Friends don't let friends drive
cheddared an Andrew Edelman
joint WASHINGTON, DC--In a shocking turn
of events, the newly Democratic Senate has passed the Cheese
Bill of 2001. If the President signs it, and he
will, it will become illegal to possess cheese, the elements
of cheese, cheese-like substances such as Cheez-Whiz, and
cheese-using paraphernalia. "It gives us a new excuse to arrest
teenagers," said a giddy police officer. "The new law even
rescinds habeas corpus so we can keep those punks of the
street as long as we want now!" The International Cheese Coalition,
which has a regular ad in National Liar, is understandably
irate. "This is a terrible blow to
cheesedom," said ICC spokesman George Foreman. "But the
power of cheese is vast and it will prevail." To some, this sudden move against
cheese may seem somewhat of a sudden move. "They just want to stop teenagers
from having fun," said a teenager. "Teens like cheese so
they make it illegal." Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah)
explains the Senates reasoning. "Basically, kids today, they think
they can do whatever they want. If you're a war veteran, you
don't want to see your next-door neighbor take the flag
every day and be urinatin' on it, and defecating on
it." Senator Joe Leiberman (D-Conn.) who
cast the deciding vote, pointed to a non-scatological
reason. "Basically I think Tom
[Daschle] is a jerk so I voted for whatever he
didn't." People caught in possession of the
so-called "mild" cheeses, such as cheddar or swiss, may
receive up to 15 years in the gulag if they ever see a
judge. For the rarer cheeses, the so called "Hard Cheeses,"
such as non-grated parmesan and bleu, the sentence could be
as long as 300 to 700 years in the gulag, with parole after
250 years. Who cut the cheese?&emdash; A block of cheese like
this
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one could bring 10-15 years in the
gulag.