An Andrew Edelman Joint

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the police station the cops were looking for the sick psycho who shot Santa.

Yesterday, immediately following a charity function in which he posed as one of his own helpers, Jolly Ol' Saint Nicholas wandered into a desolate alley to choke back a slightly warm case of imported beer.

"That Lichtensteinian stuff must have been at least seventy-degrees when we found it," said a federal investigator. "The poor, sick fum."

It wasn't until the following day that he was found by an elf.

"My first thought was 'freedom!'" said the elf. "There are a lot of revolutionaries looking to fry that slavedriver's fat ass. I wouldn't be surprised if it was one of us."

Elves have long been the slaves of Santa's multinational toy empire. In 1993, an independent study by United Nations showed that almost 98 percent of the elf race is enslaved by Santa. But the question remains, would they resort to violence to free themselves?

"We're jolly people. We wouldn't shoot the guy who has enslaved us for 2000 years," said an elf union representative in a press conference.

Santa has made a lot of enemies over the years.

The Hanukkah fairy, an obscure figure who gives presents to children who celebrate that other holiday has had plenty of reasons over the years to want to do away with Santa.

"He pisses me off, with that red suit and all. I mean who is he trying to fool with that? Everyone knows he's a pedophile," said the Hanukkah fairy. "Anyway, he smells bad."