to what the Scrolls call "the End, which is nigh." Since we all know what the End is when the "E" is capitalized (meaning the world blowing up due to a computer failure), the only ambiguous part of the message is the meaning of the word "nigh." As close as researchers can figure, it may be some variant of the sound made commonly by horses, or "Neigh."

Also in the scrolls was an entertaining story about a small boy who lost his pet dinosaur in a big city (assumed to be New York because it is the only big city where dinosaurs as pets is still legal), adding more merit to the increasingly popular theory that dinosaurs were domesticated by small children in ancient Middle Eastern civilizations and subsequently were lost in big cities.

Also, it said God is on Mars, and he has brown hair, not white, as commonly depicted by the Media, which is also based on Mars.