GETTING TO KNOW YOUR BOVINE OVERLORDS
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An Andrew Edelman Joint Since the story was broken by the National Liar almost two months ago, the Forces of Bovine Supremacy (name translated loosely from the metaphorical Bovine phrase Moo moo moo moo moo, which literally means "Those who aren't under a tree during a lightning storm") have set about their planetary domination conspiracy with unprecedented swiftness. Now that they have taken over North America, as a human citizen, one wonders, what are these cows going to do for me? How is their government set up? Those, quite frankly, are stupid questions. But, because I'm nice, I'll answer them. the Bovine Fascist Party rose to power using a battle tactic called moo moo or, "Stampede during a lightning storm," to quickly overrun human-held cities with their vast, stinky numbers. If a city is not over run by moo moo, the cows employ a more drastic tactic, one that has only been used once: MOO, or, "holy fum, lightning!," the use of their doomsday weapon (see article, next page, but first read this one). The tactic of Moo has only been employed once. This, in a cowshell, is the entire Bovine military strategy. Now for Party Politics. The Moo moo moo moo moo Party (Bovine Fascist) is generally chaotic, lacking any sort of focus up to, and sometimes including the head position of Chaircow. The position of Chaircow, who is in essence, dictator of North America, is currently held by Bessy (it should be noted that Bessy is a common name among cows; ninety two percent, to be exact). Bessy, has recently implemented an anti-beef propaganda program, directing humans to not eat the "Master Race," rather, "Eat Pork Instead," because "They aren't your Overlords." |
� A Bovine Victory parade. |