Various clergymen make stereotypical comments

Special Report— Following the Supreme Court ruling that any religion can do whatever the hell they like with impressionable high school students on impressionable high school property, the newly invincible Fellowship of Pagan Athletes has followed up their highly successful “Sperm-a-thon” benefit for Afghan Children with the nifty new “National Sacrifice a Goat at the Flagpole” day benefit for Odin, the holy father of the mystical ox Frigga.

“We’re just trying to give something back to the gods who have given us so much,” said club Witch-Doctor and Coven-master Aluicious “the Body” Higginsworth.

Local Monotheists Confused

Rabbi Moishe “the Jew Deal” Rosenburg, of the 3rd Official National Liar Synagogue told his congregation to avoid inhaling the fumes of the burning sacrificial goat.

“It’s not that we want to pull a ‘Sharon’ on the pagans, I am just worried about our epithelial linings,” said Rabbi Rosenburg.

Also worried is John Travolta of the Re-imagineered Church of Scientology.

“There could be a holy Theta imbalance that will cause the entire universe to explode.”

Pastor Aluicious Higginsworth of the Fourth Official National Liar Southern Baptist Tel-evangelist Church called for immediate and senseless violence against the FPA.

“The Lord has implied that the heathen pagans are probably gay!” said Higginsworth.

FPA Denies affiliation with Satan, Underworld

Lately, Pagan organizations have come under fire for their suspected liaisons with Lucifer.

“We’ve received reports of persons in pagan costume bowing down to, and possibly worshipping Satan,” said police chief Adolf “I’d-rather-stop-a drug-deal-than-a-murder” Hilter.

The FPA vehemently denies the allegations.

“We’re just a student organization dedicated to the many Gods of Olympus, the North Land and the Forest, just as the FBLA is a student organization dedicated to exploiting the proletariat and The Lion’s Roar is a student organization dedicated to making inferior newspapers,” said Coven-master Aluicious “the Body” Higginsworth.