BUSH DIARIES RECOVERED

Everything you wanted to know about the President but were afraid to ask. In what historians will doubtlessly call "taking candy from a baby," National Liar has managed to recover the innermost thoughts of our beloved president. Now we know his feelings about everything from Fitness Guru Richard Simmons to British Head Commie Tony Blair (whom he calls "Winky"). Now we see that the president is a slow, vulnerable man, confused about his sexuality and policy towards China. Here's an early excerpt: Richard Simmons, as National Liar readers will surely remember, was caught "making campaign contributions" with the President. Bush went on to say:   "I think that maybe I should break off the 'missile defense program' (ha ha ha) cuz I think that my relationings with richard are hurting Dicks feelins. I don't wanna hurt my Dick."   Shortly thereafter, Bush was seen romping about the White House grounds with a new friend, Paul Reuben. But Bush's life isn't limited to affairs with male fitness gurus and such. No, Bush is a much more complicated man. For instance, it takes every ounce of the man's strength, when mentioning the limeys in a speech, not to jump on top of the lectern and yell what is in our next excerpt: It seems that President Bush has a bit of a soft spot when it comes to British Prime Minister Tony Blair. That soft spot seems to be filled with animosity&emdash;although Bush would never use such a polysyllabic word. It all started when Aluicious Higginsworth was kidnapped by China and the tea-sipping Communists (Brits) wanted him back. Bush discusses the subject in his next entry: I think that the brits should let us have our cute kid back. I mean why do they have to be so mean? I asked dick an he said it was cuz they drink so much tea their heads explode and then dick had another heart attack. There is some discussion of what Bush did while the Vice- President was unconscious and then he turned his eyes on that traitorous bastard Tony Blair. Winky is so mean. He was all like, 'duh lets get back the right good gentelman." WhAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN!? what the heck is a right good gentelman? Is he saying I'm fruity or somthing! I'LL nuke his ass! Indeed there is a lot of anger there, also illustrated by this picture the President drew in the margin. President Bush is more than a nuke wielding, angry, half-educated Texan who got his office because his brother rigged the election. No, Bush has a softer side, a vulnerable side. Here we find that Bush's feelings are genuinely hurt when someone points out that all his plans require the world to blow up within a decade for them to work. He may be touchy, but he's still all Texan at heart. So we know now what really goes on in the President's head. He isn't a smart man, or a great man, or a competent man. He is a man just like 49.2 percent of the population. He is subject to the same desire to kill all the Democrats and Winky that afflict most people who have been elected to office due to the scheming of his brother and Republican lackeys. I just want everyone to love me. I think i can do it too cuz I am a uniter not a divider and people like uniters. Alls I gotsta do is lower taxes like Dick says and listen to my Dick cuz he is always right. I love that Dick. Screw Winky.

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